


Decennio

by lowkeyamen



Series: Costellazioni [2]
Category: Topp Dogg (Band)
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Bullying, Cheating, Eating Disorders, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s), So much angst, Underage Drinking, family au, teenage angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2018-11-02 23:04:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 43,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10954569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lowkeyamen/pseuds/lowkeyamen
Summary: Hojoon and Sangdo feel like they woke up one morning to find their tiny army of toddlers were gone and replaced with eleven teenagers. Sequel to Undici





	1. Sangwon's 13th Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well here it is!!!! the teenage years of undici!!!! 
> 
> decennio takes place 10 years after undici, so the kids are all in their teens!! aw, babies all grown up  
> the main story focuses around one day with a lot of flashbacks and stuff just like the very first chapter of undici did and will be split into chapters because it turned out so much longer than expected oops, though i'll probably do a few oneshots too cause i love these kids so much  
> this will not be as light and fluffy as undici, unfortunately oop, but i hope you're gonna like it just as much and i apologise in advance  
> please also note that there will be potentially triggering topics in this fic which will be listed in the tags but also with specific trigger warnings for each chapter
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER:  
> eating disorders  
> mental health issues  
> jiho being a lil bitch

Hojoon pouted as he lit the candles on a chocolate cake.

It was Sangwon's thirteenth birthday. None of his babies were babies anymore. 

They were all in high school, in fact, Taeyang was in his last year, already stressing over graduating and getting into a good university. Hojoon was more stressed over the idea of him leaving. 

Soon they'd _all_ be graduating. 

All leaving him. 

"Dad."

Then what was he going to do? 

"Hello?"

Maybe he'd just have to have more kids. 

"Daddy!"

"Hm?" He had been completely caught in a trance, white spots dancing in his vision as he looked away from the flames. "Oh, hi, honey." 

He smiled as Dongsung joined in him the kitchen, offering to carry the oversized cake into the living room. 

"What's wrong? You look like you're about to cry."

Hojoon hadn't even realised that his eyes were glassy, chuckling softly to himself. 

"It's nothing."

Dongsung smiled, nudging his father with his elbow, making the blonde pout. This happened ten times a year. 

"You don't want him to grow up, do you?"

Hojoon whined, pout intensifying. 

He couldn’t believe his baby was thirteen already. An _actual_ teenager with a girlfriend and tiny bits of facial hair. It made his heart ache. He still had those adorable chubby cheeks like when he was three, though. But he was sure it was wouldn't last long. 

"Why can’t you all just stay babies forever?"

Hojoon honestly felt like he had just woken up one morning and his tiny army of toddlers were gone and replaced with eleven teenagers. He had no idea where the time had gone. 

Dongsung shrugged. He thought it was really sweet how much their father wanted to hold onto them, it made him feel loved and wanted after years of being passed around the care system. He knew it was hard for his Dad; he was terrified of them all growing up and leaving him. Dongsung wasn't sure how he'd cope on his own with no one to look after. 

"We should take the cake in before it all kicks off."

Hojoon hummed. He had already had one tantrum today; he couldn't deal with any more.

Hojoon ran back into the living room, dimming the lights. He grinned as Sangwon's eyes lit up as Dongsung laid the cake down in front of him, thirteen candles highlighting his adorable little cheeks. All of Sangwon's friends were crowded around him as the teenager blew his candles out, laughing and clapping at the prospect of getting cake. All of his brothers were there too. 

Apart from one.

His eyes flickered across the room to the recliner in the far corner where Jiho was absorbed in his phone, legs slung across the arm, paying no attention to what was going on around him. 

_"Daddy~"_

_Hojoon recognised that voice. That tone. It was Jiho, and he wanted something._

_"Yeah, baby?"_

_"You know later?"_

_This sounded dubious. "Yeah?"_

_"Can I go to Hunter's party?"_

_Hojoon's eyebrows shot up under his dark blonde hair. Was Jiho taking the piss? It was his brothers thirteenth birthday and he wanted to go out instead?_

_"What?"_

_"Daddy, it's going to be the party of the year I need to be there!" Jiho pleaded, tugging at his father's sleeve like when he was a kid._

_Did he really think that would work? Hojoon honestly couldn't care less if his son wanted to keep his reputation by going to the most popular kid at school's party._

_"Jiho, you know fine well it's Sangwon's birthday. I'm not letting you skip your own brother’s party to go to another one. He would be devastated if you chose this Hunter kid over him."_

_"But Daddy." Jiho practically sobbed, turning the aegyo on, knowing it usually worked on his father. He really, really had to go to his friend’s party instead of being surrounded by a bunch of kids. He couldn't miss out on an opportunity like this. "All my friends are going to be there."_

_"Is your brother invited?"_

_"Which one?"_

_Hojoon shot him a 'don't start with me' look. Jiho knew exactly who he meant._

_Jiho sighed. This was going terribly. "No."_

_"Then definitely not."_

_"Dadd-"_

_"Jiho, there is no way I'm letting you go to a party that Byungjoo isn't even invited to when we're having one here for Sangwon's birthday. You're more than welcome to invite a couple of people over, but you are going to be here. Okay?"_

_Jiho groaned. This was so unfair._

_"It's not my fault he doesn't have any friends. Why are you punishing me for that?"_

_"Jiho!"_

_"It's like you don't want me to have friends because he has none!"_

_Hojoon inwardly rolled his eyes. Jiho rarely kicked off so he often forgot how much of a diva the youngest of his twins was._

_"Don't overreact, sweetie. And don't talk about your brother like that."_

_"Oh my god!" Jiho threw his arms down by his side like a petulant child. "This is such bullshit! Who cares if it's Sangwon's birthday? One of my brothers has a birthday, like, every fucking month, why can't I miss one?"_

_Hojoon's jaw dropped. "If you continue speaking to me like that you'll not be going to any party's for the rest of the year."_

That's when Jiho stormed out, slamming Hojoon’s bedroom door behind him. The fourteen-year-old hadn't spoken to him since, and by the looks of it he hadn't spoken to anyone since the party started. 

"Hey, baby, you want some cake?" Hojoon knelt down next to Jiho, he hated when any of his kids were in a bad mood with him. 

Jiho took the cake without so much as looking at his father. He was still annoyed. He really didn't understand why he had to be here. Sangwon had all of his friends around, what difference did it make if Jiho was there or not? 

"Jiho, you understand why I couldn't let you go, right?"

No response. 

Hojoon sighed, standing up. This clearly wasn't working. He wasn't going to waste all of his time on a moody Jiho when it was Sangwon's birthday. 

He made his way back into the dining room, hoping to clear up some of the mess from the buffet when he found most of the older kids already in there, sat around the table, snacking on some of the leftover food. He couldn't really blame them for wanting to escape. The house was run amok with twelve-year-olds due to Sangwon being one of the oldest in his class. 

"Dad, this pasta is so good; did you buy it or make it?" 

Hojoon raised an eyebrow as if to say _'is that even a question?'_ at Dongsung. 

"How are you coping with Sangwon becoming a teenager?" Taeyang smiled, knowing his father would be having some sort of existential crisis over it. 

Hojoon whined. Again. He wasn't sure people his age should be whining this much, but the situation called for it. "Not great. Look at you all, you're like mini adults. I hate it. Why couldn't you just stay adorable little babies forever?"

Hyosang gasped beside him. "Are you saying we're not adorable anymore?" The fifteen-year-old framed his face with his hands, eyelashes batting, making his father laugh softly. 

"Of course you are!" Hojoon pinched Hyosang's cheeks lovingly. It wasn't a lie; they were all still adorable in his eyes. Just now he could add handsome and tall to the list as well. "But you're all so grown up it makes me kinda sad. Soon you're all gonna be leaving me and then what am I gonna do?"

"Aw, Daddy!" Hansol shuffled his chair closer to his father so he could wrap his arms around the blonde. "You're so cute."

Hojoon giggled as Hansol pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. He loved that most of his kids were still so affectionate, that they didn't find it embarrassing to cuddle or kiss their father like most teenagers. 

"Even when we move out we'll still come back." Hyunho commented, stuffing another cookie in his mouth. "We'll miss your food."

Hojoon smiled. Of course Hyunho would mention food. His not-so-little rugby player spent most of his time at practice, the gym, or in the kitchen. 

He had had a rough couple of years with Hyunho. The bratty outbursts he had as a child seemed to fizzle out, until he became a teenager and they came back with a vengeance. 

He would get into fights with people at school, arguments with teachers, with his brothers. He had nearly gotten kicked out for good after a number of suspensions. Hojoon was almost at his wits end when the school councillor suggested he join the rugby team as a way of channelling his anger and energy. 

He couldn't believe that it worked. Hyunho seemed to thrive off of the competition, the exercise, the physical aspect of the game. Hyunho had always been competitive and had always loved sports, but he never seemed to gel with football or basketball like with his brothers. They bored him. 

But rugby was way more exciting. He had an excuse to run at people and take them down without getting into trouble. He was doing more than just kicking a ball about. He really loved it. 

Being on the rugby team in turn improved his grades and his behaviour at school, considering he wasn't allowed to play if he got suspended or failed any of his classes. It really seemed to calm him down, ironically, considering he would spend hours after school tackling people and often came home covered in blood. 

Hojoon was happy that Hyunho finally seemed happy; it had taken him a while to get there. 

"Where are the rest of your brothers?" Hojoon glanced around the table, noticing only five of them were there. 

"Upstairs, probably." Dongsung shrugged, wrestling with a piece of chocolate his fingers weren't quite nimble enough to unwrap. 

"Sehyuk, Yoonchul and Byungjoo are in their rooms, Jiho's still sulking and Sanggyun is with Sangwon and his friends." Taeyang corrected. Hojoon smiled, his eldest was like a third parent sometimes, he always knew what his brothers were up to. "I might go see Joo in a bit, he doesn't seem like he's having a good day."

Hyosang scoffed. "He needs to snap out of it, it's getting boring."

"He's depressed. He can't just _snap out of it_." Taeyang retorted, notoriously protective of his younger brothers as always. 

"Well _you_ were never this annoying."

Taeyang shot Hyosang a look as if to say _'shut the fuck up'_ before turning back to their father. "Have the doctors said anything else?"

Hojoon shook his head solemnly. Byungjoo had been going to a therapist for a couple of months now, but they still couldn't get to the root of his problems. He just didn't want to speak to anyone. Hojoon hated the idea of any of his kids suffering alone. 

Byungjoo was always a livewire. He was loud, hyperactive and loved being the centre of attention. But in the past six months or so he had seemed to cave in on himself, retreat back into his shell. He withdrew himself from his friends, his brothers, even Jiho. 

Byungjoo and Jiho were inseparable when they were younger. They did everything together. Up until they reached Year 9 and they were put in different classes. Each of the twins adapted to being separated in a different way. 

Jiho seemed to thrive now he was no longer in Byungjoo's shadow. His older brother had always been the one that made friends easier, Jiho usually just ended up tagging along onto Byungjoo's friendship groups. He had struggled with being on his own at first, but ultimately it was the thing he needed to help him come into his own. 

Byungjoo on the other hand, didn't seem to adapt as well. He seemed adrift without his brother. Hojoon honestly thought it would have been the other way around, that Jiho would be the one that felt lonely without Byungjoo helping him make friends. But Byungjoo just seemed to give up, like he didn't even want to make friends without Jiho there. 

But Hojoon knew there was something else going on. He didn't know what, but he could just tell something else was getting to Byungjoo. He knew that the fourteen-year-old wouldn't let something like this affect him so much if he didn't have something else on his mind. He just wished Byungjoo would talk to him, he couldn't help if he didn't. 

"I have no idea what's wrong with him. He won't talk to anyone. I hate seeing him like this but I don't know what else to do."

"Are you sure it's not just because he and Jiho were split up? Couldn't the school just put them back in the same class?" Hansol tilted his head. He hated seeing Byungjoo like this too, but more than anything he hated the idea of his Dad blaming himself like he had done when Taeyang was sick. 

"They won't move them back. They said it's good for them to be independent, which I understand, but Byungjoo clearly isn't coping. It's been over a year since they got separated and he seemed to adjust for a bit but then...he just got worse. There has to be something else going on." Hojoon propped his elbow up on the table, resting his head on his palm. He hated feeling so helpless when Byungjoo was suffering. He hated that this was happening again and that one of his kids felt like they couldn't speak to him. 

His eyes flickered back to Taeyang as the seventeen-year-old meticulously rearranged the food on his plate. Hojoon knew he wouldn't eat it, that he just needed it to look right. 

Being the eldest, Taeyang had always felt a sense of responsibility when it came to his brothers. He felt like he needed to protect them in some way, and hated when he couldn't. 

That led to him trying to control other parts of his life. If he couldn't ensure his brothers were always going to be safe and happy, he had to make sure something else was always perfect. 

He had always liked numbers; maths had been his best subject since he was a kid. Paired with the fact he had always felt somewhat chubby and unattractive compared to his brothers due to his height plateauing at 5'5" with no growth spurt on the horizon he began to count calories. Obsessively. 

He stopped eating his father’s cooking, not knowing what was being put into it, how much of each ingredient was being used, what the exact calorific content of the meal was. He would agonise over the nutritional value on the back of packets in the supermarket for hours, trying to weigh up which was the best option, which would be less likely to make him gain weight. He learnt that cigarettes were calorie free, and in fact, would help him burn calories without actually having to do any exercise by speeding up his metabolism. He liked the idea of that, exercise wasn't his thing, he didn't want to gain muscle, knowing that muscle weighed even more than fat. He just wanted the number on the scale to drop. 

He had used the excuse of being too busy studying to come down and eat with the rest of the family. Taeyang had always been dedicated to his school work, so his father had bought it. 

_"Hey, baby." Hojoon knocked on Taeyang's door like he did every evening, a plate of food in hand. "How's the essay going?"_

_"Hm? Oh, not too bad." That was a lie. He hadn't actually written a word since he had come home from school; his time had been occupied with picking at the skin on his inner thigh in an attempt to distract himself from the hunger pains._

_"I made your favourite." Hojoon beamed. Taeyang feigned a smile back, not wanting his father to worry or think he was being ungrateful. He didn't have the heart to tell him it wasn't his favourite anymore. Or that he didn't have a favourite at all._

_"Thanks, Daddy." He placed the plate Hojoon passed him on the furthest corner of his table, where he couldn't see it._

_Hojoon frowned as he watched Taeyang go back to his work. He couldn't actually remember the last time he saw Taeyang eat, but the plate would always come back down empty. His eyes scanned over the fifteen-year-old sat in front of him. He looked so tiny. He always knew Taeyang was going to be small; his younger brothers overtook him in height at a pretty young age. Hojoon would be lying if he said he wasn't a little thankful, he couldn't deal with all of his kids towering over him. At least he had Taeyang and Hansol._

_But Taeyang looked smaller than ever. His legs looked so thin, crossed underneath him on his computer chair. The oversized hoodie he had pulled up over his dark hair completely swamped him. His cheekbones and collarbones looked so prominent. His face almost looked gaunt; the circles under his eyes looked darker every day. He had always been pale, but his skin lacked that glow Hojoon was so used to seeing._

_"Tae, do you ever think you're working too hard, honey?" He was so proud of Taeyang for being so invested in his education, but he worried his eldest was pushing himself too far._

_"I want to do well."_

_Hojoon smiled. He knew Taeyang cared a lot about his future that he wanted to get good grades and go to university. But he would be proud of Taeyang no matter what. He didn't want the brunette making himself ill from stress._

_"Just try and take a break and have some food, baby." He stood up, pulling taeyang's hood down so he could press a soft kiss to chocolate hair. "You know I'm so proud of you, right?"_

_Hojoon's heart swelled as Taeyang nodded. He knew that. This actually had nothing to do with his grades, he was fairly sure he was going to do well and get into a good university. He just used that as a cover up. An excuse to miss dinner._

_Hojoon turned to leave so Taeyang could get on with his work and eat in peace when he realised what a mess the other side of the room was._

_"I wish your brother was as tidy as you." Hansol had so many clothes he didn't know what to do with them. The majority would just end up in a pile on the floor. Hojoon picked up a couple of t-shirts he knew hadn't even been worn because they were still folded from yesterday's batch of ironing. How difficult was it to put things in drawers? He figured he may as well put them away or they'd be in the floor for weeks, heading over to Taeyang and Hansol's shared chest of drawers._

_"Dad, wait-"_

_Hojoon faltered as he opened the drawer. Why was it full of food, had they been harbouring snacks up here? But it wasn't just sweets and biscuits, there were clear zip-locked bags filled with food...filled with meals. Meals Hojoon had made earlier that week. **What the fuck?**_

_That's when it dawned on him._

_His eyes flickered to the plate of food sat on the edge of Taeyang's desk. He had absolutely no intention of eating it._

_"Taeyang, are you starving yourself?"_

It had been over a year since Hojoon found out. Since his eldest broke down in his arms and told him how much he was struggling; with his weight, with being in control, with everything. 

Taeyang was almost back on track, he still wasn't fully comfortable around food, or eating in front of lots of people, but his recovery was going well, he was a lot healthier now. 

But it worried him that Byungjoo might be going through the same thing. The fourteen-year-old still ate with them, but he would seclude himself just as much as Taeyang did, spending most of his time upstairs, in his room alone. 

He just wished he could make it better. 

"Daddy!" He was pulled from his thoughts as Sangwon burst into the dining room, tears streaming down his face. "Sanggyun said Appa isn't coming!"

Hojoon's blood ran cold. _Fuck_. He seized up as Sangwon climbed into his lap, face wet and blotchy from crying. He didn't even know how to respond. He honestly had no idea whether Sangdo was going to turn up or not. He had texted him, but had never gotten a solid reply from his ex-husband. 

He and Sangdo had been separated for a few years now. It had completely ruined Hojoon to see his family be torn apart, but it just wasn't working anymore. Neither of them were happy and they couldn't bring the kids up in that environment any more, just for the sake of them having a complete family. 

Sangdo's job had led to him having to work away more often, for longer periods of time. Hojoon felt like he barely saw him. The kids felt like they barely saw him. 

_"Hey, babe." Sangdo threw his bag down in the corner of the room, coat following considering he couldn't be bothered to go hang it up. He had had a bitch of a time getting home. His flight had been delayed, resulting in him having to get a train home which added an extra three hours to his journey._

_"Hi." Hojoon barely even looked up from the TV to greet him._

_"I'm sorry I'm so late, my flight-"_

_"You could have at least rang." Hojoon didn't even let him finish his sentence. He was done with excuses. "The kids were really excited to see you, I had to force them to go to bed cause they have school tomorrow."_

_Sangdo sighed; he wanted to see them more than anything. Three weeks away from his family was hell, but he couldn't help coming home so late, he would have been here way earlier if he could have._

_"I was rushed off my feet trying to organise transport back, baby, I didn't really think."_

_Hojoon hummed, eyes fixed on the rolling countryside shots of some film. He didn't know what it was about, he wasn't paying any attention. But it was better than looking at his husband._

_"They all made you presents and welcome home cards." Hojoon smiled to himself, solemnly. He had spent most of the day clearing up after eleven excitable kids managed to trail glitter through most of the house. They couldn't wait for Sangdo to get home, all of them hated that he had to work away. "I made a huge family dinner and everything. I plated you some up; just throw it in the microwave."_

_Sangdo's heart wrenched. He knew his job was driving a wedge between him and his family, but he didn't really have a choice. How else would they be able to afford to live? Eleven kids didn't exactly come cheap._

_"Hojoon." Sangdo sat down next to his husband, tucking blonde strands of hair behind the elder’s ear. His stomach turned as Hojoon flinched at the touch. They hadn't made eye contact once. "Hojoon, I’m really sorry. I've missed you all so much, I wanted to be here, I-"_

_"Did you?" Hojoon cast his eyes down, ensuring he couldn't look at the younger. "You only Skyped us once while you were away. Sangwon has cried himself to sleep almost every night this week"_

_Their youngest was only eight; he didn't understand why his father spent so much time away. He felt like he was being abandoned. They all did. Hojoon was sick of making up excuses for Sangdo. Sick of lying. Sick of letting them down._

_'Appa can't come to your football match, baby, he has to work.'_

_'I know he said he'd be back in time for your recital but he'll be at the next one.'_

_'He'll be back soon, sweetie, I promise.'_

_He was sick of seeing them upset. Sick of picking up the pieces. Sick of being the one they took it out on. He was the one that had to break the bad news, had to be the bad guy. They couldn’t cry and scream at Sangdo because he was never there, and then when he came back they were so excited to see him everything was forgotten._

_"Hojoon, I-" Sangdo sighed again. He didn't even know what to say. There was nothing he could say. "I was really busy, I just... I'd get back to my hotel and pass out, I didn't have time-"_

_Hojoon scoffed. "You didn't have time for your family? You didn't have time to call and see how your kids were doing? Jiho won another title and Sanggyun got full marks in his spelling test. He was really proud of himself." Hojoon hugged a pillow to his chest, thinking about how excited Sanggyun had been to show him the gold 100% sticker on his work. Spelling had never been his strong point. It almost brought a tear to his eye but he told himself he wasn't going to cry. Not tonight. He was sick of crying._

_They sat in silence. Neither of them knowing what to say. Hojoon's eyes unfocused as he tuned the noise of the movie that was playing away to itself out. He didn't know what to do anymore. He didn't think he **could** do this anymore. He didn't feel like he even had a husband, like his children didn't have a second father. He didn't know why he was still trying. _

_"Sangdo, what are we doing?"_

_Sangdo’s eyebrows furrowed. "What do you mean?"_

_"I mean..." Hojoon's breath shuddered. Don't. Fucking. Cry. "Us. This. What are we doing? Why are we still doing this?"_

_Sangdo shifted to look at the blonde. He had no idea where Hojoon was going with this, what he was talking about._

_"Jesus Christ, Sangdo. Why are we even still together?"_

_Sangdo flinched at the raised tone of Hojoon's voice. Was he...was Hojoon saying what he thought he was?_

_"We- What? Hojoon, we love each other."_

_"This isn't how people in love act. I can't even remember the last time you kissed me, never mind anything else."_

_Sangdo’s mouth fell agape. It was true that he and Hojoon weren't as intimate as they used to be, but they were both really busy with work and the kids. Hojoon couldn't possibly expect them to still be fucking like they were in their twenties._

_"That's because we have a family, Hojoon, it's no-"_

_Hojoon turned to face his husband for the first time since he had got back, eyes glassy with frustration. " **I** have a family, Sangdo. I've pretty much single handily raised these kids. You're never here. You don't have to deal with the parent’s evenings and the stomach bugs and the fall outs with friends. You just get to come home every once in a while and do the fun stuff. They get all excited when you're back and then I'm the one that has to deal with the crying and the tantrums when you leave." _

_Hojoon had given up on trying to hold back the tears. How could he? Everything was falling apart and he just didn't know what to do. He was shaking. All this anger had been building up in him for months, maybe even years. He had tried to suppress it, for the sake of their kids, for their family. But he was done. He couldn't keep pretending everything was okay when it wasn't. He couldn't keep pretending he was happy._

_"Are you serious?" Sangdo’s tone matched Hojoon's. He didn't sound at all sympathetic. Just angry. It made Hojoon's breath hitch. Sangdo didn't do angry. "Hojoon, I work my fucking ass off for this family. Everything I do is for you and the kids. So you can live in this huge house and they can do whatever they want. Do you think I like being away from you all? I fucking hate it, but I don't have a choice."_

_"Yes you do! You didn't have to take that promotion, Sangdo; we were doing fine without it."_

_"Hojoon, we have **eleven** kids. We have driving lessons and big birthdays and university to think about." He raked his hands through his dark hair. Did Hojoon seriously think money grew on trees? He had to work to afford to feed their kids, keep the house running. He had to work **a lot**. "How else would I afford all the presents I bring you all back?"_

_Hojoon laughed bitterly. "Presents? You think that's what we want? They want their **father** , Sangdo. They want you. They don't want gifts, that doesn't make up for you not being here, for everything you've missed." _

_Hojoon had kept this bottled up for far too long. Sangdo had missed so much over the years, not just recently, he had always worked away. It wasn't so bad, at first, a couple of days every few months. Hojoon could cope with that, he knew they both had to make sacrifices for the sake of their family. But long weekends turned into fortnights, the occasional trip turned into a monthly occurrence. He had missed Sangwon's first words, teaching half the kids how to ride a bike, school plays, Taeyang's first day of high school._

_Sangdo said he hated having to work away, but Hojoon wasn't so sure he believed that anymore. Sangdo was at a point in his career where he could easily branch off and open his own firm, delegate some of the work to other lawyers. He could become a judge, that had always been his dream when they were younger. But he seemed to go out of his way to work in other cities, other countries. Anything to avoid being at home with his husband and kids._

_Hojoon stood to leave the living room, he was too tired for this, it was almost 2am and he had to be up in a few hours to get the kids ready for school._

_Sangdo caught his wrist, pulling the elder down on top of him and into a ravenous open-mouthed kiss. Hojoon practically melted as Sangdo wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him in closer. He moaned into the brunette’s mouth, fingers making their way into his hair._

_God he missed this._

_He missed Sangdo. He missed what they had. He missed the kisses and the hushed giggles and gasps as they tried not to wake the kids up. He missed waking up in the arms of the man he loved._

_Loved._

_He wasn't sure if that was past tense or not. He still loved Sangdo, he really did, but it was too hard now. It wasn't the same. Everything had changed. He couldn't be with him like this. He couldn't keep on living like this. The not knowing was killing him. Not knowing if Sangdo was going to be there next weekend. Not knowing what lie he should pull out of his inventory when one of the kids asked how long it'll be til their Appa gets back. Not knowing exactly what Sangdo was doing on these trips away. Not knowing if there was someone else._

_That was something he had suspected for a while. They rarely had sex anymore. He honestly couldn't remember the last time. Granted, they were getting older and they both led busy lives, but it was something they had always made time for._

_But over the past year or so Sangdo had been rejecting him a lot more. Hojoon put it down to stress at first, but then it kept happening. Before he knew it, it had been months since Sangdo had even touched him._

_Then there were the text messages. Sangdo’s phone was constantly barraged with them. Every time they settled down to watch a family movie, the brunette would be absorbed in his phone, not even close enough to Hojoon for the elder to cuddle into him._

_He knew he shouldn't have done it, shouldn't have invaded his husband's privacy, but he had checked Sangdo’s phone once or twice. It was clean. Completely. Apart from a few work messages and ones from Hojoon, there was nothing. Which didn't add up considering his phone was constantly buzzing._

_Hojoon had never brought it up; he didn't want to make an issue of it. Because, surely, it was a misunderstanding. Right? Sangdo would never cheat on him. The man he had been with since he was a teenager. The man he had married **twice** and started a family with. _

_Hojoon whimpered as Sangdo bucked his hips up to meet his husbands, their tongues still dancing against one another’s._

_But something felt off._

_He smelled different. Not new different, it was a smell Hojoon recognised, something floral, he just wasn't sure where from. But he didn't smell like Sangdo._

_Hojoon pulled back, panting. He jumped out of Sangdo’s lap as if he had been scalded by the brunettes touch. He couldn't do this._

_"Joon..."_

_"Do you really think sex is going to make things better?" Hojoon hissed, the tears beginning to resurface. "This isn't working, Sangdo. **We** aren't working. I'm not happy. I can't do this anymore." _

_Sangdo stood, facing the elder, devastation written all over his face. "What are you saying?"_

_"I want a divorce."_

Hojoon's eyes flickered up to meet Taeyang and Dongsung's who were sat directly opposite him. Just the month before Sangdo had let the two of them down by not turning up for their birthdays, which were only a day apart. There was no way he could guarantee he would make it to Sangwon's. 

"Baby." He rocked Sangwon back and forth in his arms, trying to calm his youngest. The last thing he wanted was Sangwon in floods of tears on his birthday. "You know your Appa is very busy, he'd want to be here more than anything."

Sangwon sniffled, sitting up straight to look at his father, tears clinging to his long eyelashes. "So he's not coming?"

Hojoon sighed. He was still covering for Sangdo after all these years and he was sick of it. "I honestly don't know, sweetie."

Hyosang scoffed next to them. "He's not coming, Sangwon. Don't get your hopes up, kid." 

Hojoon hissed the fifteen-year-old's name as Sangwon welled up again, pulling the crying boy back into his chest. 

"What? It's true. He doesn't give a shit about us anymore. He has his new family." Hyosang sat back in his seat, arms folded across his chest. Out of all of them he was the one that harboured the most resentment towards their father. 

"That's not true, Hyosang." Hansol spoke up, not wanting Sangwon to get any more upset. "Of course he cares about us, Sangwonnie." Hansol stroked his fingers through his younger brother’s hair, trying to reassure him. He couldn't promise him that their Appa was going to show up, but he knew that he cared about them all, even if he wasn't around so much anymore. 


	2. Fuck It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i only updated oasis yesterday but tbh i wasn't happy with it - or the fic at all i might just abandon it tbh :(( - so i wanted to post something else and i feel really shitty today so idk here u go
> 
> DISCLAIMER any names i use for characters that are not in toppdogg are purely random. i think its safe to assume that although undici is not set in any specific country, it is set in the west so i'm just using random western named for any side characters - not that they'll be mentioned all that often, but some of them do play important roles, so i couldn't just leave them unnamed (you'll understand in later chapters what I mean)
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER:  
> mental illness  
> underage drinking  
> drug mention  
> bullying  
> homophobic slurs  
> jiho still being a lil bitch 
> 
> :)

Byungjoo was lying on his bed, on top of the covers, facing the walls. He couldn't sleep. Maybe because it was only 5pm and still light outside, maybe because of the ruckus Sangwon and his friends were making downstairs. Or maybe it was because his mind wouldn't stop racing. 

It was like his brain wanted him to be sad, to feel like shit, as it repeated over and over everything he hated about himself. His height, his face, his voice, his jawline, his legs, his chest, his waist, his-

"Fuck this."

He rolled over as the door to his and Jiho's room slammed shut, the younger rifling through his wardrobe, muttering under his breath. 

"Joo, can I borrow that bomber jacket you have?"

Byungjoo blinked. Why would Jiho need his jacket? "Are you going out?"

"Yep. To Hunter's party."

"Did Dad change his mind?"

"No." Jiho turned to face his twin, a bottle of vodka he had stolen from Sehyuk's room in his hand. "But I'm going anyway." 

Jiho made his way over to Byungjoo's wardrobe, trying to find the jacket he wanted. Byungjoo's eyes were fixed on the glass bottle. 

"I'm coming with you."

"What?" Jiho furrowed his eyebrows. Byungjoo wasn't even invited. 

"Jyo, I'm not letting you sneak you to a party and getting drunk on your own. What if something happens?" He knew Jiho hadn't drank much in the past, save for a couple of cans of cheap cider. Taking an almost-full bottle of vodka to a party at god knows where seemed like a terrible idea. 

Jiho chewed on the inside of his cheek. Did he really want his brother tagging along to the most popular kid in their school's party? Not really. But Byungjoo could tell their Dad. And he missed having the smaller boy around. 

"Okay fine. It'll be kinda fun getting in trouble together, like we used to." Jiho smiled that perfect straight-toothed smile of his, courtesy of a set of braces he had hated at the time. "Wear something decent, though." 

Jiho picked out something for Byungjoo so his brother would look good enough for the party, smiling to himself as he styled the elders hair. Byungjoo nodded when Jiho asked if he liked it. He didn't. 

The two of them snuck downstairs, slowly, making sure no one was around. Sangwon and his friends were still in the living room, being loud and annoying. They couldn't see their father or any of their older brothers anywhere. Perfect. 

They opened the front door as quietly as they could, escaping out into the brisk September air. 

"Where the fuck are you two going?"

The twins froze. Sehyuk was stood in the front garden, leaning up against the front of the house, cigarette in hand. _Shit_. 

"To a party." Byungjoo hissed as Jiho elbowed him in the ribs. Why the fuck would he tell Sehyuk that?

"Does Hojoon know?"

The twins shook their head making Sehyuk smirk. "Come on, I'll give you a lift."

Sehyuk had stopped calling his parents _Dad and Appa_ a good few months ago. Just before he was suspended for smoking weed behind the science labs. His suspension had been lifted, but Sehyuk hadn't bothered going back. 

He hated school. Really hated it. He had only been going to keep his parents happy. He knew they wanted what was best for him and wanted him to get an education, but he didn't see the point. 

He wasn't good at anything. English, maths, geography; all of that seemed pointless to him. When would he ever need to use quadratic functions or need to recite the full names and nationalities of Henry VIII's six wives in real life? He wouldn't. Ever. 

He had just about scraped by in his GCSEs, getting mainly C's and D's. He knew he was a disappointment compared to Taeyang, considering there were only a couple of months between them; surely he should be on the same level as his older brother. But he knew fine well he would never match up to that. So he didn't even bother trying. 

Sehyuk had always resented Taeyang a little. He had been part of this family longer; he was Hojoon and Sangdo's first child, the first one they adopted. The golden child, with his perfect exam results and musical prowess. Sehyuk had always felt like he had been cast aside when it came to Taeyang. 

Things got worse when Taeyang got sick. He knew he should feel bad for his brother, want him to get better. But he didn't. Sehyuk saw it as yet another away for Taeyang to get all the attention. Like he always did. 

That's when he began acting out. If Taeyang starving himself got Hojoon and Sangdo's undivided attention, then Sehyuk would just have to one up him. He would get into fights at school, hang around with people much older than him, ones who drank, did drugs. Ones who got him into drinking and doing drugs. 

It didn't seem to have the same effect. Sehyuk coming home at the tender age of fifteen off his face didn't make his parents want to look after him and nurture him. It just made them mad. Which in turn made Sehyuk mad. And then drink more. 

He had always found growing up in such a large family difficult, like he was constantly fighting for his parent’s affection. He knew Hojoon and Sangdo had their favourites. And he knew he wasn't one of them. 

He couldn't understand why they felt the need to adopt so many kids. They couldn't possibly equally divide their love between eleven kids. They couldn't possibly give them all the attention they needed.

Once he realised that he stopped caring. He was just biding his time until he could move out. 

"I can't believe you two are actually sneaking out. Didn't think you'd have the balls." Sehyuk smirked, looking at the twins in the back seat through his rear view mirror. Jiho was absorbed in his phone, as always, while Byungjoo was staring out of the window, barely paying attention. He was surprised Byungjoo even wanted to go a party, it wasn't really his thing. 

"Yeah, well, I didn't exactly want to be at a kid’s party when I could be with my friends."

Sehyuk laughed under his breath. Jiho was only a year older than Sangwon but he acted like he was so much more mature. Most of his friends at school were older than him, and honestly, it worried Sehyuk. He may not get on with his parents too well, but he cared about his brothers a lot and he didn't want Jiho to follow in his footsteps. 

"Don't come home wasted."

"That's rich coming from you." Jiho scoffed, not even bothering to look up from his phone. 

"I could turn this car around and take you home, you know."

"You sound like Dad." That was the first time Byungjoo had spoken since they began driving. 

Sehyuk smiled softly. Honestly, he and Hojoon were very similar. Maybe that's why they clashed. 

"He still likes you two. Try not to fuck that up."

Jiho mumbled a 'whatever' as they pulled up at the party, it was barely 6pm but the place was already bouncing. Jiho smiled to himself. This was so much better. 

Sehyuk chewed on his bottom lip as he recognised some of the people hanging around the house. People in his year at school. People who were even older than him. Why were a couple of fourteen-year-olds being invited to a party like this?

When he was Jiho and Byungjoo's age he didn't think there was anything wrong with that. It made him feel special that he was being invited to hang out with the older kids, but he knew from past experience that didn't always end well. He didn't want that for his brothers. 

"Be careful."

"Yes, Dad." Jiho rolled eyes as he opened the car door. 

"Jiho, I'm serious. Don't do anything stupid and don't let anyone talk you into anything."

Jiho slammed the door as he got out of the car, not bothering to acknowledge his brother's words of advice. Sehyuk sighed. 

"I'll look after him, it's the only reason I came." Byungjoo spoke as he got out of the car to follow his twin, assuring the elder that Jiho would be fine. 

Sehyuk sat back in the driver’s seat as he watched his two younger brothers make their way into the party. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. 

 

⊶◬⊷

 

Yoonchul didn't like loud noises. He didn't like being around lots of people and he definitely didn't like parties. He had been down to see Sangwon earlier when his brother was blowing out his candles, before retreating straight back upstairs. It just wasn't his scene. 

Yoonchul liked his brothers. Even the loud ones. But they were a lot to handle, which is why he was glad he got his own room. Sure, it was smaller than the rest, but at least he could have some time to himself, some peace and quiet. 

He liked that his family respected his boundaries, even though somehow Hansol would manage to cuddle into him while they watched TV or Sanggyun would hang off his arm when they walked, they never invaded his room, they knew when he was in there he just wanted to be left alone. 

Yoonchul did well in school, but he didn't like it. He didn't like the people. The cliques, the socialising, the after school clubs, the expectations of being a fifteen-year-old boy. 

Being in the same year as Hyosang and Hansol didn't help with that. They were both pretty popular, had a constant group of friends buzzing around them, he was pretty sure Hyosang hadn’t been single for more than two weeks since he was six. People just seemed to like them, and didn't like Yoonchul. 

Part of him didn't mind. Part of him didn't want friends or a girlfriend. That seemed like a lot of effort, a lot of frustration. He had seen his brothers fall out with people, get dumped. He didn't know why they bothered. Other people just complicated things. 

But then another part of him figured it might be nice. Having friends. Having someone to talk to that weren't his immediate family. Having a girlfriend didn't interest him at all, or a boyfriend, for that matter. He didn't see the point. He already had more than enough people that loved him, more than he could handle sometimes. 

But he wondered what it would be like to have a friend, a real friend to hang out with, one that had similar interests than him. But he had never found anyone good enough. No one could hold his attention for long enough. 

"Yoonchul!"

He looked up from his book, making his way to the door and undoing the four locks in the correct order. 1. 3. 4. 2. He didn't have them to keep anyone out, as such, he trusted his family not to invade his privacy, they just made him feel safe. 

"Yeah?"

Hojoon was leaning up against the door frame, a place with a generous slice of cake in his hands. 

"I got you the top left corner piece." 

"Thanks, Dad." He shut his door behind him, stepping out into the hallway. He didn't eat in his room, too much mess. 

"How are the babies coming along?" 

Yoonchul smiled to himself. Hojoon was talking about the eggs he was incubating, the eggs one of his snakes had laid before dying soon after. He was absolutely heartbroken, but the fact that her babies would be here any day reminded him to stay positive. That he'd always have something to remember her by and that he'd had to focus his attention more on them. He wondered if that's how his Dad felt. 

Yoonchul wasn't great at all of the emotional stuff. He didn't really know how to deal with his own emotions, never mind anyone else's. It was difficult for him when his parents split up, but not in the same way it was for his brothers. 

The entire situation made him uncomfortable. All the crying and shouting. Seeing his parents and brothers upset. He just didn't know how to cope, so he would lock himself up in his room and absorb himself in looking after his pets. 

In a way that's what Hojoon did too. He knew his father always tried his best to put on a brave face for the rest of them. That he put his all into raising them, with or without Sangdo. That he always put their happiness before his own. Until the eggs were laid it was something he never understood; how anyone could be so selfless. Part of him knew it was ridiculous comparing a couple of unhatched snake eggs to someone adopting eleven children, but he felt a little closer to his father now. 

"I'm hoping they'll hatch in a couple of days. I've set up a little camera to record it; I'll let you watch if you want." 

Hojoon recoiled in horror, trying his best to recover in front of his son. He didn't want Yoonchul to think he thought snakes were disgusting...but he thought they were disgusting. He hated the way they moved. It freaked him out. But he knew how much Yoonchul loved them and he and Sangdo finally caved on his tenth birthday and got him one. 

"Yeah, maybe, sweetie." 

"They're, like, your grandkids."

Hojoon's jaw dropped. "Do _not_ say that word around me, Yu Yoonchul." He was nowhere near old enough to be a grandparent. That was the last thing he wanted to think about. Grandkids. _Jesus_. 

"What's going on downstairs? Any fall outs over pass the parcel yet?"

Hojoon smirked, Sangwon wasn't just his baby, but all of his brothers baby too. 

"No, thank god. Jiho's still in a mood but I'm just going to leave him to it instead of giving him the attention. You know what he's like."

Yoonchul hummed, swallowing a chunk of cake. To say Jiho was a drama queen would be an understatement. 

"Sangwon's upset because your Appa still hasn't showed up yet."

"No surprise there, then."

Hojoon didn't respond. He tried his best not to influence his kids when it came to his ex-husband. He didn't want to turn them against Sangdo. He didn't really need to; the younger was doing a pretty good job of that himself. 

"Do you think he'll turn up?"

"I honestly have no idea." He wanted to say yes, he really did. He hated the idea of Sangwon missing out on seeing Sangdo on his birthday, but after what happened last month he wasn't so sure. "I hope so; Sangwon will be devastated if he doesn't."

The two of them stood in silence for a couple of minutes, Yoonchul finishing his cake. 

"You're a really good Dad, you know that?"

Hojoon looked up at his son, eyes wide. Yoonchul was only fifteen but he already towered over his father, Hojoon barely reaching his shoulder. He really, _really_ hoped he wouldn't grow anymore. 

"Thanks, sweetie." He whispered, not really sure how to respond. None of his kids had ever said anything like that before. Sure, they had said they love him and gotten him generic _best dad ever_ gifts, but no one other than Sangdo had ever told him that. 

"That means a lot."

 

⊶◬⊷

 

"Okay, try to act like you belong here because I'm not looking after you all night." Jiho instructed, pouring he and Byungjoo a drink once they made it to the kitchen of the party. He had no idea how to measure vodka, pouring each of them almost a treble and gagging as he went to take a drink. _How the fuck does Sehyuk drink this?_

Byungjoo snorted. He was one looking after Jiho. He didn't like the friendship group his brother was being _allowed_ into, and it wasn't because he was jealous that he barely had any friends himself, it was because he didn't trust them. He didn't want his brother falling in with the wrong crowd and getting into trouble. He found it weird that people Taeyang's age would want to hang out with a kid like Jiho. 

"Whatever, just don't get too drunk because I'm not carrying you home."

"Like you could." Jiho snorted. He was a good few inches taller than Byungjoo, the top of the elder twin's head barely reaching his lips. It was weird that his height had been such a problem when he was a child. He hated being taller than everyone in his class, than his older brothers, than Byungjoo. But now he loved it. He could easily use Taeyang and Hansol as an arm rest, much to their disdain, and he loved how tiny his Dad felt in his arms when he hugged him. Anyway, it didn't come in too bad when it came to girls either, which was always a plus. 

"Jiho!" The two of them turned before Byungjoo could even respond, some older kid Byungjoo barely recognised was making his way over. He could only assume this was Hunter. Wasn't this guy friends with Hyunho at some point? He was sure he had seen his elder brother hanging around with this group of people. "You made it! And you brought...someone."

Byungjoo inwardly rolled his eyes. It was a well-known fact that he and Jiho were twins. 

"This is Byungjoo, my brother." Jiho smiled, throwing his arm around the elder’s shoulders. "We were just hanging out and thought we'd pop in."

Byungjoo's blinked at the blatant lie. _You mean you threw a tantrum because Daddy wouldn't let you come so we sneaked out._ He chose to smile instead; he couldn't deal with Jiho dramatically declaring he was never speaking to him again for embarrassing him at some party. 

"Well, come on," Hunter linked his arm with Jiho's, pulling him away from his brother, "the real fun's in here."

Byungjoo sighed, trailing behind. This was going to be a hell of a night. 

 

⊶◬⊷

 

Dongsung chuckled to himself as he watched Sangwon and his friends from the doorway, glad that the younger wasn't letting the fact their Appa may or may not turn up get to him. He would never have forgiven Sangdo if he had ruined Sangwon’s birthday like he had his and Taeyang's. 

"Kids, huh?"

Dongsung rolled his eyes as Hyunho came and stood next to him on the other side of the doorway, arms folded across his chest with a soft smile on his face as he too watched Sangwon messing around with his friends. 

Dongsung merely grunted in response. 

Despite sharing a room, he and Hyunho didn't get on all that well. They had when they were younger, having similar personalities and all. Sure, they would fight constantly, they were both big, boisterous and loved being the centre of attention, but it was usually in jest. Just roughhousing. 

That all seemed to change when Dongsung came out. He never really thought anything of it, to be honest. He knew he liked boys from a pretty young age, and having two fathers he never went through the whole struggling with his sexuality thing, coming out at the tender age of ten. He knew his family would accept him. Or at least, he thought they would. 

Hyunho didn't seem to take to it as well as the rest of his brothers did and Dongsung honestly had no idea why. They had been raised with the notion that love is love, and it didn't matter if it was between two people of the same or different genders. And weirdly enough, Hyunho didn't seem to care at all when it came to their parents, but with Dongsung it was different. 

The two of them were in the same class at school, always tried their hardest to sit together or be paired up for projects. They were close, really close, until they started high school and Hyunho began to make new friends. New friends that weren't at all accepting of Dongsung.

_"Hey! Queer!"_

_Dongsung just kept walking, ignoring the insults he knew fine well were directed at him. What other kid in their year was openly gay?_

_"Faggot! I'm talking to you, turn around!"_

_He picked up his pace, just wanting to get home. He had never expected it to be this bad; the bullying. He couldn't understand why people had such a problem with whether he liked boys or girls. What did it matter?_

_"Gayboy!" He winced as something came into contact with the back of his head. Something metallic, probably an empty soda can, he didn't even bother looking back, not wanting to give them the satisfaction of a response._

_"Hey!" This time he felt something else collide into his head, something with more force, maybe a hand considering how close the voice was now. "It's rude to ignore someone. Or am I not your type?"_

_The boy that had been shouting after Dongsung stepped in front of him with a smirk on his face. Austin. Great. This kid plagued his life. "Is that it Dongsung? What's your type, then? Because I think I'm quite the catch." Austin sneered, grabbing Dongsung's jaw to force the other to look at him._

_"Get off me." Dongsung batted Austin's hand away, stepping back and coming into contact with someone else. What the-_

_He spun around to find someone much bigger directly behind him, arms folded across his chest. Hunter._

_Fuck._

_He looked around to realise there were even more boys closing in on him, creating a circle so he couldn't escape. He felt his heart rate rise, breath becoming shallow._

_"Aw, Dongsunggie, that wasn't very nice." Austin stepped forward, closing in on him with a faux pout on his lips as the guy behind him grabbed his arms, pinning them behind his own back so he no longer had use of them._

_He began to panic, thrashing against the taller boy in a feeble attempt to get away, looking around at the rest of the group, silently begging them to help._

_That's when he saw him, half hidden behind one of the other boys as if he didn't want to be seen._

_Hyunho?_

_Why was his brother here and why wasn't he helping? Wait. Weren't these the guys Hyunho had been hanging out with? They looked familiar. Was he- Was Hyunho part of this?_

_Austin grabbed his face again, forcing Dongsung to look directly at him, lips puckered._

_"I'm a little offended you haven't even tried to hit on me. Not that I would ever go out with you, because I'm not a disgusting little faggot, but it's nice to be wanted, right?"_

_The boy tilted his head, leaning into Dongsung as the other tried to squirm away. It was no use; the two of them had him in too strong of a hold. His eyes shot open as the boy kissed him, forcing himself on Dongsung, tongue delving in his mouth. He screwed his eyes shut, not really sure what was going on but desperately wanting it to stop. He was sure he could hear laughing, mock cheers for the other boy to do more._

_He gasped, trying to catch his breath as the other pulled away, a cocky smirk on his lips that he could just about make out through the tears. That was his first kiss. Completely against his will as a group of bullies jeered at him. He felt like he was going to throw up._

_He didn't have much time to recover as the boys smile turned sinister._

_"People like you make me sick."_

_He wheezed as a fist made contact with his stomach, legs crumpling as he was winded by the force, the guy behind him keeping him from falling to the ground completely._

_The rest was a blur; he barely even registered the blows that were administered to his face and torso. But he vaguely remembered seeing Hyunho. Just standing there. He was pretty sure his brother didn't actually hurt him, but he didn't even attempt to stop the other boys either._

It had been three years. Three years since he was that weak thirteen-year-old left a bleeding, sobbing mess on the way back from school. Since his brother had left him like that. Alone. 

He went out of his way to try and defend himself; hitting the gym, working out until he collapsed, getting into fights if necessary. Their parents had always described him as a gentle giant, and yeah, he was bigger than most of his brothers, he loved to play fight when he was younger, but he would never take it far enough that anyone would get hurt, and he was always the first one there to comfort them when his brothers were upset. 

But that all changed with the bullying. No one messed with him anymore, knowing he would probably destroy them. Hyunho may be the rugby player of the family, but Dongsung was taller and way more built, he was pretty sure he could take the elder if needs be. He had in the past. 

Hyunho sighed as Dongsung walked off without so much as saying a word to him. He didn't know how many times he had to apologise, it was ages ago. He was just a scared kid that wanted to make friends, wanted to look good in front of the cool kids. He never expected it to go that far, and by the time it had he had no way of stopping it. He wasn't as strong back then either. 

He leaned back against the doorframe. He knew fine well what he had done was wrong, that he should have tried to stop them, that his brothers were more important than popularity. His eyes settled back on Sangwon, he would kill anyone if they even so much as laid a finger on his baby brother. But Dongsung was his younger brother too, only by three months, but still. He should have protected him. 

 


	3. Better Late than Never

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello here is it chapter three woooo  
> i don't have a lot to say except this is a pretty heavy chapter sorry guys :( you know i love these kids (and their parents) but i just cannot help but make them suffer 
> 
> trigger warnings for this chapter:  
> underage drinking  
> referenced sexual abuse  
> cheating  
>  ~~heterosexuality~~  
>  jiho STILL being a lil bitch  
> stereotypical high school party shit**
> 
> **pls note I went to a same sex private school and thus did not have a typical high school experience with any relationship drama or popular kids or cliques or whatever lol so,,,,honestly all I know about like high school and stuff is from dumb movies so sorry if this is really generic shbejskwbdk sorry

Byungjoo felt incredibly uncomfortable, he had never been to a party like this before, and he knew fine well Jiho hadn't either, not that anyone would be able to tell from the front he put on. It was in no way surprising that Jiho’s favourite subject at school was performing arts. 

"Who wants shots!?" 

Byungjoo inwardly groaned as someone tried to carry in a tray of clear liquid in tiny glasses, spilling at least three of them. Jiho cheered with the rest of the idiots as the drinks were handed around, as Byungjoo sat back in his seat hoping they would forget he was even there. 

"Here." He had no such luck as Jiho shoved one of the shots in his face. 

"I'm good, thanks."

"God, your brothers such a pussy, Jay." 

 _Jay?_ Byungjoo raised an eyebrow. Since when had Jiho ever allowed anyone to call him that? It wasn't even the first syllable of his name. He wasn't sure he liked this person his brother was becoming. It wasn't Jiho. 

"I know, right?"

"Fucks sake." He muttered under his breath, taking the glass from Jiho and downing it. He repressed the urge to gag as the liquid burned his throat. Jesus Christ, did people actually enjoy drinking this stuff? 

Everyone in the room cheered again. It didn't seem to take much to impress these people. 

He went back to his phone, checking in with Sehyuk to make sure their Dad hadn't realised they were gone. He felt kind of bad for ditching Sangwon’s party, and possibly making their father worry. But he would much rather be here looking after Jiho than letting his twin go off on his own. He figured it was better than just lying around wallowing in self-pity. 

"Down your drink if you've lost your virginity!" He zoned back in halfway through some drinking game, eyebrows raising as Jiho threw the rest of the vodka and coke mixture down his neck. Well that was bullshit. Byungjoo knew everything about Jiho’s love life, usually more than he wanted to know. But Jiho had never told him he'd actually slept with someone, and there was no way his brother would miss the chance to gloat about something like that. 

Byungjoo was getting sick of this. He stood to leave as the game continued, going to the kitchen in the hope of finding a drink that didn't taste like complete shit, and hopefully some snacks. He couldn't stand being in that room with those people any longer. With his brother acting like a completely different person. 

He and Jiho had been together since they were born, they were inseparable, did everything together. That was until a year ago when they were split up in school. It killed Byungjoo, Jiho was his support mechanism. Without Jiho he just crumbled. And now he didn't even recognise his twin anymore. 

Though, maybe it was hypocritical for him to be angry at Jiho for pretending to be someone else, he did that every single day. He was lying to everyone, lying to himself. He took a swig of beer, eyes stinging as he willed away the tears. There was no way he was going to cry in a place like this. 

He heard muffled giggles from outside of the open kitchen door, shuffling around the table to see who it was. He didn't really want to be disturbed right now. 

Was that...? Jiho. And some girl. They seemed to just be talking, but- No, now they were clumsily making out. Great. So now Byungjoo was going to be abandoned for the entire night. Byungjoo hoped to god she was at least around their age, he couldn't see what an eighteen-year-old would want with a fourteen-year-old, but then again he didn't know why they were even at this party for the same reason. 

She looked kind of familiar actually, from what he could see, though he didn't really want to stick around and watch long enough to figure it out. 

He retreated back further into the kitchen to make himself a sandwich, because why the fuck not? He hadn't eaten since breakfast, trying to avoid being downstairs at Sangwon’s party as much as possible and he was starving. 

He just hoped Jiho would be back soon so they could leave. He was really sick of this place. 

 

⊶◬⊷

 

"Hey, can we talk?" Hyunho hovered at the entrance of his and Dongsung's shared room. He always felt like he had to ask permission even though he slept in there too. 

"About what?" Dongsung's replies were always so curt when Hyunho was involved. 

"I dunno...us? I guess?" He sat down on the edge of his bed, which was directly opposite Dongsung's, legs crossed underneath him as he looked at his brother. 

"Us? We're not a fucking couple, Hyunho." Dongsung scoffed. He may not get on with his brother that much, but that didn't dampen his sense of humour. 

Hyunho laughed under his breath. "You know what I mean. I just- I want us to be close again. I..." He took a deep breath in, eyes averting to the ground. "I miss you."

"How can you miss me? You wake up every morning and I'm here." Dongsung raised an eyebrow, pausing whatever he was watching to look at the elder. 

"I miss..." Hyunho wasn't that great with words. He sighed in frustration. Why couldn’t he just tell Dongsung how he felt? How he hated what had happened between them. How he missed just hanging out with his brother, his best friend. How he missed eating lunch with him and then arguing over who got the best slice of pizza. How he missed stupid things like that. How he missed Dongsung. "I just miss you, okay. I don’t know how else to describe it."

Dongsung chewed on the inside of his lip. He knew exactly what Hyunho meant; he just kind of wanted to hear the other boy say it. 

"Look, I've said I'm sorry for what happened, and I really am, Dongsung, I just- I panicked, I froze, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know they were going to hurt you like that, and I couldn't stop them. I-" He played with the hem of his shirt, not knowing what else to say. "I really don't have a problem with you being gay, how could I? Our parents are. I just- I don't even know. I wanted to fit in, I guess, and I went about that the complete wrong way. I'm sorry."

Dongsung's chest tightened as Hyunho looked up at him, eyes glassy. He wanted to forgive his brother, he really did. He had never told his parents that Hyunho was there, that he was friends with those guys. He had just said he didn't know who they were. His brother had stopped speaking to them eventually, he found a new friendship group when he started playing rugby, but that didn't mean the boys had left Dongsung alone. There was still so much he didn't know. 

"Hyunho I- There's something I need to tell you." His heart rate sped up. He had never told anyone this before. Not his parents, definitely not Sanggyun. But he felt like he needed to get it off his chest. That maybe it would help him forgive Hyunho. 

Hyunho's eyebrows furrowed as Dongsung seemed to shrink in on himself. "What is it?"

"I-uh. That's not all that happened, he-" Dongsung seemed to pause, unsure of what he wanted to say next. Did he even want to tell Hyunho? Maybe he should just keep it to himself, he had coped thus far. 

"What? Did they beat you up again?" Hyunho crossed over to Dongsung's bed, sitting down next to the younger. He knew the boys would still pick on his brother, but he didn't think they had hurt him anymore, not to his knowledge anyway. 

"Well- Yeah, but that's not what I was talking about." They would still push him about, punch him, kick him, but never as much as that first time. They were all bruises he could keep well hidden. 

"Then what?" Hyunho tentatively took Dongsung's hand in his, wanting the blonde to open up to him. "You can tell me."

Dongsung stared at their interlocked fingers. He took a deep breath in, not daring to look up at his brother. _Fuck_. 

"Austin, he didn't just hurt me he..." Dongsung swallowed thickly, tears pricking at his eyes. "He'd make me do stuff."

"Stuff?" What was Dongsung talking about?

"Like, he'd..." Dongsung's breath began to shudder, voice barely above a whisper. He really didn't want to say it, hoping Hyunho would catch on. "Make me do stuff _to_ him."

Hyunho's eyes widened. Was Dongsung saying what he thought he was? Did-

"Did he rape you?"

Dongsung's gaze shot up to meet Hyunho’s, obscured by tears as he furiously shook his head. "No!" He hated that word. "No- He- We-." He couldn't get his words out as the sobs wracked through his body. He felt like he was going to pass out. 

Hyunho pulled Dongsung into a tight hug as the younger began to cry. He was shaking. Hyunho raked his fingers through blonde hair in an attempt to calm his brother down, gently rocking him back and forth. 

"Dongsung," Hyunho's voice was calm but stern, he didn't want to scare the younger, but he needed to know exactly what happened. "I need a yes or no answer from you, okay? You can just nod or shake your head, but I need to know."

Dongsung nodded slowly, indicating he understood. 

"Did he force you to have sex with him?"

Dongsung whimpered softly in his older brothers arms. 

Hyunho's breath hitched. He put his hands either side of Dongsung's cheeks, urging the blonde to sit up and look at him. 

"Yes or no." He internally cursed himself as his voice began to waiver. "Did he force you to have sex with him?"

Dongsung nodded. 

Hyunho felt his heart drop in his chest. Everything seemed to freeze around him. This was all his fault. He should have stopped them. Dongsung was vulnerable and he allowed his _friends_ to target him. His brother was raped and it was all his fault. 

"I'm going to fucking kill him."

"Hyunho, no!" Dongsung leapt off his bed as his brother made his way to their door, slamming it shut with one hand as the other tried to open it and storm out. He knew exactly what Hyunho was like. Hot headed and never thought before acting. "It's Sangwon’s birthday and Dad is already stressed enough, he doesn't need you getting into a fight."

"Do you think I care about that?!" Hyunho shouted back, temper flared. "He needs to fucking pay, Dongsung."

Dongsung stepped in front of the door, barricading it shut. He was bigger than Hyunho, and there was no way the elder was going to take this out on him after what he had just told him. 

"Look, you don't get to play the protective older brother role now. You're a year too late. It's over now, okay. I just want to forget about it."

Hyunho winced at Dongsung's words. _A year?_ He didn't even think about when this happened, how young Dongsung would have been. There were only a couple of months between them, but Dongsung was still his baby brother. 

"You were only fifteen?"

Dongsung averted Hyunho’s eye contact again. Why did he tell him? He should have just kept it to himself. 

"Fourteen...when it started."

"Jesus Christ." Hyunho ran his fingers through his hair. Dongsung had really been dealing with this for that long? On his own? "Do Dad and Appa know?" 

"No! And you can't tell them!" Dongsung hissed, leaning in closer to the elder. "No one knows. I didn't even want to tell you!"

"You need to tell them!"

"No! Hyunho, I'm serious." Dongsung went back to sit on his bed, pulling one of his pillows close to his chest as a form of comfort. "Because then Sanggyun will find out. And he can't know because th-"

Dongsung cut himself off as he began to cry again. He felt like he was going to have a panic attack. Like he wasn't the 6ft gym freak but that weak, scared little kid that got bullied for his sexuality. 

"Because what?" Hyunho's voice was soft as he sat back down next to his brother. He could understand that Dongsung wanted to protect Sanggyun, that he didn't want the younger to know this about him. Dongsung was Sanggyun’s rock, he couldn't bear looking weak in front of him. 

"Because..." He had no idea why he was telling Hyunho this, but it was too late, the floodgates had opened and he just wanted to get everything off his chest. "Th-that's why we were put in care."

"What?" Hyunho gasped as his brother broke down again, pulling the blonde back into his chest. He honestly didn't know any of his brother’s adoption stories; it was something they all tried to avoid. They had a family now and that's all that mattered. It had never even crossed his mind that any of them would have gone through something like this. 

"My...my biological Dad he- He used to touch me and that's why we were taken away. Sanggyun was just a baby, so, luckily social services got us out before anything happened to him but... I- I still don't want him to know. Please don't tell anyone." Dongsung was shaking even harder than before, hands fisting into Hyunho’s now damp shirt.

Hyunho swallowed thickly, not really knowing how to react in a situation like this. His brother had just told him not one, but two traumatic experiences he had been bottling up and repressing for most of his life and all Hyunho could do was hold him while he cried his heart out. His biological parents were perfect, they loved him more than anything, he was their only child. He had been too self-absorbed to even consider that his brothers had much worse childhoods than him and that's why they ended up in care. How many of the rest of them were struggling with something similar?

He felt tears begin to roll down his own cheeks as he pressed a soft kiss to Dongsung's bleached hair. He wasn't the most affectionate when it came to his siblings, not like Hansol or Hyosang were, but Dongsung clearly needed it right now. He needed someone to comfort him and make sure he knew he was loved. Someone to keep his secret. 

"Don't worry; I'm not going to tell anyone."

 

⊶◬⊷

 

Sangwon's party was beginning to simmer down, much to Hojoon's delight. He loved his son and wanted him to be happy, but he had forgotten how loud kids his age were, it had been a while since he'd had so many young teenagers running riot. 

"Kids! Come help me clear up!" He shouted into the living room for some of the older boys to lend a hand. There was no way he was doing this alone. 

The one thing he dreaded the most about having ten kids parties a year was the aftermath. The mess and the sugar highs. He honestly just wanted to snuggle up with his sons and watch whatever movie Sangwon chose and go to bed. He was completely drained. 

"Appa!" 

Hojoon swallowed thickly. Did he hear that right? Was Sangdo actually here? His eyes flickered up to the clock on the wall. 21:06. _Seriously?_ He was showing up on his own son's birthday after 9pm? 

The kids that were helping him made their way into the living room to greet their father, Hojoon trailing behind. He felt fingers intertwine with his own. He didn't even have to turn around to know it was Hyosang. 

Out of all of his kids Hyosang was the one that took Hojoon's side over Sangdo’s. He barely even talked to his other father like the rest of them did. Most of them didn't want to have to choose, and Hojoon would never make them, he still wanted them to have a relationship with Sangdo. But Hyosang didn't seem to want anything to do with the lawyer. 

He furrowed his eyebrows, not even registering the fact Sangdo was in their house without knocking. It's not like he had a key anymore. He mustn't have locked the door after sending some of Sangwon's friends on their way when their parents came to pick them up.

He glanced over at the thirteen-year-old bouncing excitedly in front of his father. Honestly, it warmed his heart. He loved seeing his kids happy and if Sangdo made them happy then he was more than okay with that. He never wanted to rip them away from him; he just couldn't be in a relationship with their father anymore. 

He smiled softly at the scene in front of him as more of the kids settled down in the living room to chat to their father. It had been a good few weeks since he had last come over. That was the only problem. He hated the idea of them getting their hopes up just for Sangdo to let them down again and again. 

To begin with, the divorce was just a threat, a last resort action to get Sangdo to change his ways, to spend more time with them. But it didn't work; he would still be away for weeks on end. And it still wasn't working now they were officially separated. He was still never around. 

Hojoon's heart sunk as the front door clicked shut, a petite woman in her mid-twenties tottering into the living room carrying a large gift bag. His breath shuddered as his fingers tightened around Hyosang's, stopping his son from going over there and making a scene in front of Sangdo's new fiancé. It wouldn't be the first time. 

"Mina!" Sangwon ran up to her, throwing his arms around her waist as she leaned down to hug him back. He felt sick. 

"What is _she_ doing here?" The brunette whispered to his father, eyes trained on Mina as she presented the gift to an overly excited Sangwon. 

Hojoon couldn't even respond. He was scared that if he spoke the floodgates would open. And there was no way he was going to cry in front of her. 

"Are you okay?" Taeyang was at his other side. His eldest still spoke to Sangdo; he still got along great with his father, but was just as protective as Hyosang when his future step-mother was involved. Taeyang couldn't stand her, and he was pretty sure she didn't like him back. She only really seemed to care about the younger kids, they were more impressionable. She didn't even try with Taeyang, knowing she could never replace Hojoon. 

"She shouldn't be here." Hyosang glowered. This was _their_ house, their family home. That woman had no right to be here. 

"Hyosang." Hojoon warned. He didn't want any trouble. Not today. "It's Sangwon's birthday, you know how excited he was to see his Appa, don't ruin it for him."

Hyosang huffed, fingers un-tangling from Hojoon's as he made his way upstairs. There was no way he was standing around and watching those two play happy families. Them trying to buy Sangwon's love. 

Hyosang had always been a hopeless romantic, that was, until his parents relationship fell apart. 

He thought his Dad and his Appa would be together forever. They were so in love. He would get starry eyed over the way they'd stare at each other, the subtle kisses they shared when they thought none of the kids were watching, the way Hojoon fit so perfectly into Sangdo’s arms. 

All he wanted was a relationship like that. To be in love. 

But he learnt that even the most seemingly perfect relationships didn't work out. He didn't remember a lot from his parent’s separation, he had tried to block a lot of it out, it was a messy time. But he remembered his Dad crying. A lot. 

_"Daddy?"_

_Hojoon straightened up, wiping his face. He wasn't crying. He couldn't look like he was crying. "Yeah baby?"_

_"Is Appa coming home tonight?"_

_He screwed his eyes shut, fighting the tears back down before turning to face Hyosang. The kids had no idea what was going on between their parents, that Hojoon was thinking of leaving Sangdo. At this point Sangdo didn't even know. Hojoon was still bottling everything up, trying to get on with things for the sake of their family. But he had just been rang by his husband, he could only assume it was an accidental pocket dial because the younger didn't reply and everything was muffled. But he could have sworn he heard giggling and kissing noises. It knocked him sick._

_"Not tonight, Hun, he has to work."_

_Hyosang sighed, climbing onto his father's bed. His Appa was never around anymore and he missed him. But more than anything he hated how sad it was making his Daddy. He knew they were in love but something felt off._

_"Daddy, I don't like seeing you cry."_

_"I wasn't crying, baby."_

_"Yes you were." Hyosang stared directly at Hojoon, with those huge doe eyes of his. "You cry a lot. I hear you at night. It's usually when Appa isn't here, but I hear you crying downstairs when he is too."_

_Hojoon's heart stopped beating. He had been so careful not to cry around the kids, not wanting to upset them. How was he meant to explain what was going on to a ten-year-old? Hyosang was pretty mature for his age, but he didn't really want to put this sort of responsibility on his kids._

_"Do you want a hug?"_

_Hojoon smiled, opening his arms out for Hyosang to settle into. That was exactly what he needed. He lay back against his pillows as Hyosang's head popped under his chin, arms wrapping around his waist. He couldn't believe how well Hyosang could cuddle into him now, he had grown so much. For only being ten he was pretty lanky and his limbs seemed to be so long. Yet another one that was probably going to outgrow him._

_"Daddy?"_

_"Yeah, babe?" Hojoon let his eyes flutter shut, fingers carding through Hyosang's hair as he inhaled the scent of his son's shampoo._

_"I love you."_

_Silent tears began to roll back down Hojoon's cheeks, not even bothering to wipe them away. If he knew Hyosang as well as he thought he did, the boy probably knew he was crying regardless._

_"I love you too, Hyosang. No matter what, I'll always love you."_

He slammed his door as he got up to his room; Sehyuk was already in there, flicking through the flat screen TV on the wall. 

"What's up with you?"

"Appa brought that slut over."

Sehyuk’s eyes widened. "Shit."

He had his problems with both of his parents, but he hated what Sangdo had done to Hojoon and his brothers. 

Sehyuk had always been closer to Sangdo, when he was younger he wouldn't leave the brunette's side. He practically idolised him. Until he tore their family apart. Sehyuk knew he should never have let his guard down, never have trusted anyone; never let people in, because everything falls apart eventually. 

"Is Hojoon okay?"

Hyosang sighed. "You know what he's like. He'll pretend he is because he doesn't want to ruin Sangwon's birthday then cry himself to sleep at night." 

_"Sehyuk! Wake up!"_

_The elder boy groaned as he rolled over to face the wall, pulling the covers up so he couldn't hear his brother._

_"Sehyuk!" The voice got closer as Hyosang jumped out of bed to shake Sehyuk. "I think Appa's back."_

_Sehyuk sat bolt upright in bed their Appa had been away for about three weeks and Sehyuk was absolutely dying to see him. He had been scheduled to come back earlier that evening, but didn't for some reason. Now he was back._

_"Dad won't mind if we go downstairs, come on."_

_They creeped out of their room, not wanting to wake everyone up until they knew for sure their Appa was back, waiting at the top of the stairs to listen in. They could hear their Dad, and he sounded upset._

_"I think Daddy's crying again." Hyosang whispered, fingers gripping into Sehyuk's t-shirt._

_"Shhh."_

_"This isn't working, Sangdo. **We** aren't working. I'm not happy. I can't do this anymore." _

_Both of their eyebrows furrowed._

_"What are you saying?" That was him. That was definitely their Appa. He was back, he-_

_"I want a divorce."_

**_What?_ **

_Sehyuk clamped his hand over Hyosang's mouth as the younger whimpered. He wanted to listen._

_"H-Hojoon where did this come from? Wh- You want to break up?"_

_Silence. Sehyuk could feel hot tears dripping down his hand as Hyosang cried silently beside him._

_"Hojoon!" He was pretty sure Sangdo was crying now too. He had never heard his Appa cry before. "I love you, why would you want to throw this all away?"_

_Sehyuk tried to shuffle a down a couple more steps so he could see what was happening. Why would his parents get a divorce? They seemed so happy._

_Hojoon laughed bitterly._

_"What's her name?"_

_"W-what?"_

_"Her name, Sangdo." He repeated, Sehyuk could see the sheen on the blonde's face from the tears. "That bitch you've been fucking. What's her name?"_

_Sehyuk's eyes widened, looking up at his brother who was still on the top step, mouth agape. They were both just kids, but neither of them were too naive to know what that meant. Had their Appa been cheating on their Dad? With a woman?_

_But...they were so in love. Their parents were meant to be together forever. They got married. Twice. Sehyuk remembered the second wedding vividly. They were all there. It was one of the happiest days of their lives._

_"Sehyuk." Hyosang whispered, voice barely recognisable as silent sobs wracked through his younger brother’s body. "They can't- He wouldn't."_

_Sehyuk made his way back up the stairs, he had to get Hyosang to bed, they didn't want to get caught awake at this hour when their parents were already in the middle of an argument._

_He took Hyosang by the hand and led him back to their room, the eleven-year old breaking down as soon as the door was shut. This couldn't be happening. His parents couldn't break up. Their Appa couldn't have cheated on their Dad. He couldn't. He would never do that. They were in love._

_Sehyuk wrapped his arms around Hyosang's shaking form, pulling the younger over to his bed as he shushed into his brother’s hair._

_"We can't tell the rest about this, Hyosang. Not until we know what's really happening. There's no point in getting them upset over nothing."_

_Sehyuk buried his head in Hyosang's shoulder, muffling his own tears._

"Fucking hell." He actually felt bad for Hojoon, it had been years but he knew this must still kill the blonde. "Sometimes I think life would be better if he just fucked off completely." He resented Sangdo for showing up when it suited him, and he resented Hojoon for allowing Sangdo to worm his way back into his brother’s hearts.

Hyosang hummed, clearly agreeing but too annoyed to say anything. 

"I just hope Dad's okay."

 

⊶◬⊷

 

"Hey, Jiho!"

He smiled as someone sat down next to him - Hansol's girlfriend, Emi. He hadn't even realised Byungjoo wasn't there anymore. Just where had his brother gotten to?

He pushed the thought out of his mind. Not only was Emi incredibly popular - she always played the female lead in school production - she was also ridiculously pretty. Maybe her talking to him would make some of the other girls here want to talk to him or something. 

"Hey, how come Hansol isn't here?" He hadn't even considered the fact any of his brothers would have been invited. 

She just shrugged. "Said he was busy."

Of course Hansol wouldn't ditch Sangwon’s birthday for some party. He didn't have to. Popularity came easy to him; he didn't have to try like Jiho did. 

The two of them talked, indulged in more drinking games that Jiho really shouldn't have, considering he couldn't hold his liquor for shit. 

"It's kinda boring in here, let's go somewhere else."

He could just about make out what Emi was saying as she dragged him out of his seat. His head was spinning, he had drunk way too much but he would never admit to it. He couldn't look like a total lightweight in front of everyone. 

"Oh my god!" She laughed as Jiho clung onto the door frame to keep himself upright. "You're so drunk!"

"I'm not!" Jiho pouted, words slurring. _Fuck_. He was really drunk. He didn't even feel like he'd had that much. Though, most of the shots were straight vodka or tequila. That probably didn't help. 

"You're really cute, you know that?" Emi giggled, fingers intertwining with Jiho's as she helped him steady himself against the passage wall. "I've always thought so."

Jiho felt his face heat up, smiling dopily. His heart race soared as her fingers meandered up his chest, hands planting themselves on his shoulders, urging him to bend down a little. 

What the fuck was happening?

Before Jiho could even respond, reflexes too slow due to alcohol consumption, her lips were on his, gliding over his own in an attempt to get him to kiss her back. 

And he did. His arms looped around Emi's waist, pulling her in closer. His lips fell open, tongue lapping against hers. The kiss was nothing spectacular, Jiho too drunk to fully know what he was doing. It was messy to say the least, but he wasn't complaining. He was at the biggest party of the year, making out with one of the most popular girls in school. And who knew, maybe this would go further. Maybe they'd end up alone in some room together. 

He hummed as she pressed up against him, hips rocking against his own. Okay. This was definitely happening. She wanted him. One of the prettiest girls he knew was all over him. Hansols girlfriend wan-

 _Wait_. 

Jiho snapped back, suddenly sobering up. What the _fuck_ was he doing? This was _Hansol’s girlfriend_. His _brother’s_ girlfriend. And he was making out with her. Thinking about banging her. And she was-

"What the fuck?" He whisper-shouted, head clearer. "Yo-you're with Hansol, why are you kissing me?"

Emi just shrugged in response. "Well, you seemed pretty into it too."

Jiho gaped. Fuck. He had actually just done that, hadn't he? After everything that had happened with-

Fuck. 

"I-I can't do this." He tried to make his way out of the hallway, but Emi stopped him, planting her hand firmly against the wall, creating a barricade with her arm. 

"Seriously? Jiho don't be such a pussy, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Don't you wanna fuck me?"

Jiho furrowed his eyebrows. Was this actually happening? Emi was more than willing to cheat on Hansol with his own brother? 

"Wh- No! You're my _brother’s_ _girlfriend_. I'm not going to help you cheat on him."

She rolled her eyes. "You know what, Jiho, I thought you were kinda cool, but I guess not. You're just a pathetic little virgin. Good luck trying to get any girl to like you after I tell everyone." She smirked, sauntering back into the living room. 

Jiho sighed, hands running through his dark hair. What the fuck had just happened? He had just kissed Hansol’s girlfriend. Fuck. And now she was going to ruin his life. Great. 

He honestly just wanted to go home right about now. He wasn't sure he could deal with the humiliation, but he had no idea where Byungjoo had gotten too. 

"Hey, you okay?" 

He could feel tears stinging his eyes, but he quickly wiped them before turning around. He couldn't fucking cry at a party like this. 

"Ye-yeah I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" 

Jiho nodded as he looked up at the guy that was talking to him. He recognised him from somewhere, but couldn't quite put his finger on it. Was this guy a few years above him at school? Maybe...

"You should ignore her, she's a fucking slut. I honestly can't believe your brother hasn't broken up with her already, god knows how many times she's cheated on him."

Jiho's stomach dropped. He hoped that wasn't true and this guy was just exaggerating. He hated the idea of someone treating Hansol like that. The idea of cheating knocked him sick...even though he'd just done it himself. Fuck, this was such a mess. Why did he kiss her back?

"Hey, don't worry about it." The guy pulled him into a one-armed hug, patting him on the back. "You pushed her away; it was just a quick drunken kiss."

Jiho sighed against his shoulder. He knew he had just gotten caught up in everything, in this stupid party, in someone actually taking an interest in him. But he still felt guilty. 

"Come on; let's go upstairs where it's more quiet." The guy rubbed his shoulder reassuringly. It made him smile. 

Jiho tripped a little on the stairs, but the guy helped him, giggling softly and calling him cute. It made him feel a lot better about himself - better than when Emi had called him cute. 

"Hey, uh...what's your name, by the way?" He felt dumb asking after this guy had just helped him. And if he was at a party like this, he must be pretty popular. Why couldn’t he place him? 

The guy smiled, pushing open a door leading to a bedroom. 

"Austin."

 _Austin_. Even the name sounded familiar but he couldn't figure out where from. Maybe it was because he was drunk. 

"I'm Jiho."

Austin turned on the TV, grabbing an Xbox controller and handing it to Jiho. That kind smile never once left his lips. 

"Oh, I know who you are." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well look who finally decided to show up


	4. Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IDK WHY I'M POSTING AGAIN BUT I MISSED DECENNIO SO HERE WE GO AAAAAA
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER:  
> underage drinking  
> cheating  
> non-consensual kissing  
> sexual assault*  
> homophobia  
> eating disorder mention
> 
> *w a cliffhanger sorry

Back downstairs, Hojoon sighed as Hyosang left. He didn't exactly want to stick around and watch this either, making his way back into the dining room to clear up some more of the mess. 

He hated that even after four years of being separated Sangdo still seemed to be ruling his life. That Hojoon was still coming off as the bad guy whenever the brunette didn't show up as promised because Sangdo would always come bearing gifts and they'd go running straight back to his arms when he eventually did. Sometimes not for weeks later. 

But it was Hojoon who had to mend their broken hearts, reassure them that their Appa still loved and cared about them, even though he spent way more time with his new family. With _her_. 

He had barely put two plates away when he gave up, dragging his hands down his face. He was too tired for this. The just wanted to go to bed, but he couldn't very well do that with Sangdo and Mina still here. 

"Hojoon?"

Speak of the devil. 

He turned at the sound of his ex-husband's voice, a soft smile on his face as he greeted the younger. 

"Woah, this looks like it was quite that party."

Hojoon hummed, stacking a pile of bowls to throw in the dishwasher. "Would have been nice for you to show up for it."

"I was busy." 

Hojoon inwardly rolled his eyes. He was so fucking sick of hearing those words. 

"Hm. Well, at least you’re here now. Sangwon would have been heartbroken if you didn't bother to turn up at all like last month. He's not as used to being let down by you as Taeyang and Dongsung are." Sangwon still put his Appa on a pedestal. He adored Sangdo, wouldn't let any of his brothers say a bad word about the man in his presence. And honestly, Hojoon didn't want that illusion to be shattered. He loved that Sangwon still had such a healthy relationship with his father; he was just worried Sangdo was going to ruin it one day. And guess who would have to pick up the pieces?

"I was away, Hojoon, I couldn't help it."

"Yeah, because you booked a holiday away with your girlfriend and her kids during two of your actual sons birthdays!" Hojoon snapped back, trying his best not to raise his voice. He hated the kids hearing them argue. 

" _Fiancé_. She's my fiancé, Hojoon." Sangdo retorted, expression unchanging. 

Hojoon rolled his eyes physically this time. Was that seriously Sangdo's response? He was just going to gloss over the fact he had purposely went on holiday at the time of Taeyang and Dongsung's birthdays and only going to correct Hojoon on his relationship status? 

"Whatever, Sangdo. It fucking _destroyed_ them." Taeyang had relapsed last month because of it, and Dongsung, his usually happy-go-lucky giant, barely spoke to anyone for weeks. He hated what Sangdo was _still_ doing to his family. 

Sangdo sighed. He hated letting his kids down, he did, but he really was just too busy to come over all the time. It was difficult for him, being torn between his two families, and it didn't help that Hojoon didn't exactly make him, or especially Mina, feel welcome. 

"Sangwon wants to come live with us."

The sound of glass smashing barely even registered as Hojoon gaped back at Sangdo. Did he just say...? No. he couldn't have. Sangwon couldn't leave. 

He completely ignored Sangdo, kneeling down to pick up the glass as if on autopilot, as if he wanted to pretend what his ex-husband had just said wasn't real. He was hearing things. That was it. Sangwon wouldn't want to go live with Sangdo and some strangers. _She_ could never love him like Hojoon did. 

 _Fuck._  He hissed as he cut his hand on the glass, brain not functioning well enough to consider getting gloves or a dustpan to sweep up the shards. 

"Hojoon!" Sangdo ran over to the blonde's aid. It was his natural reaction after years of looking out for him. He wet a cloth, kneeling down to hold it to the cut on the elders hand, careful not to hurt himself in the process. 

Hojoon's eyes were glazed over. Sangdo wasn't even sure he had fully taken of what he had said before. He knew how much that would hurt Hojoon, but it was what Sangwon wanted. 

Hojoon swallowed thickly as his eyes rose to meet Sangdo’s. They were just as dark and warm as he remembered. He would spend hours staring into those eyes, whispering sweet nothings, fingers ghosting over soft skin. It was where he felt safest. 

Until it all fell apart. 

_"Hojoon, we can make this work, I know we can."_

_It had been weeks since Hojoon told Sangdo he wanted a divorce. Since he had accused the younger of cheating on him._

_Since Sangdo had admitted to it._

_Hojoon hadn't exploded like he expected he would. He didn't say a thing to his husband other than 'get out'. He had nothing to say._

_Sangdo had been staying in a hotel ever since. It made more sense for him to stay away while they tried to sort things out. He was always away anyway. And Hojoon wasn't the one that had cheated. He wasn't the one that broke their family._

_"We can't just throw away twenty-six years over this."_

_"You should have thought about that before you fucked someone else, Sangdo."_

_They were sat in Sangdo's hotel room. Hojoon refused to let him back into the house, not wanting to argue in front of the kids._

_Sangdo ran his hands through his dark hair. He knew there weren't enough apologies in the world to make this up to Hojoon. He had broken the elders trust. They had been together since they were teenagers and he had completely shattered that._

_"I love you, Hojoon. I love the kids. And I'm pretty sure you still love me too."_

_Hojoon said nothing. Because he did._

_He really fucking did._

No _._

_Hojoon, you are not getting sucked back in._

He couldn't let himself think like that anymore. Remembering the good times hurt too much. It reminded him of what he had lost, what he had sacrificed for the sake of his kids. 

He stood up, eyes tearing away from Sangdo’s as he made his way out of the dining room, the buzzing in his ears drowning out the calls of his name. He really couldn't be around Sangdo right now. 

 

⊶◬⊷

 

"Wow, you're really shit at this game." Austin scoffed, nudging Jiho. Maybe a little too hard, causing the younger to fall onto the bed, sticking his elbow out to stop him toppling off completely. 

"It's only because I'm kind of drunk." Jiho slurred, eyes squinting as he tried to focus on the screen. Honestly, the swerving motions of the computer generated car he was driving were making him a little nauseous. 

"Kind of?" Austin laughed under his breath, lying back against the pillows of the bed they were sat on. "You're pretty smashed."

Jiho followed suit, not sure he could face another lap when the mountain of cushions behind him looked so much more inviting. He hummed softly in response as he nuzzled into a particularly fluffy cushion. Maybe he could just, like...take a nap or something. That seemed like a good idea. 

"You okay?"

Jiho nodded, one eye cracking open to find Austin’s face inches from his own, worry written all over it. 

"You're not gonna vom, are you?"

"M'fine." He wasn't sure that he was fine, but as long as he had his eyes closed, the room wasn't spinning and it's not like he was about to admit he felt like he was going to throw up. He didn't want to look like a total lightweight. 

He shifted slightly, burying himself further into the pillows as fingers carded through his hair. He was way too gone to properly register who was doing it, and it actually felt kind of nice. It reminded him of when he was younger and his Dad would stroke his hair until he fell asleep, and sleeping seemed like the best option right about now. 

"You're so much cuter than your brother."

Jiho hummed again, the words not setting in for a good ten seconds before his eyes snapped open, eyebrows furrowed. 

"My brother?"

He barely had time to finish the sentence before lips were on his, a weight pushing him back onto the bed. His head was well and truly spinning now, so much so that he couldn't seem to move it, even slightly turn so Austin's lips weren't on his. 

He tried to speak, to say anything to get the older boy off of him but it only made things worse, giving the elder the opportunity to stick his younger down his throat. If he didn't feel sick before, that would definitely do it. 

He tried his hardest to squirm away, but his arms were trapped between the two of their chests, not giving him enough room to push the other boy off.  He screwed his eyes shut, whimpering as a firm hand on his hip kept him in place. 

He gasped for air as Austin pulled away, finally gaining enough wiggle room to push the elder off - not as much as he wanted, Austin was still looming over him. 

"What the fuck?!"

Austin’s throaty chuckle sent shivers down his spine. He sunk back into the bed covers, wanting to put as much space between then as possible. He wanted to push him off and run, but he felt like he couldn't. He had already pushed Hansol girlfriend away and she was probably downstairs spreading all sorts of shit about him. Did he really want someone else to do that? 

"What? Don't act like you don't want this, Jiho." The younger flinched as Austin's fingers ghosted over his cheek. "I know _all_ about your family." 

Jiho whimpered as lips came back into contact with his, this kiss wasn't quite as ravenous, but it didn't mean he liked it. What the fuck was Austin talking about? His family? What did they have to do with anything? Because he had two fathers? And what did he mean before by _'you're so much cuter than your brother'_? Which brother? 

He managed to turn his head away this time, just enough to ask Austin to stop. But he didn't listen. The elder was much heavier than him, much stronger. Jiho may be tall for his age but he wasn't exactly built like Hyunho and Dongsung. 

 _Hyunho._  

That's where he recognised this guy from. He used to be friends with Hyunho. _Used_ to be. Why did they stop talking? He couldn't even remember. Did this guy even go to their school anymore? He was pretty sure he would have seen him around if he did. He was huge. Probably a rugby player or something. Jiho wasn't into sports, at all, but he'd go along to his brothers games if he had to. He couldn't recall ever seeing this guy on Hyunho's rugby team. 

He seemed to sober up all of a sudden, right about when Austin sucked a cranberry mark into his neck. 

Why the fuck was he just lying here taking it?

"Get the fuck off me!" 

He found a new lease of energy, managing to push Austin off enough to squirm out from underneath him, further across the bed. However, sitting up made the room spin again, a violent churning in his stomach as he struggled to stand. 

 _Fuck_. 

His back came back into contact with the mattress, this time his arms pinned to either side of his head, ensuring he wouldn't be able to escape again. 

"I-I'm not gay."

"Come on, Jiho, you're a Yu. Of course you're a fucking faggot." Austin was completely on top of him this time, straddling his hips so he couldn't move no matter how hard he tried. "You're all the same. Teases. Dongsung used to pretend he didn't like it either."

Jiho’s stomach lurched at the mention of his older brother. He knew Dongsung was gay but he had never really had a boyfriend or anything, not to his knowledge anyway. _Used to pretend he didn't like it either?_ Did Austin force himself onto Dongsung too?

"I-I'm not, I-" Jiho could barely get his words out, thrashing against the mattress to try and throw Austin off of him. It was no use though. He could feel his wrists already beginning to bruise, and because he elder was on his hips, his legs were no use. He tried to cry out, but it only made Austin press another forceful kiss to his lips in to silence him. 

"You know how loud the music is down there, Jiho. No one’s gonna hear you." His vision began to blur as tears welled up in his eyes. This wasn't happening. This was some kind of sick nightmare. He had passed out drunk and it was making him have fucked up dreams. 

He thrashed again, summoning up all of his energy to try and get away, tears rolling down his face as Austin simply laughed at his feeble attempts, pushing his hips down further against Jiho's. 

"Baby, you know you want this, so it'll be a lot easier for the both of us if you just let it happen."

 

⊶◬⊷

 

Taeyang trailed upstairs after Sangdo had asked him where the rest of his brothers were. He knocked on Yoonchul's door, convincing him he should at least go down and say hello before making his way to the twins’ room. 

He knocked. No answer. Weird. He knocked again. Still nothing. It's not like he could hear loud music or anything, they couldn't be drowning him out. He decided to let himself in, not really caring if Jiho would throw a tantrum or not. Which he would. 

But the room was empty. His eyebrows furrowed as the curled up form of Byungjoo he was used to seeing wasn’t on the bed, but a pile of discarded clothes were. _What the fuck?_

He wandered around the house looking for them, heart skipping a beat as he noticed his Dad's room was shut, a fraction of light spilling it from under the door. He didn't know what his Appa had said to upset him this time, but he would find out after he found the twins. 

He tried Sehyuk and Hyosang's room. He hadn't bothered asking them if they wanted to go downstairs earlier, knowing fine well the answer would be no. But maybe Byungjoo and Jiho would be in there too. 

"Have you seen the twins?"

Hyosang shrugged. "I assumed they were in their room." 

"Well, they're not, which is weird for Byun-"

"They're fine." Sehyuk spoke up from his bed, where he was playing some Xbox game. 

Taeyang furrowed his eyebrows. How did Sehyuk know that? He couldn't find them anywhere. 

"They're at some party. I took them over before."

"You fucking _what?_ "

Sehyuk paused his game, placing the controller down beside him. "They wanted to go, so I took them."

"Sehyuk, what the fuck? Dad said they couldn't go."

Sehyuk scoffed. This was classic Taeyang; he was such a Daddy's boy. "So? He doesn't need to know. Let them have fun."

Taeyang's jaw dropped. They were only fourteen. Just because Sehyuk was going out and getting drunk and doing god knows what else at that age, didn't mean he should be encouraging his younger brothers to follow suit. 

Hyosang sensed the tension in the room, making his exit. There was no way he was getting caught up in yet another argument between his two eldest brothers. He'd find somewhere else to hide out until Sangdo was gone. 

"That kid's in my year, Sehyuk, why the fuck would you take them to an eighteen-year-old's party?"

Honestly, Sehyuk had been regretting it. He had been considering going back over there and bringing them home. He didn't want them to get caught up in any of the stuff he had. He didn't want them to get hurt. 

But there was something about Taeyang that made him automatically want to fight with the elder, regardless of whether he agreed with what he was saying or not. He was so sanctimonious Sehyuk couldn't stand it. 

"Look, Taeyang," Sehyuk stood up to cross the room, coming face to face with his brother, "just because you have no social life or friends and still haven't gotten laid doesn't mean they have to be the same. Let them have fun."

Taeyang clenched his jaw. It was rare that he and Sehyuk saw eye to eye, but he couldn't believe the younger would put the twins in danger like this. They were nowhere near old enough to be going to a party like that. 

"You're a fucking dick, you know that, right?"

Sehyuk smirked. Taeyang really knew how to get to him. 

Sehyuk was only a few inches taller than his brother, but he was significantly stronger, partially due to Taeyang weighing barely anything. Their confrontations involved Taeyang pushing him to breaking point and Sehyuk snapping, resulting in him punching the elder or something. He knew Taeyang goaded him on purpose, so he would come off as the bad guy and Taeyang would get all of the love and affection as per usual. 

"You don't give a shit about anyone but yourself."

He clenched his fist, trying to calm himself down. He wasn't letting Taeyang win this time. 

"Our parents have given you this amazing life and this is how you repay them? You go out and get drunk and get kicked out of school, and now you're trying to get Byungjoo and Jiho do to the same."

 _Oh here we go; the holier-than-thou act is coming out again._ Taeyang had this habit of making himself seem perfect compared to Sehyuk; the prodigal son. _Don't let him get to you, just stay calm._

"You literally couldn't care less about anyone in this family could you?"

"Oh, please." Sehyuk folded his arms across his chest. "Don't give me that bullshit; you know fine well I care about them all. It's _you_ I don't give a shit about, Taeyang."

His breath hitched as a flicker of hurt flashed through Taeyang's dark eyes. That may have been too far, but it was too late to take it back now. It was partially true, anyway. 

"I don't _care_ if you don't give a shit about me; this is about Byungjoo and Jiho. Tell me where they are so I can go get them."

Was he being serious? As if Sehyuk would tell Daddy's boy that. "For fucks sake Taeyang why can't you just let them enjoy themselves?"

"Because I don't want them turning out anything like you!"

Sehyuk scoffed. Again. Of course he didn't. Taeyang would much rather his brothers just stay at home and not make any friends or have a life. He would much rather Byungjoo just lay in bed all day staring at his wall and not speaking to anyone, as opposed to going out and having fun and getting over whatever was up with him. 

"Because then turning out like you is any better? You'd rather they lock themselves up in their rooms and starve themselves instead?"

Taeyang's eyes unfocused, that's not what he wanted at all. He wanted Byungjoo to feel better, he had no idea how, but he knew this wasn't the way to do it. He wanted Jiho to continue being happy and gaining confidence, but he didn't want him to fall in with the wrong crowd. 

"I don't want them turning out anything like me either." Taeyang's voice was small, tight almost. He just wanted the best for all of his younger brothers. Even Sehyuk, no matter how much the brunette resented him. "Just tell me where they are so I can bring them home before they get into trouble. Before _you_ get into trouble. Before something happens to them. They're just kids, Sehyuk."

Taeyang and Sehyuk were just kids themselves. Taeyang had barely turned seventeen and Sehyuk would be in a couple of weeks, but the two of them still treated their younger brothers like babies to some extent. They both wanted to nurture and protect them. To help them grow. It was the only thing they really agreed on. 

Sehyuk sighed. Honestly, he was worried about the twins being at this party on their own. He prayed something hadn't happened to them. That they weren't too drunk and had some grasp of what was going on around them. He would never forgive himself if anything happened to Jiho and Byungjoo. But at the same time he really did want them to enjoy themselves. Byungjoo seemed to be in such a bad place at the moment he just wanted the younger to loosen up, to make friends. What better opportunity was there than this party? But, on the other hand, alcohol and depression didn't exactly mix. He knew this could end terribly. He had been here. 

He hated agreeing with Taeyang but they needed to go get the twins. 

"Okay, fine. But don't you dare run to Hojoon and tell him."

The two of them drove in silence to the house Sehyuk had dropped Byungjoo and Jiho off at. The party was still going strong, loud music blaring, people smoking in the front garden, someone throwing up on the path. Taeyang sighed, deeply. This was his own personal hell. 

He didn't do parties. He didn't really _do_ anything. Sehyuk was right, he didn't even have friends, but honestly, that was the least of his troubles. 

"Right, come on then." 

Taeyang followed Sehyuk up the path to the party, feeling massively out of place as he wrapped his jacket closer around himself. He felt like everyone was staring at him. 

"Taeyang." He groaned as he recognised some kid from his music class leaning up against the door frame. "Who the fuck invited you?"

"No one. I'm just here to get my brothers and leave." The brunette retorted, not even looking the kid in the eye. _Jesus Christ_. He really hated this. 

"Hm, sweet." The boy cocked his head, standing up straight; he towered over Taeyang at his full height. "But you're not coming in, go run along home and make yourself throw up or whatever it is you do."

Taeyang shrunk back into his jacket. This was a terrible idea; he should have known he wouldn't have been allowed in, really. The popular kids at school avoided him like the plague. 

"Don't fucking speak to him like that." Taeyang's eyes widened as Sehyuk stepped in front of him. The younger had never defended him before. 

"Listen, right." Sehyuk squared up to the kid at the door. "We're going in there and getting our kid brothers and we're going to take them home."

"Or what?"

"Or I'll cave your fucking head in." 

Sehyuk may not have been to school at all this year, but he still had a reputation. People knew how he was and what he was capable of. And he definitely wasn't afraid of getting his hands a little dirty to protect his brothers...even Taeyang. 

The kid moved out of the way, letting them in, he wasn't willing to get beat up over stopping some nerd from getting in. He doubted anyone would even realise. 

"Hey," Taeyang tugged at Sehyuk's sleeve, catching the younger's attention, "thanks for sticking up for me."

"No problem." Sehyuk didn't like Taeyang all that much, but it was in his nature to look out for all of his brothers, regardless of whether they got on or not. "We should really try and find the twins, though." 


	5. Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus Christ the entire Toppdogg tag is just me talking to myself javdksbdjs oop. Oh well. I still love my boys and always will even if I live to cause them pain (*´ω｀*)
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER:  
> attempted rape  
> anxiety  
> self harm mention

Byungjoo was sat on the kitchen floor, leaning back against a cupboard as he finished off another bottle. Jiho still wasn't back. Maybe he'd finally get the chance to gloat about losing his virginity. That would be the icing on top of the pile of shit that was currently Byungjoo's life.

He just wanted to go home, but he was pretty sure Jiho wouldn't want to leave yet and there was no way he was leaving his brother here alone. He figured he might as well try and convince the younger to come with him. However, considering Jiho wasn't answering his phone, finding him would be a whole other story.

This place was huge, maybe even bigger than their own house, which was pretty big considering twelve of them lived there. He scanned the living room, not actually daring to go in out of fear some someone throwing another drink down his neck or actually trying to engage him in conversation. He tried outside, the second living room, the dining room, the conservatory. Nothing. Unless Jiho had left without him, he must be upstairs.

He made his way up, a little hesitant to try opening any of the doors in case he got shouted at or walked in on something he'd rather not see.

He tried ringing Jiho again, in the hope he would pick up this time. No such luck. He could have sworn he heard Jiho's ringtone, however. He had that annoying 8-bit jingle ingrained in his memory, Jiho's phone never stopped ringing when they were at home.

He pressed dial again, trying to follow the sound of the ringtone. It proved difficult considering how loud the music was blasting downstairs, but he was pretty sure the sound was coming from this particular door.

He hesitated. What if Jiho actually was sleeping with that girl and he just burst in? He'd never speak to Byungjoo again.

He chewed on his bottom lip, checking the time on his phone. Almost 10pm. Surely it wouldn't be long until their Dad realised they were missing. His eyes flickered across to his phones battery. 3%. _Fuck_. There was no way he'd be able to ring Jiho later. Or Sehyuk to come pick them up for that matter. He had no choice but to go in. He could deal with the wrath of Jiho later.

He took a deep breath as he pushed the door open, praying to god Jiho and that girl were at least partially dressed. That was, assuming his brother was even in there. He would be pretty fucked if he wasn't.

"What the fuck?"

Byungjoo's eyes widened at the scene in front of him; Jiho pinned down to the bed with a much bigger guy on top of him.

But...Jiho wasn't into guys. There had been a point when he had assumed the younger was because he was so effeminate, but Jiho had made it clear he was only interested in girls.

So, what the fuck was going on here?

"Joo!"

His heart lept as Jiho called his name, snapping him out of his trance. His brother was clearly struggling to get away, tears streaming down his face.

"Get the fuck off of him!"

The other guy merely smirked in response, a quip about two for the price of one on the tip of his tongue when a fist collided with his face. Hard.

Jiho’s breath hitched as Byungjoo punched Austin square in the jaw, with such force it caused to loosen his grip on Jiho’s arms, giving him just enough room to push him off and scramble to his feet.

He watched, mouth agape as Byungjoo laid into Austin. He had no idea his brother had it in him. In complete parallel to Jiho, Byungjoo was pretty small for his age, and here he was taking on someone way bigger than him.

"Joo!" Jiho called out for him again, grabbing his twin by the arm to pull him away before Austin was able to land a punch. He would never forgive himself if Byungjoo got hurt at a party he hadn't even wanted to come to. It was all Jiho's fault he was here in the first place. If he wasn't so desperate for attention none of this would have happened.

"You touch him again I'll fucking kill you." Byungjoo lunged forward again, almost escaping Jiho's grasp before the younger wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling him out of the room. Byungjoo was a lot stronger than he looked.

"Joo, come on! He's not worth it."

Jiho just about caught a glimpse of Austin as he dragged his brother away, smirking as he wiped blood from his mouth with the back of his hand. They needed to get out of here. Like, now.

"Jiho, what the f-"

"Can we just go? Please?"

Byungjoo let Jiho lead him downstairs, almost tripping in his desperation to get away.

"Ji-"

"Look, I don't want to talk about it. Can we just call Sehyuk and go?" He felt a little safer downstairs, there were more people and he was pretty sure Austin wouldn't try anything in such a large group, but he didn't want to be here at all.

"I- Yeah sure." Byungjoo wiped the blood off the back of his knuckles, reaching back into his pocket for his phone.

_Great._

"My phones dead, you'll have to ring him."

Jiho whined, wanting to get home as quick as possible. He dipped into his jears pocket, swearing under his breath as he realised it wasn't there. He patted himself down, stomach dropping. His phone wasn't on him at all. He didn't even have his jacket. In his panic he hadn't even realised Austin had stripped it off of him.

"Fuck."

"What?"

"I don't have it I-" He began to well up again, realising where his phone was. "I-It must still be in my jacket pocket when he-"

"So it's-"

"Yeah."

"Jesus Christ." Byungjoo raked his hands through his hair, exhaling through his nose. "I'll go back up."

"Don't you dare." Jiho's arms wrapped around Byungjoo's, pulling him close. He couldn't deal with being left alone right now. And there was no way he was letting Byungjoo go back into a room with a guy he had just beat up. "We- I'll get it later can we-" He could feel that he was on the brink of having an anxiety attack, maybe being around all of these people wasn't such a good idea after all. He just needed somewhere quiet. "Can we just, like, hide somewhere for a bit?"

Byungjoo sighed, he just wanted to go home too. But Jiho didn't look like he was in a good way at all. He knew his brother well enough to know Jiho needed to escape for a bit. And maybe he could find somewhere to plug his phone in.

"Okay, come on." He took Jiho's hand, wading through the mass of bodies. He could have sworn there were way more people here than before. He also could have sworn he'd found a spare room on the ground floor when he was looking for Jiho before. That seemed like a good option, hoping no one was in there already.

Thankfully, it was empty. He locked the door behind him as Jiho flopped down on the bed, arm thrown across his face to shield his eyes.

"Jiho-" He started, settling down next to his brother on the bed, swallowing as he realised he had no idea what to say to him. "Are you okay?"

Jiho groaned, rolling onto his side so he could bury his face in Byungjoo's sweatshirt. He just needed human contact, without it being forced upon him.

"Not really." His voice was barely above a whisper, muffled by soft, black material as Byungjoo's arms wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him in close. "He- He wouldn't stop."

Byungjoo's heart lept at how fragile Jiho's voice sounded, like he was on the verge of breaking down again. His breath was shaky as he tried to tell Byungjoo what had happened, what Austin had tried to do to him. It killed him hearing that, what his twin had gone though. He wished he had went up earlier, stopped him sooner. Maybe if he wasn't being so stubborn he could have-

"I'm sorry."

Jiho whispered, as he wrapped his arms around Byungjoo's waist, nuzzling further into his chest.

"This is all my fault, we should never have came here, I'm so sorry I dragged you and you got into a fight all because of me I'm such a fucking idiot. I'm so sorry."

"Don't apologise." Byungjoo couldn't deny that he never wanted to be here, that he never wanted Jiho to come here, that none of this would have happened if they had just stayed at home. But this wasn't Jiho's fault. He didn't do anything to deserve this. "You did nothing wrong."

"I did! I-I should have stayed home. Dad's probably freaking out, he can't get in contact with either of us, we can't ring Sehyuk, god knows how long we're going to be stuck here, I nearly-" He took a deep breath, not able to finish his sentence. If he said it aloud it would would be real. "I'm such an idiot. This is all my fault, everything's my-"

"Don't you dare blame yourself for this." Byungjoo spoke into Jiho's hair, voice cracking, barely above a whisper. He hated hearing Jiho talking about himself like that. Blaming himself for something so- So awful. Something he didn't ask for.

"I-" Jiho sniffled, not fully understanding why Byungjoo was being so forgiving. He hated himself. Why didn't Byungjoo hate him too? "I kissed Hansol's girlfriend."

"You what?"

Jiho winced at the change of tone in his brothers voice. "I- Well- She kissed me but I- I kissed her back and then- I- I dunno, I- I realised and-"

He couldn't continue. Why was this making him cry harder than what had just happened? Maybe because that didn't seem real yet, it hadn't sunk in. But he had cheated- Hansol's girlfriend had cheated on him with his own brother. After everything that had happened with their parents.

"Maybe it was karma."

Hansol believed in all that. Karma. Being held accountable for your own actions. It seemed more than coincidental that all of this had happened in one night. Maybe that's what it was. Maybe he deser-

"Stop it. You didn't deserve this." Jiho's breath hitched, sometimes he was sure Byungjoo could read his mind. He couldn't seem to read it back, though. Byungjoo seemed so sad lately and he couldn't figure out why.

"No one deserves that."

Jiho tensed up, Austins voice suddenly ringing in his head.

_'You're so much cuter than your brother.'_

_'I know all about your family'_

_'Dongsung used to pretend he didn't like it either.'_

"Dongsung."

Byungjoo's eyebrows furrowed as Jiho sat up with a start, gasping out their older brothers name. Dongsung? What did he have to do with this? It's not like he could come and pick them up, he wasn't old enough to drive.

"Austin- H-he-" Jiho pulled his knees up to his chest, sobs wracking through his body. This couldn't have happened to Dongsung too, surely. He was so upbeat, the one that always cheered the rest of them up, the one that stuck up for them all.

"He what?" Byungjoo sat up too, arm tentatively snaking around the younger's shoulders, not wanting to startle him.

"He talked about Dongsung. I-" Jiho took a shuddering breath, leaning into Byungjoo's side. "I think he did it to him too."

"D-Dongsung? He-?" Byungjoo knew Dongsung had had problems with bullying in the past, but...he had never imagined anything like this. "Are you sure?"

"No...I- I dunno, he- He said Dongsung used to pretend he didn't like it too."

Byungjoo swallowed, thickly, a wave of nausea overcoming him. This wasn't happening. None of this could possibly be real. First Jiho was assaulted and now Dongsung?

"We need to get out of here."

"But we have no phone or anything."

"Someone here is bound to have an iPhone charger, I'll just go look around an-"

"Please don't leave me."

Byungjoo's heart dropped as Jiho's voice wavered. He had never seen his brother this scared before, he usually put on such a front.

"Jiji," he started, sitting on the edge of the bed so he could take Jiho's hand in his own, "I won't be long, I swear. Just lock the door behind me when I go. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you. I promise."

Jiho wiped his eyes, staring into Byungjoo's ever so slightly lighter ones. He meant it. There was no way his brother would abandon him. He was just worried that something would happen to Byungjoo, then that would be all his fault too.

"O-okay, just...just be safe, yeah?"

 

⊶◬⊷

  

Hojoon needed some fresh air. He needed to get out of there. Just for a bit.

He walked down to the end of the street for a cigarette, not wanting to do it anywhere near the house. It was an old habit that he couldn't quite seem to drop. He had completely quit around the time he and Sangdo first got married, but all the hassle with the separation made him crave nicotine again.

He lit up, inhaling deeply. Fuck, that was exactly what he needed to help clear his head. Sangdo couldn't take Sangwon away from him. His kids were all he had. Was Sangwon really that unhappy here? He knew it had been difficult since Sangdo left, that Hojoon's time had been stretched almost to breaking point between the eleven of them, but he was trying his best.

He flicked the ash off the end of the cigarette, trying to force the lump in his throat away. He should really get back and put on a brave face. He didn't exactly want to talk to Sangdo, though. He would rather just pretend this wasn't happening.

"Dad?"

Hojoon's head snapped up as a petite blonde approached him, fumbling with the cigarette to try and hide it.

"Hansol, what are you doing out here? It's dark."

"I came to see how you were." Hansol sat down on the wall next to his father. "You don't have to pretend you don't smoke around me, Daddy. I'm used to it, I share a room with taeyang." He laughed softly, resting his head on Hojoon's shoulder.

Hojoon hummed. He really wished taeyang didn't smoke, but he couldn't exactly tell his eldest off when he did too.

"I'm okay, baby." Hojoon stubbed the cigarette out, he really shouldn't be smoking near his kids, especially not Hansol, the last thing he wanted was the fifteen-year-old ending up back in hospital.

Hansol had Agammaglobulinemia, an immunodeficiency disorder which meant the boy got sick. Really sick. A lot. Just a few months ago Hansol had developed pneumonia which landed him in hospital.

There was nothing Hojoon hated more than seeing Hansol in hospital, it brought back all of those memories of his son at just a couple of days old, weighing barely 2lbs and fighting for his life. All of those tubes sticking out of him. Not being able to hold or kiss him. The fear that he may never have been able to hold or kiss him. The fear that they were going to lose their baby after finally finding a surrogate to carry for them. To this day it still terrified him.

"What happened to your hand?" Hansol gasped, taking Hojoon's hand in his own. He had cleaned the cut up earlier and it had stopped bleeding, but it still stung little.

"I just dropped a glass, it's nothing."

He loved how much Hansol wanted to protect him. He had been like this ever since everything fell apart with Sangdo. He just wanted his Dad to be happy again, like he used to be.

"Why do you keep letting him do this?" Hansol's voice was quiet as he played with his father's fingers. Holding hands had always calmed him for some reason.

"Do what?"

"Make you sad." Hansol's eyes raised to meet Hojoon's. They were so big Hojoon felt like he could get lost in them if he looked for too long. "Every time you see him you look like you want to cry."

Hojoon's breath shuddered. Honestly, he hated how well Hansol could read him. He could pretend he was alright in front of the rest of his kids, put on a mask for them so as not to upset them any further. But it didn't work with Hansol. No matter how good Hojoon was at faking it Hansol could always see straight through him.

"Sangwon wants to leave."

"He what?"

"Your Appa told me before." Hojoon started to well up again. "He said Sangwon wants to go live with him and Mina."

Hansol's breath hitched, looking up at his father. It was something Sangwon had mentioned to him before, but he didn't think his younger brother was serious.

He and Sangwon talked a lot, they had something in common being the only two brothers that weren't adopted. But Sangwon seemed to see that differently to Hansol.

"Do you think it's because Sangdo's his biological father?"

Hansol's fingers tightened around Hojoon's at how small his voice was. He really hated seeing him like this.

_"I miss Appa."_

_"I know you do, Sangwonnie, we all do." Hansol brushed dye through his younger brothers hair. No doubt their Dad was going to kick off. Sangwon was only twelve, probably too young to be changing his hair colour, but he would look cute. Hansol knew he would._

_"It's not the same for you though. He's not your real Appa."_

_Hansol faltered. **Real Appa?** Just because Sangdo wasn't his, or any of their other brothers biological father didn't mean he wasn't their real father. He had raised and looked after them. Biology had nothing to do with it. They were a family regardless._

_"Of course he is, Sangwonnie."_

_"No. Hojoon is yours. Appa is mine."_

_Hansol's heart tightened as his brother used their Dad's real name. It was usually only Sehyuk that did that. He didn't even know how to respond, opting to stay quiet instead. This all seemed so sudden. Sangwon had always been close to both of their parents, maybe even more so to Hojoon. Hansol had no idea where this sudden divide came from._

_"I wish I lived with Appa instead."_

_"Sangwon!" Hansol hissed, nudging his younger brother. "Don't ever say that near Dad, it would break his heart."_

Hansol breathed in through his nose, deeply. He knew fine well that was why Sangwon wanted to leave, but there was no way he could tell Hojoon that. Even though he was the son, he felt the need to protect his father. He had been through so much in the past couple of years, Hansol just wanted him to smile again

"Maybe it's just a teen rebellion thing. He'd be back within a few days once he realised Appa would still never be there." Hansol settled his head back onto Hojoon's shoulder, his father wrapping an arm around his slight frame.

"Maybe." Hojoon muttered, pressing a soft kiss to Hansol's hair. Sometimes it felt so obvious that Hansol was his biological son, the blonde seemed so in tune with his emotions.

"Do you ever regret not telling him about what Appa did?"

Hojoon had never actually told any of the kids that their other father had an affair, as such. The older boys figured it out themselves. No matter how much their tried to keep their arguments on the down-low, it was almost impossible to keep anything a secret in a house with eleven nosy boys. Sangwon and Sanggyun still had no idea, as far as Hojoon was aware. They were only eight at the time, it wasn't exactly the kind of conversation either of them ever wanted to have with a couple of kids. The rest of the boys found out eventually, one way or another, but they had all tried to protect the two youngest members of the family as much as possible.

"Maybe then he'd stay."

Hojoon sighed, nuzzling into Hansol's platinum hair. He would be lying if he said he had never thought about it. Sangwon seemed to resent him for driving his Appa away, or at least that's how he saw it. Hojoon was still being pinned as the bad guy. But he couldn't do that to Sangwon, he couldn't destroy his youngest's relationship with his father.

"I don't want to ruin anything for him."

Hansol understood that. Hojoon had always been selfless when it came to his kids, putting their happiness before his own, staying with Sangdo even though he was more than certain his husband was cheating on him. But Sangwon was thirteen now, he was old enough to make his own decisions.

"Don't you think he has a right to know?" Hansol snuggled closer into his father's side. It was almost October, why didn't he wear a coat? "Dad, he cheated on you. He's not who any of us thought he was. Don't you think Sangwon deserves to know that?"

Hojoon had never really thought about it like that. They were lying to Sanggyun and Sangwon. They weren't doing it to protect the kids, they were doing it to protect Sangdo.

But he wasn't sure he could shatter Sangwon's illusion of his father. The last thing he wanted were more arguments, and no doubt he would still get the blame somehow.

"I don’t know what to do anymore, baby."

 

⊶◬⊷ 

 

Byungjoo had come back unscathed, as promised. His phone was on charge and they were one step closer to going home. It was a shame Byungjoo's battery was so shitty and took forever to charge though, ever since that time Sanggyun had spilled an entire 2 litre bottle of coke on his phone.

They'd be able to ring Sehyuk and be back home soon.

Until then they were laid on the double bed in silence, lights off so no one would come in and bother them. Byungjoo looked as if he had fallen asleep, but Jiho knew he hadn't. He could just tell. They were twins, after all.

"Joo?"

The elder grunted, signalling he was paying attention without having to open his eyes.

"Are you okay?"

That made them open. He glanced across, Jiho was laid on his side, staring directly at him, even in the dim lighting he could make out those dark eyes piercing into him. Shouldn't he be the one asking Jiho that?

"I'm fi-"

"Don't lie to me." Jiho cut him off before he even finished the syllable. "We're twins. I know when something's not right. Something's getting to you and if you don't tell me it's just going to get worse."

Byungjoo sighed, eyes starting to glass over. He knew exactly what Jiho was talking about and Jiho knew him better than anyone. Maybe better than he knew himself. But he was scared to tell him. Scared of losing him.

"I know you've been hurting yourself." Jiho grabbed Byungjoo's forearm, thumb ghosting over the soft material of his brothers sweatshirt. He knew where the marks were, he didn't have to pull Byungjoo's sleeve up to see them.

"How?" Byungjoo's voice was small, close to cracking.

"I just know when you're in pain. I think I feel it too. Sometimes my arms and chest sting. That's when I know you're doing it."

Byungjoo's breath hitched. Jiho felt it too? He must do. How else would he know about the cuts on his chest? It was possible that Jiho could have caught a glimpse of the scarred tissue of his arms, but he would never have seen Byungjoo's chest. He didn't even get ready in their bedroom anymore.

"I don't like the idea of you being sad, Joo. Just tell me what's going on."

The tears were falling now. He couldn't stop them. He didn't even try. He missed Jiho, they weren't as close anymore and he hated it. But he was scared this would just push his brother away even more. Especially after what he had just been through. His problems were nothing compared to being sexually assaulted.

"What if it makes you hate me? I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose any of you."

"I could never hate you. Yeah, you're annoying, and you never keep your side of the room tidy." Jiho smirked, lacing his fingers with Byungjoo's. "But... You saved me, Joo. I love you. No matter what."

Byungjoo's eyes flickered down to where his and Jiho's fingers were tangled. If he was going to tell anyone it should be Jiho. He would understand. He truly believed his twin wouldn't turn against him.

Or at least he hoped.

He took a deep breath in. He had never even said it aloud.

"Sometimes..." He shut his eyes so he didn't have to look at Jiho. Didn't have to see his reaction. "Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong body."

Jiho's eyebrows furrowed. Byungjoo had always been self conscious; about his height, that he wasn't as built as some of their older brothers. But he didn't think that it was affecting him to this extent

"What do you mean?"

"I-I think..." Byungjoo was shaking. He had no idea why. This was Jiho. His twin. His other half. "I think maybe I should have been born a girl. I think I'm transgender."

Jiho faltered. Did Byungjoo just say...?

He had always been so uncomfortable with how feminine Jiho was, especially when they were younger. He had stopped dancing because it was _too girly_. He had gone out of his way to act manly like Hyunho and Sehyuk, to gain a more masculine physique.

This was the last thing he expected.

"But...you always made made fun of me for wearing dresses when I did pageants."

Byungjoo avoided Jiho's gaze. He knew this would come up. When he was younger he was dead set against anything vaguely feminine. He didn't know why at the time, but looking back he was pretty sure it was because he was confused. How was a four-year-old meant to understand gender dysphoria? He had just wanted to be normal. Be a normal boy. Like normal boy things.

But, now he knew that just wasn't him. He wasn't a normal boy. Because he wasn't a boy.

"I guess i-it was a self loathing thing. I was just a kid, Jiho, I didn't know what was going on with me. I still don't. Not fully. I just know this isn't me, and I'm really scared."

Jiho's heart wrenched as the silent tears turned into hushed sobs. Byungjoo crying always resulted in him crying. Always. He cursed himself as tears began to roll down his own cheeks, pulling the elder into his chest.

This wasn't what he had expected at all. He thought maybe Byungjoo was being bullied or maybe he had some kind of mental illness. It never even crossed his mind that his brother was transgender.

It was a lot to take in, but he knew the sobbing bundle in his arms was having a much worse time with this than he ever would be.

He hated that Byungjoo had kept this from him for so long, that he was suffering alone. But at least he knew now, he knew why Byungjoo locked himself up in their room, why he didn't go out much, why he always wore oversized shirts that cloaked his body shape.

In his mind he couldn't stop using the words  _'he'_ and _'brother'_. It was a force of habit. Byungjoo had been his brother for fourteen years. His twin brother.

But now he had a twin sister? He wasn't really sure how all of this worked. How he was meant to approach the situation, change his language and behaviour. How he could help.

He let his eyes fall shut as he rocked Byungjoo back and forth gently, just like when they were younger and Byungjoo would wake up from a nightmare and crawl into Jiho's bed.

He almost felt like he was losing his brother. Like the person in his arms was someone completely different.

But...did it really matter?

Did it make a difference if he had a sister instead of a brother? Did it make a difference if Byungjoo chose to wear makeup and dresses? If Byungjoo preferred the terms she and her?

This was still Byungjoo. If anything, this was more Byungjoo than anyone else. This was the real Byungjoo. He...She was opening up and letting Jiho into something that had been bothering her for ages. Showing Jiho her true self.

"Can you not tell anyone?" Byungjoo's voice was muffled as she spoke into Jiho's shirt. "I don't want people to know yet. Just you."

Jiho wrapped his arms even tighter around Byungjoo's shoulders, wanting to protect the elder, just like Byungjoo had protected him earlier. He wasn't even sure what from, though. He wondered how everyone else would take this. There was absolutely no female influence in their house. It's not like everything around them was hyper-masculine, but he wondered if that's why Byungjoo had been keeping this secret for so long. Living in a house with eleven guys must be difficult if you're struggling with your gender identity.

He drew back, hands either side of Byungjoo's cheeks, thumbing away the trail of tears. He really hated seeing Byungjoo cry. Especially not twice in one night.

"You have to talk to them sometime, Joo." He didn't even know if Byungjoo would want to be called that anymore. "You know Daddy and Appa will love you no matter what."

Byungjoo nodded. Honestly, she knew that. It was the saying it aloud part that was difficult. The admission. Though, after telling Jiho she was sure she would at least be able to tell her parents at some point. Or Hansol. Hansol would probably understand.

"But if you want me to keep this a secret I will." Jiho smiled, in turn making Byungjoo smile. The younger twins flawless grin had always been infectious. "You know I'd do anything for my twin sister, especially after she just beat someone up for me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> havdbajsh trans!Joo was the reason I even started writing decennio it was just this random headcannon that came out of no where when I was thinking about them as teens and HERE SHE IS  
> Apologies in advance if the who pronoun situation gets a little confusing with her but,,,,I'm still gonna use she/her now that she's came out even if Jiho is the only one that knows atm


	6. Dead Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I wasn't planning on posting this yet but S O M E O N E (luna, it was luna) got me all soft abt the kids and I missed them,,,well not this chapter,,,you'll see
> 
> :)
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER  
> none??? for once??? i don't think???

Hojoon retreated back to his room. Sangdo and _that woman_ were still downstairs with most of the kids, they seemed pretty happy and he didn't want to encroach on that. He didn't want to see how happy they were either. He wanted his kids to be happy no matter what, but that didn't mean he wanted to watch Sangdo and _her_ take them away from him. He couldn't believe Sangwon would want to leave. His kids were everything to him, all he had left. What would he do without his baby Sangwonnie? 

He occupied himself with tidying up his bedroom, or rather re-tidying, considering it wasn't a mess. But he needed something to take his mind off what was going on downstairs. 

He wondered where Jiho was, he hadn't seen the sulking teenager for a while. Probably in his room with Byungjoo. He should really check on the twins, actually. 

He turned to leave as the door opened, Sangdo stepping into what used to be their shared room and shutting the door behind him. 

"We need to talk."

Hojoon's lips formed a tight straight line. This was the last thing he needed. 

"What is there to talk about?"

"Sangwon."

"He's not leaving." Hojoon internally scalded himself for sounding like a bratty thirteen-year-old himself. 

"You can't really stop him, Hojoon, I’m his father too."

"I have physical custody of the kids, Sangdo. That's what we agreed."

"So, he doesn't get a say in who he wants to live with? We can go through all of the proper legal channels, Hojoon, but this is what he wants."

"How are you going to look after him, Sangdo? You're never home. You can't just leave a thirteen-year-old to fend for himself. And don't you _dare_ say _she's_ going to look after him. Over my dead fucking body."

"She has a name, Hojoon." Hojoon sucked on the inside of his cheek, folding his arms across his chest as he huffed. He knew he was being childish, but he honestly didn't care. There was no way Sangwon was being raised by the woman that tore their family apart. "Anyway, I'm leaving the firm and starting my own. I won't have to be away as much."

Hojoon's jaw dropped. Was Sangdo being serious? Hojoon had said that for _years_ , that he should leave so he could spend more time at home, and he was choosing to do that _after_ their relationship went to shit? 

"So, you'll do that for _her_ but not for _me?_ " Hojoon laughed bitterly, hands raking through his caramel hair. This was something else, a whole new level of bullshit from his ex-husband.

"I'm doing this for the kids, Hojoon." Sangdo took a couple of steps further into the room, just inches from the elder. "For _us_."

"Us?" Hojoon's eyebrows shot up under his hair. "There is no _us!_ You made damn sure of that."

"Hojoon, listen-"

"No! Sangdo I'm sick of listening to your bullshit!" The tears were starting to surface _again_. This was getting old. "I'm sick of lying for you and crying over you. You could have done this years ago and we migh-"

He was cut off as Sangdo's lips came crashing down on his, muffled protests ignored as the younger wrapped his arms around Hojoon's slim waist, pulling him close. 

He didn't want to kiss Sangdo. The man that had cheated on him. The man that had lied to him over and over. The man that had thrown away twenty-six years and an amazing family for a younger model. 

But here he was. Kissing Sangdo. 

He knew he shouldn't. He _really_ shouldn't. But he couldn't help himself. His fingers found their way into dark hair as he deepened the kiss. _Holy fuck_. He really fucking missed this. He missed those lips. That taste. That smell. That feeling of being completely safe in the arms of the man he loved. 

He whimpered softly as he found himself pushed back against the wall, Sangdo's lips making their way down his neck, arching into the lawyers touch. 

"Ah- Sangdo." He whined as the younger teeth grazed against the soft skin of his neck, clearly remembering all of Hojoon's most sensitive spots. His eyes fluttered shut, mouth falling open, gentle moans spilling over his lips as Sangdo moved against him, hips pressing up against Hojoon's. 

He couldn't remember the last time he had been touched like this. He hadn't really dated anyone after Sangdo. He had had a couple of one night stands, but honestly he always ended up feeling guilty about leaving his kids at home with their grandparents while he went out to fuck a guy he barely knew in an attempt to help get over his ex-husband. He knew it would never work anyway. 

"Sangdo, please." He whimpered, leg hooking around the back of the brunettes thigh, letting him know exactly what he wanted. 

He knew it was wrong. So, _so_ wrong. But right now he didn't care. He needed this. He needed Sangdo. He needed to remember what it felt like to be wanted. 

Sangdo smiled softly, emerging from Hojoon's neck. The sound of the elder pleading was like music to his ears.

He pressed a soft kiss to Hojoon's lips, followed by another as he unbuttoned the blonde’s jeans, shimmying them down just enough to hoist the smaller man up, Hojoon instinctively wrapping his legs around Sangdo's waist. 

This had always been Hojoon's favourite position. It was the perfect mixture of rough and romantic. Sangdo could fuck into him as hard as he wanted with the wall to support him, all the while staring deep into Hojoon's eyes. Feverish kisses, gasps of more, how Sangdo managed to hold him with such ease, the dull ache he'd get in his shoulder blades the next day. Hojoon loved everything about it. 

He groaned, maybe a little too loudly, as Sangdo slipped a spit-slicked finger in him, a string of swear words following. It had been _way_ too long since he'd done anything like this. But he knew Sangdo would look after him, even after everything. 

Three fingers deep and he was starting to get impatient. He wanted Sangdo and he wanted him _now_. It had been well over four years since they last slept together, he had waited long enough. 

"God, just fuck me already." He wrapped his arms around the back of Sangdo's neck, pulling him into a sloppy open mouthed kiss, hips rutting against the brunettes to spur him on. 

Sangdo moaned into Hojoon's mouth, chuckling softly at the fact the blonde was still as impatient as ever. It made his stomach twist that Hojoon still wanted him so badly, even if it was just a moment of blind passion. 

He pulled his hardened length out of his trousers, slicking it up with spit in a less than romantic fashion. 

"You ready?"

Hojoon nodded eagerly. He was more than ready. He was desperate for this. 

He bit down on his bottom lip as Sangdo pushed in, the last thing he needed was one of the kids hearing and walking in on him getting fucked up against a wall by his ex-husband. 

Hojoon gasped out a string of _'fuck's_ and _'oh my god's_ as Sangdo moved inside of him, open mouthed kisses being scattered along the column of his neck, dipping under his t-shirt to latch onto his collarbones. 

His head was spinning. What the fuck was he doing? He was currently pinned against a wall, in his mid-forties, being fucked into by the man that had broken his heart. No, strike that, the man who had ripped his heart out, stuck it in a blender and made a heart-flavoured smoothie out of it. Sangdo had completely ruined him. Shattered his trust. Hurt his kids. Thrown away everything they had worked so hard for. 

The man that had vowed to love him and stay faithful for the rest of their lives, no matter what, not only once but twice. The very same man who was planning on making those same vows to the woman who had come between them, stole his husband. The woman who was currently sat in his living room playing happy families with _his_ children. 

His family was falling apart. Taeyang was barely eating. Yoonchul and Byungjoo rarely left their rooms. He was pretty sure Sehyuk hated him. Sangwon wanted to leave. And he was upstairs being fucked senseless by the man who had caused it all. 

Everything about this was wrong. 

But it felt _so_ right. 

He felt complete with Sangdo inside of him. This was how things were meant to be. They were _meant_ to be together. They always had been. How did it all go so wrong? They were _so_ in love. 

Hojoon still was. 

"Babe, I'm so close." Sangdo's voice was thin with arousal, hips beginning to lose their rhythm as he came undone. The pet name he had always used for the elder made Hojoon's chest tighten, heat pooling in his stomach. He was close too.

"Call me that again." He knew he probably sounded pathetic, but he needed to hear it. He needed to feel like Sangdo still cared about him, even if it was just because he was getting off. 

"Babe." Sangdo smirked, catching Hojoon's lips in another kiss as he intertwined their fingers, unwrapping Hojoon's arms from around the back of his neck to pin them against the wall. "Come for me, baby."

That was all he needed, screaming Sangdo's name way louder than he should have as he reached his orgasm. His mind clouded over as Sangdo continued to rut into him, body going into overdrive as his ex-husband chased his own climax. 

It wasn't long until Sangdo was coming inside of him, body flush against Hojoon's as their heavy breathing synchronised, chests rising and falling in tandem. 

"God, I love you so fucking much." Sangdo breathed out, leaving a lazy trail of kisses across Hojoon's cheeks. 

Hojoon's breath hitched, reality of what they had just done crashing down on him as the pleasure dissipated. He had just has sex with his ex-husband. His ex-husband who had cheated on him. His ex-husband who's fiancé was sat downstairs. He was no better than she was. He had done the exact same thing. He was everything he hated. 

But...Sangdo said he loved him. 

He unwrapped his legs from around Sangdo's waist, signalling that he wanted down. He couldn't even look at the brunette. His head was a mess. 

"I need to go check on the twins." He mumbled, tucking himself back into his jeans and pulling them up. What the fuck had he just done? 

"Hojoon wait!" Sangdo dived in front of him after sorting himself out. "Did you not just hear what I said?"

He didn't react. How could he? What could he possibly say to that? 

"Hojoon, please. I know you still feel the same." Sangdo's eyes were glassy, he was desperate. They had spent too long apart, too long hurting each other. It was Hojoon he wanted. It was _always_ Hojoon. He had just lost sight of that for a while. He was stupid, greedy even. But it was Hojoon that he thought about every night before he went to sleep and every morning when he woke up. It was Hojoon he wanted to cuddle in his arms until they fell asleep with some shitty movie playing away to itself in the background. It was Hojoon he wanted to kiss and whisper sweet nothings to as they lay in on a Sunday morning. It was Hojoon he wanted to treat and take out for date nights and make love to. 

It was always Hojoon. 

It would always be Hojoon. 

"Hojoon, I never stopped loving you."

Hojoon felt his face crumple. He was fucking crying _again_. Why was Sangdo always making him cry? 

"Babe, just remember the good times." Sangdo placed his hands on Hojoon's cheeks, thumbing the tears away as he urged the blonde to look at him. "When we took the kids to Disneyworld, all those Christmases and birthdays and anniversaries together, our weddings. We were so in love, baby. We can go back to that. Just give me another chance. I'll never hurt you again, I promise."

Hojoon's breath was shaky as he looked up at Sangdo through teary eyes. The brunettes were just as watery. He truly believed that Sangdo meant everything he said. Despite everything, he believed that the younger still loved him. 

All he wanted was things to go back to how they used to be, when the kids were really young. When they were still madly in love, when Sangdo wasn't always working away, when they were a real family. 

But could they go back to that? Hadn't the damage already been done? And Sangdo was engaged to someone else now. He had asked for someone else's hand in marriage. 

"What about Mina?"

"I don't love her, Joon." Sangdo took a deep breath in, trying to suppress the knot that was building up in his throat. "I just...I made a mistake. A really big, stupid mistake. And after you broke it off I just...I dunno I didn't know what to do so I stayed with her and... It’s a fucking mess. I don't even love her."

"A mess?" That was a fucking understatement. Hojoon's life had been hell for over four years all because of Sangdo and that big, stupid mistake. "That's all you have to say? That this is a mess? That... That you made a mistake?"

Hojoon pulled away from Sangdo’s touch, anger flaring up inside of him. How could Sangdo be so nonchalant about all of this? Why was he here, after four years, saying he wanted Hojoon back? 

"How can you say you never stopped loving me? Stop with all the lies, Sangdo! You wouldn't have done all of this if you loved me. Do-do you even know how much you-" He took a deep shuddering breath, memories of the desperation resurfacing. He hated this. He hated Sangdo. He hated crying. 

"You fucking ruined everything, just for a _little mistake_?" 

He could barely catch his breath, sobs wracking through his body as he lunged towards his ex-husband, fists pounding into the younger's chest as he broke down all over again. He wished he had the energy to physically hurt Sangdo, to cause him as much pain as Hojoon had felt these past four years, but he couldn't. The blows to the brunette’s chest were feeble; chants of _'I hate you'_ didn't have much of a sting due to the wavering of his voice. 

He didn't even protest when Sangdo wrapped a pair of strong arms around him, pressing soft kisses to blonde hair in an attempt to calm him down. He didn't want it to work, but it did. Of course it did. He had never fell out of love with Sangdo. Sure, he resented him, couldn't even look at him, hated him at times. But he just couldn't let go of those feelings. 

Sangdo was the only man that had ever made him feel wanted, the only one that ever truly loved him. Others may have pretended to, just to get what they wanted out of him, but Sangdo was never like that. He treated Hojoon like he was something precious, made him believe in himself, never once judged him. 

Hojoon couldn't get enough of Sangdo when they were in university. Sure, he had played hard to get, made Sangdo work for it, but he knew there was no way he would let the younger slip through his fingers. They moved in together at twenty-one, after Hojoon had finished his degree. Sangdo still had his Masters to complete, but they felt like real adults in a real adult relationship. And it was perfect. They would get the bus into town together; Hojoon would go off to work and Sangdo to university. They would meet up for lunch, go home together, make love all night. It was perfect. It really was. 

And then Sangdo proposed. 

_The two of them were laid on a picnic blanket in their back garden. It was the end of the month and they couldn't really afford to go out to a restaurant for a proper date, so pizza under the stars would have to do._

_Hojoon hummed contently, head lulling to the side to look at his boyfriend of five years. Sometimes he still found it hard to believe that anyone would put up with him this long. He laughed softly, noticing that Sangdo was staring directly at him._

_"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"_

_"Because you're beautiful."_

_"Shut up." Hojoon giggled, hitting the younger lightly on the chest. "You're so gross."_

_"I'm not. It's true." Sangdo shuffled a little closer, their noses millimetres apart. "You're the most gorgeous person I've ever seen. You're prefect. I mean, yeah, you're a complete bitch, but I even love that about you."_

_Hojoon scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Wow, thanks babe."_

_"I went to see your parents yesterday."_

_Hojoon tilted his head at the sudden change of topic. Why would Sangdo go see his parents on his own? That was weird._

_"Why?"_

_"To ask for their permission to marry you."_

_Hojoon's eyes widened. Did he just say... marry?_

_"You...what?"_

_Sangdo smiled softly as how breathy Hojoon's voice was. He knew it wasn't the most extravagant proposal in history, but he couldn't even afford to take his boyfriend out to dinner right now, never mind a plane to write a proposal in the sky. He still managed to take Hojoon's breath away, though._

_"They said yes, so..." Sangdo took Hojoon's left hand in his own. "Hojoon Jeon, will you marry me?"_

_Hojoon's jaw dropped. Was this real? Sangdo...Sangdo wanted them to spend the rest of their lives together? He- He wanted Hojoon to be his husband? Of course he had thought of marriage, but those negative voices that had plagued him when he was a teenager told him over and over that it would never happen. That no one would ever want to marry him._

_But here was Sangdo staring back at him with hopeful eyes, waiting for him to say yes._

_"...Well?"_

_"Yes!" Hojoon leapt forwards, arms wrapping around his boyfriends, well, fiancés, shoulders. "Of course I will! I would fucking love to marry you!"_

_Sangdo laughed at the response. It was so typically Hojoon. He caught the elder in a deep kiss, the two of them rolling around the picnic blanket, lips colliding between ecstatic giggles._

_"I'm sorry I can't afford a ring right now, but I promise I'll get-"_

_"I don't need a ring." Hojoon stopped him before he could even finish his sentence. "We can put the money towards the wedding instead. I don't need a diamond to prove you love me. I know you do."_

A year later they said their vows in a tiny rented out room. It was far from what either of them had ever pictured their wedding to be, but it didn't matter. It wasn't about theatrics and showing off and getting in debt over a glorified party. It was about them, about their love for one another. 

Then came the talk of children. Hojoon had always wanted a big family; he loved kids and couldn't wait to have his own. This didn't come as a shock to Sangdo now they were married, it was something they had talked about in the past, and he felt exactly the same. 

They scraped together as much money as they could, the two of them working overtime to add to their savings. Sangdo was lucky enough to get accepted at a much higher paying firm just before their first surrogate baby was due, putting them in a much better financial position. 

Hojoon spent all of his spare time decorating their spare room to create the perfect nursery, picking out tiny dresses and little knitted booties and hats for their new arrival. They trawled through baby name books, never quite being able to decide on the perfect name for their baby girl. 

Hojoon could still remember the panic of hearing their surrogate had went into labour, a couple of days early. The panic that they needed to get to the hospital right now, that they weren't prepared and they were going to be terrible parents. They still hadn't even settled on a name. 

But it didn't matter. 

Because Hojoon could still remember the feeling of his world falling apart as their baby girl lay still in his arms. She didn't even get to take her first breath. She would never know that they were going to give her the best life imaginable, love her more than anything. 

If anything should have broken them, it should have been that. Hojoon didn't leave the house for weeks, while Sangdo did the opposite, immersed himself in work so he wouldn’t have to think about her. 

They tried again. Their second surrogate didn't manage to conceive, while the third didn't make it past the second trimester and the fourth pulled out at the last minute. It seemed hopeless, three years of failed IVF treatments and surrogacies and they had nothing to show for it. They weren't destined to be parents. 

That's when Sangdo began to look into other avenues; adoption. They didn't need to be related to their kids to love them. Maybe that was the better option for them. 

Hojoon wasn't so sure, he had had his heart set on having a mini version of himself since he was in his teens, but he agreed to foster a child while they were saving up to go through yet another surrogacy. Sangdo wasn't worried about the monetary aspect of the treatment, more the emotional. He wasn't sure Hojoon could go through losing another baby.  

But when Taeyang came into their lives everything seemed to change. Hojoon realised Sangdo was right, that biology had nothing to do with it. Taeyang was everything to him, and the thought that their time with him may only be short lived and one day he'd have to go back to his biological parents killed him. 

So they gave IVF one more shot. 

Everything seemed to be going perfectly. Taeyang’s adoption had just been finalised, he was theirs. They finally had a child of their own. A little 18-month old baby to love and care for. One who might not have had such a great life if it wasn't for them. 

Then everything fell apart within just a couple of days when their surrogate went into labour. Three months early. This couldn't be happening again. There's no way their baby was going to make it. He couldn't hold another lifeless baby in his arms. 

But he never had to, because Hansol was a fighter. He made it. He was tiny, but he made it. And just like that everything fell back into place. They had two healthy little boys and they couldn't be happier. 

But they couldn't leave it like that. There were so many other kids out there just like Taeyang that needed families. Needed someone to love them. 

So along came Hyosang, then Sehyuk, then Sangwon was born without any complications. That was definitely going to be their last go at surrogacy, they had decided. Having kids related to them was nice, but it's not like they loved Hansol and Sangwon any more than the ones they had adopted. Next came Dongsung and Sanggyun, then Yoonchul, Hyunho and finally the twins. 

Sure, Hojoon had always wanted a big family, but he had never expected ending up with eleven boys. 

He wouldn't change a single one of them for the world, though. He finally had everything he wanted; a huge family, a loving husband. Everything was prefect, it really was. They had even renewed their vows in front of all of the boys. 

Then it all fell apart. 

But...maybe this was their chance to get back what they had. He missed Sangdo, he really did. He was the father of his children, the love of his life, his best friend. He would do anything to go back to how the used to be. 

But everything was different now. Was he being naive thinking about letting Sangdo back into his life? Was he just blinded by this love he had tried to forget? Was his head still messed up from the sex? And how would this affect the kids? Could he really mess them around like that?

But...he deserved to be happy. Right? And Sangdo made him happy once upon a time. For a long time. Really, _really_ happy. 

"I still love you too."


	7. Moving Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i wasn't going to update this again so soon but it's only a lil 3k chapter and ITS SANGWONS ACTUAL BIRTHDAY AND SINCE THIS IS CENTRED AROUND HIS BIRTHDAY HOW COULD I NOT HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY YOUNGEST SON (i'd turn up to your bday on time bb don't worry)
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER:  
> none?? again?? whats wrong w me??

Taeyang hated everything about this. The loud music. The crowds. The people that were here. The fact they all knew who he was and they all probably hated him. 

He avoided talking to most people in his year, at his school in general, apart from his brothers, and being here almost made him glad he had no friends. 

He stuck close behind Sehyuk as his brother charged through the mass of drunken people, scanning the passage ways and rooms for the twins. Why was this place so full, anyway? Didn't people have anything better to do?

"Where the fuck are they?" He muttered under his breath, just loud enough for Sehyuk to hear. He tried ringing them again; Byungjoo's phone went straight to voicemail and Jiho's just kept ringing. Which was weird, really weird, Jiho's phone was like an extra limb, he was never without it. 

"Maybe we should split up or something, this place is fucking huge."

Taeyang quirked an eyebrow. "Split up? This isn't Scooby Doo, Sehyuk. There's no way you're ditching me in this hell hole."

Sehyuk scoffed, whispering a _'pussy'_ under his breath that Taeyang couldn't help but pick up on. 

"There's no point in us losing each other too, we've already lost the twins can we just stick together? Please?"

Sehyuk thought about it for a second. He was pretty sure Taeyang would just slow him down or somehow manage to get himself into trouble and therefore Sehyuk into trouble but...he couldn't very well just leave his brother and risk him getting hurt too. No doubt he'd only come out looking like the bad guy in Hojoon's eyes. 

"Fine, come on." He took Taeyang by the wrist, dragging him upstairs. The twins had to be up there, they'd already checked all of the rooms that were filled with guests downstairs. 

Taeyang inwardly whined at the thought of his fourteen-year-old brothers being upstairs in some bedroom, drunk off their asses at a party they were way too young to be at. He knew that he wasn't like most teenagers, that he didn't really understand the need to rebel or even enjoy himself, really. He had bigger things on his mind; his family, exams, his eating disorder, his brothers. Parties and socialising weren't really on his radar, and he really wished it wasn't on Jiho and Byungjoo's either. Not for another couple of years, anyway. 

"Try ringing Jiho agai-" Sehyuk's sentence was cut off as he collided with another body, coming out of one of the room’s one much bigger than his. 

"What the fuck are you two doing here?"

Taeyang and Sehyuk groaned in tandem. Austin. Great. This asshole was the last thing they needed right now. He used to be in Taeyang's form class before moving schools. He had no idea why he left, but he wasn't exactly complaining.

Sehyuk straightened up, Austin may be taller than him, but he would be more than willing to defend himself and Taeyang if needs be. "We're looking for our brothers, so if you could get out of the way, that'd be great."

Austin seemed to flinch, Taeyang noticed. Had he seen them? 

"Do you know where they are?"

"You have like twenty brothers, how the fuck am I meant to know which ones you're talking about?" Austin scoffed, arms folding across his chest as he leaned up against the doorframe of the room he had emerged from before walking into Sehyuk. He wasn't making eye contact with either of them, which wasn't especially weird considering Austin didn't particularly like either of them, but Taeyang found it unsettling. It felt like he was lying to them. 

Taeyang rang Jiho again as Sehyuk made some smart-ass remark that would no doubt rile up a drunken idiot. Although, by the looks of his face, Austin hadn't won the last scrap he was in. 

"Do you know where they are or n-"

"Wait." Taeyang silenced his brother; partially to avoid a fight but mainly because he heard something. Was that- "That sounds like Jiho’s phone."

Sehyuk picked up on the ringtone. It was coming from...

"Move."

He pushed Austin out of the way, barging into the room he had been in before. Jiho's phone was definitely in here, somewhere. He could hear it. That fucking annoying ringto-

His froze, eyes focusing on something in the bed. 

"Why the fuck is my brother's jacket in here?" That was definitely Byungjoo's jacket; the one Jiho was wearing when he dropped the twins off. 

Austin stuttered, alcohol slowing his reactions, unable to think of a cover-up on the spot. 

"Where _the fuck_ are they?"

Sehyuk could tell something was wrong here, there's no way Jiho would just forget his phone, the device was practically attached to him, there must have been some reason for him to leave it. And he knew Austin had something to do with it. 

"I don't know."

" _Don't_ fucking lie to me. Where. Are. They?"

Taeyang flinched as Sehyuk threw Jiho’s jacket at him to catch, rolling his sleeves up, ready to fight. As much as he hated this Austin guy, and he was quite clearly lying to them, he didn't want Sehyuk getting in a fight. 

"Sehyuk, don-"

Taeyang didn't even need to warn his brother off as Austin backed up; not wanting to get his head caved in by yet another member of the Yu family. 

"Look, they were here before, but I don't know where they went, alright?" Austin held his hands up. It was technically the truth, he had no idea where the twins had went, but there was no way he was about to tell a very pissed off Sehyuk why they had taken off in the first place. 

"Fucks sake." Sehyuk hissed under his breath. He didn't know what had happened, but he also didn't like the idea of this guy even associating with his younger brothers. He had seen first hand what a dick Hyunho had turned into when they two of them were friends. "I swear to god if I ever see you near them again-"

"Joo?"

He turned at the sound of Taeyang's voice; the elder had his phone to his ear. Had Byungjoo finally answered? 

"Oh, thank fuck. Where are you?"

 

⊶◬⊷

 

"Sangwon!"

Sanggyun ran upstairs to look for his brother, he had no idea where the younger had gone and he wanted more cake, but Dongsung insisted he had to go ask Sangwon first. 

"Sangwon, do you wa-" His eyebrows furrowed as he entered the room. Sangwon was packing a bag full of clothes. "Are you going somewhere?"

"Appa's."

What? They never stayed at Appa's, there wasn't enough room at his and Mina's place for them all to go, or at least the ones that wanted to, so they never stayed the night. How come Sangwon was allowed to go?

"Thanks for inv." Sanggyun rolled his eyes. Where was his invitation?

"For good, Sanggyun." Sangwon turned to look at him. Even though he was the younger of the two Sangwon had always been the more mature one. His expressions mirrored that, despite his baby face. "I'm going to live with him."

Sanggyun’s face dropped. Sangwon was _leaving?_ He couldn't leave. Why would he want to leave? He had everything he could want here. Why would he want to be on his own at Appa's place?

"But why? Can you even do that?" Didn’t they have some kind of custody agreement that said all the kids would live here? 

"Dunno, don't care. I want a normal family. With a Mom and a Dad. Plus, you'll get a room all to yourself now." He joked, balling a couple of t-shirts up, too lazy to attempt to fold them. 

"Normal? Are you saying having two Dad's is abnormal?" Sanggyun was getting defensive. Dongsung was gay. So was their Dad. And their Appa...well, he wasn't actually sure anymore, he had never asked. It didn't really matter. He built a family with another man, Sanggyun was pretty sure he wouldn't want to hear Sangwon saying something like that. 

"Are you serious? You know how much people talk about us all at school, right? Normal families have two, maybe three, kids, a Mom and a Dad. Not...this."

"Since when have you cared about what anyone else thinks?" This was so unlike Sangwon, he usually couldn't give a shit  

But he did. He was sick of the comments at school. He was sick of people assuming he was gay just because his parents were. He was sick of being that kid with ten brothers. He just wanted to be normal. And more than anything he wanted to see his Appa again. 

"Whatever. I wanna go live with my _actual_ father."

Sanggyun's jaw dropped. What was Sangwon saying? That he was Sangdo's only real child because they were biologically related? And that Hansol was Hojoon's only real child for the same reason? What did that make the rest of them? Long term lodgers? 

"Why would you say that to me?"

Sangwon flinched at Sanggyun's tone. Maybe he said the wrong thing. He didn't know what it was like to be adopted, to be abandoned by the people that had brought them into this world. 

Sanggyun had always wondered about them, his biological mother and father. He knew absolutely nothing about either of them. When he was younger he didn't want to know. He had a real family now and that was all that mattered. But as he grew up he began to get curious. Naturally, he spoke to Dongsung about it. 

_"Dongsung, do you remember our biological parents?"_

_"I try not to."_

_He knew Dongsung never wanted to talk about them, but he wanted to know. He wanted to know where he came from._

_"Do you know why they gave us up?"_

_No answer._

_He hated when Dongsung ignored him. He knew there must have been a reason, a reason other than they didn't want kids. There was three years between the two of them; surely if they had never wanted kids at all they would have given up Dongsung straight away._

_"Did something happen?"_

_Still no response._

_"Do you ever think about finding them?"_

_"No. And I don't want you to, either." Dongsung's response was abrupt, as if he didn't want Sanggyun questioning him any further. But he couldn't help himself. Dongsung clearly knew something and wasn't telling him._

_"Why not? Maybe they regret giving us up."_

_"They don't. Even if they did, I wouldn't care. Dad and Appa are our parents, not them. Our lives are a lot better without them, Sanggyun, just trust me."_

And he did. He always trusted Dongsung. 

"You take him for granted; Dad. You don't know what it feels like to think no one wants you. I was only little when they took me in, so I don't really remember being in care, but Dongsung said it was awful. Like, he didn't know if we would ever be adopted, or if we would be split up. You've always had Dad _and_ Appa. He's always wanted you and you're just throwing it back in his face to go live with the man that cheated on him!"

Sangwon halted, a pair of socks he was packing falling out of his hands. Did Sanggyun just...

"Appa didn't cheat on Dad."

Sanggyun's jaw snapped shut. _Shit_. Dongsung had told him not to tell the younger. 

"He got with Mina after they broke up. Why the fuck would you say that Sanggyun!?" Sangwon closed in on him, squaring up in to his brother. 

_Fuck fuck fuck._ Sangwon was shorter than him, but he was slightly stockier, whereas Sanggyun was taller and slimmer. He really didn't want to get into a fight with his brother. 

"Because it's true, Sangwon." He directed his gaze down to his hands, where he anxiously fiddled with his fingers. "He got with Mina while he was still with Dad. He had an affair. He's the reason this family is falling apart."

Sangwon stepped back. That couldn't be right. They broke up because their Appa worked away so much. It was Hojoon that tore this family apart, Appa was just trying to provide for them. Right? 

But...

But why would Sanggyun lie? Sanggyun never lied to him. They were close. Really close. Maybe it was because he didn't want Sangwon to go. But he would never stoop as low to make up things about their Appa. Hyosang might, but Sanggyun wouldn't. 

"He...He wouldn't."

Sanggyun raised his gaze to meet his brothers, catlike eyes boring into Sangwon's lighter ones. "Ask him if you don't believe me."

 

⊶◬⊷

 

Jiho’s head was pounding. He leaned against the window of Sehyuk’s car, hoping the cool glass would help soothe it a little. He closed his eyes, the lamp posts flying past were making him nauseous. That and the smell of McDonald's. Sehyuk had insisted he and Byungjoo have something to eat to help sober them up before they got home but he wasn't sure he could stomach anything. 

"Does Dad know?"

"He hasn't rang or messaged any of us, so I guess not." That actually worried Taeyang, the fact he hadn't even noticed. Something must be going on for their Dad not to realise the four of them weren't in the house. 

"He's probably too busy dealing with Sangdo's shit anyway."

Taeyang shot Sehyuk a look before sighing. He was probably right. 

"He actually turned up?" Byungjoo scoffed, picking the gherkins from her burger to give to Jiho, urging him to eat something. She had never understood why her twin liked them. 

"At like 9 o'clock. He brought that bitch."

Sehyuk laughed softly, Taeyang didn't usually speak ill of anyone, not even Mina, but he could tell his brother couldn't stand her. He didn't exactly blame him. 

"That's shit." Byungjoo laced her fingers with Jiho's, who had practically fallen asleep in the back seat. Everything felt like it was falling apart instead of getting better. Surely things should heal over time, but their parents were so passive aggressive with one another it made that difficult. That and the fact it felt like their Appa was always lording his happiness and perfect new life over their Dad. 

The four of them drove in silence for a while, not really sure what to say. Talking about their parent’s relationship was difficult, they all felt differently about the situation, and about Hojoon and Sangdo as individuals. 

Sehyuk glanced up at the rear-view mirror, rolling his eyes affectionately as he realised both of the twins had nodded off. It was quite a journey from that kid’s house back to theirs, especially when they stopped off for food on the way. 

"There's some fries left if you want any." Sehyuk decided to try and break the silence. Only...he didn't really know what to talk to Taeyang about. 

"I'm fine." The elder took a drag of his cigarette, exhaling out of the open window so it didn't completely blow back in Jiho’s face. "Thanks."

"I thought you were getting better."

Taeyang shifted slightly in his seat. He and Sehyuk didn't do these kind of conversations. This felt weird. 

"I am. I'm just not hungry."

He looked in the wing mirror, smiling softly as Jiho napped against the back window. 

"Do you think they're okay? Jiho’s been weirdly quiet."

_"It must be this one! Byungjoo! Joo, open the door!" Taeyang had ran back downstairs, Sehyuk hot on his heels after Byungjoo finally picked up the phone, trying to explain where in the house they were._

_"Tae?" Byungjoo had cracked the door open, just a little to ensure it was him, sighing with relief when she saw the chestnut haired boy._

_She let Taeyang pull her into a tight hug, bracing herself for the scalding that was most likely about to come from their eldest brother. Honestly, Taeyang acted like a third parent most of the time._

_"Are you okay? Where's Jiho?"_

_"I'm here. We're fine." Jiho stood up off the bed, arms wrapped around himself. He clearly wasn't fine. Taeyang could see the dried tear tracks on his tanned skin, but this wasn't the situation to push anything. "Can we just go home?"_

"He's probably just drunk and not used to it or something." Sehyuk tried to reassure Taeyang, despite having the same sinking feeling in his stomach as his brother did. Something just seemed off. And he was pretty sure it was to do with that Austin kid. "Are you gonna tell Hojoon?"

Sehyuk knew how close Taeyang was to their Dad, and that if he ratted out the twins he would be in just as, if not more, trouble than his younger brothers. He was the teenage tearaway, after all. The bad influence. 

"No. We'll just make something up about wanting to get out of the house because of Appa or whatever." Taeyang was just glad they were both okay, and he wasn't going to get Sehyuk into trouble for the sake of it. They all had way too much going on already without them all getting shouted at. 

"I hope he's okay." Sehyuk sighed, stopping at a set of traffic lights. "Dad, I mean. He- I know I've given him a really hard time but...he doesn't deserve all of this."

Taeyang smiled to himself as Sehyuk's profile turned from red to amber to green. He knew how soft his brother could be deep down, that even if he acted like he didn't give a fuck about anything; he cared massively about his family. 

"You just called him Dad."

Sehyuk furrowed his eyebrows. Had he? Must have been a slip of the tongue. 

"Shut up. You know what I mean... I actually feel really bad for everything I've put him through. He already had enough going on, raising eleven kids alone while his husband fucked around with his secretary. It's bullshit. Sangdo ruined his life and I feel like I made it so much worse."

Taeyang hummed, not really knowing how to respond to that. Sehyuk was fairly closed off, to everyone, so he never expected the younger to vent about this to him, of all people. 

"You know he loves you, right? They both do."

"Yeah..." He did know that, on some level, it was just hard to believe it when he didn't really see eye to eye with either of his parents most of the time. "I dunno, it's just hard being part of this crazy fucking family."

Taeyang scoffed in agreement. "Tell me about it. We should have our own reality TV show or something, we'd make millions."

Sehyuk groaned at the thought. "Who would want to watch eleven teenage boys eating cereal and scratching their balls on a Saturday morning? All we do is eat and argue over what to watch on Netflix."

Taeyang laughed loudly, slapping his hand over his mouth so he didn't wake the twins. Maybe, on second thoughts a reality show wasn't the best idea. 

"Are we home yet?" Taeyang's laugh must have woken Jiho from his slumber. He didn't feel too drunk anymore, but he was pretty sure a hangover was kicking in. He just really wanted to get home and curl up in bed with at least a litre of water. This night had been way too fucking much. He just wanted to forget everything. And hopefully not run in to either Hansol or Dongsung. He definitely couldn't deal with that right now. 

"We're just a couple of streets away, kiddo."

Jiho groaned, fingers squeezing Byungjoo's. He wondered if it would be too weird to ask her to sleep in his bed with him tonight, considering.... 

He really hoped this wouldn't change anything between them. 

He smiled to himself as she squeezed back. Nothing was going to change. She was still his twin. 

Still his other half. 


	8. All Grown Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is just a little character sorry!!! but the next one should be the final omg 
> 
> (we'll see how carried away i get)

"Appa!" Sangwon burst into the living room, ready to confront his father. Sanggyun had to be lying.

He wasn't there, most of his brothers were, Mina was, but neither of his parents were.

"Sangwonnie what's wrong?" Hyunho jumped out of his seat as the tears started streaming down his face, pulling him into a hug. Sangwon had cried way too much on his birthday for Hyunho’s liking.

"San-Sanggyun h-he said-" Sangwon could barely get his words out as the sobs wracked through his body, burying his face in Hyunho's chest. "He said that Appa- he- he cheated on Daddy!"

He felt the way Hyunho tensed up around him, breath hitching around the room. Sangwon's eyes widened. Did that mean it was true? They all knew apart from him? It was Sangdo's fault their family was falling apart? And...

"Mina?" He emerged from Hyunho’s now damp t-shirt; to turn to the woman his father had been living with...the woman who split his parents up.

He could just about make out her swallowing thickly through his bleary eyes. Everything she had told him had been a lie. Everything Sangdo had told him had been a lie. He had blamed Hojoon for everything; spent years wishing his Appa would come back, when it was all his fault.

They all knew. They had all been lying to him.

He pulled back out of Hyunho's hold as if he had been scalded.

"How come everyone knew but me?" His voice was low, much too low for his age.

"We were trying to protect you, Sangwonnie." Dongsung stepped in, trying to calm the situation down. Sangwon had a temper, and so did Hyunho, the last thing he wanted was a screaming match between the two of them.

"From what?! You should have been protecting me from her." He spat out the word, pointing at the woman in the corner of the room, who honestly, seemed completely unphased by what was going on in front of her.

"Sangwonnie, you were only little when it happened, we didn't want to upset you." Hyosang placed a calming hand on his younger brother’s shoulder. He and Sehyuk had only told Taeyang and Hyunho when things first began to fall apart, not wanting to upset the younger kids. But they ended up finding out eventually in one way or another.

"Stop treating me like a baby! You all knew, even Sanggyun, and I didn't! Just because I'm the youngest doesn't mean I don't understand things! I'm not a little kid anymore!"

The rest of his brothers exchanged a look. He was right, he wasn't a kid anymore, he had the right to know what had happened between their parents.

Everything was falling apart. Again. His Appa wasn't who he thought he was. He had cheated on his Dad. And he was going to let Sangwon go live with him and the woman he had an affair with without even telling him?

His first response was to throw things. Anything he could get his hands on. He may not be a kid anymore but that didn't stop him from screaming and crying and throwing a tantrum like one. He knew he probably looked ridiculous, but he honestly didn't care.

How could his Appa do this?

"What the fuck's going on here?"

Sangwon stopped for a second to turn to the front door, where the voice had come from. Sehyuk was stood there with his arms crossed; Taeyang, Jiho and Byungjoo behind him.

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me what Appa did?" He headed straight for Taeyang. He was the oldest; surely it was his responsibility to tell him something as major as this.

Taeyang shrunk back into his jacket, wincing slightly at Sangwon's tone. He may be almost five years older than his youngest brother, but Sangwon was practically the same height as him, and he was definitely stronger.

"Sangwon, we-"

"Don't take this out on him." Sehyuk stepped in front of Taeyang for the second time that night. This had nothing to do with Taeyang being the oldest; he was the one that decided not to tell the younger kids, especially not Sangwon. "We knew how much he means to you, Sangwon; we didn't want to ruin your relationship with him."

Sangwon began crying again. This time they weren't angry tears, he was just plain devastated, falling forward into Sehyuk's chest. Sehyuk held his younger brother, rubbing soothing circles into his back. This was the last way he wanted Sangwon to find out. Especially not on his birthday.

His eyes flickered across the room, at all of his brothers who were wearing a similar expression of worry. Then to Mina. He hadn't been there for the entire interaction but he was sure the woman would never have apologised. Not after knowing the things she had said to Hojoon in the past.

"Get out. This is our home, you're not welcome here."

She laughed, blowing Sehyuk off. As if a sixteen-year-old kid was going to tell her what to do. "As long as Sangdo's here I'm going to be here."

"He said get out." Taeyang stepped up beside Sehyuk, taking back his role as the eldest. "So get the fuck out, or we'll fucking throw you out."

The eleven of them all glared at her; Sangwon still nestled into Sehyuk's chest, Taeyang beside them, Jiho wrapping a protective arm around his sister. Across the room Sanggyun had slotted himself into Dongsung's side, Hyunho and Hyosang stood with their arms crossed, wearing similar expressions, Hansol and Yoonchul getting up off the sofa in camaraderie.

She scoffed, knowing there was no way she'd be able to stay down here without them all kicking off, and she really couldn't be bothered with that, falling out with her future husband's kids probably wasn't a good idea.

"Fine. Tell your Appa I'll see him at home." With that she all but flounced out of the house, slamming the door behind her.

"What a fucking bitch."

All eyes turned to the back of the room where Yoonchul was standing with his standard bored expression. The rest of the boys burst out laughing, that was so unexpected of him. It seemed to cheer Sangwon up a little, who had emerged from Sehyuk's hoodie, wiping his face dry.

"I need to see him, Appa. Where is he?"

"I think he went to see Daddy." Hansol commented, pretty sure he saw his father wander upstairs before. "I hope they aren't arguing again."

"I hope they're not arguing over me." Sangwon groaned. He had to put this right, making his way upstairs, Sanggyun running after him.

"Does this mean you're not leaving?!" The elder beamed catching up to Sangwon on the stairs. He would have been so bored if Sangwon moved out.

"I guess not." He flung the door of Hojoon's bedroom open. "Appa! We need to tal-"

His eyes widened at the scene in front of him. His parents wrapped in a loving embrace, Hojoon's hands carding through Sangdo's hair as they kissed, Sangdo pulling the blonde in close by the waist.

The two of them jumped apart at the sound of the door opening, looking like a couple of startled teenagers that had been caught doing something they shouldn't as their two actual teenagers gawped back at them.

"Appa, wha-"

"Are you two getting back together?!" Sanggyun practically bounced on the spot, a wide grin on his catlike features. He couldn't believe they had just walked in on their parents making out after four years of arguing.

"Uh..." Hojoon turned to look at his ex-husband. Fuck. They had just told one another that they were still in love, but they hadn't discussed what that actually meant. This was a huge thing. They couldn't just make a spontaneous decision like that.

"We need to talk, but I would love that." Sangdo turned back to Hojoon, taking the elders hands in his own, that smile Hojoon had fallen in love with when he was just nineteen on his face. "If you'll have me."

Hojoon swallowed thickly, eyes flitting between his ex-husband and their pair of thirteen-year-olds stood at the door. He didn't really know how to respond. It had been four years. Four years of being on his own and raising eleven kids while Sangdo ran off and played happy families with someone else. Four years of heartache. Four years of trying to get over the love of his life. And now he had to make this huge split second decision because everyone was staring at him and he didn't know what to do.

"I...I can't say right now. Like your Appa said, we need to talk."

Sanggyun took that to mean yes, squealing with delight before turning to run down and tell his brothers.

Hojoon inwardly groaned. Oh, god. Honestly, the last thing he needed was all of them knowing.

But Sangwon didn't budge. He was just staring at the two of them, expression unreadable. It made Hojoon uneasy. Was he mad that he probably wasn't going to go live with Sangdo and Mina now? He could only assume that Sangdo was going to break up with her after this. He just really hoped Sangwon wouldn't resent him or something.

"Don't do it, Daddy."

Hojoon and Sangdo exchanged a glance. What was Sangwon talking about?

"Don't go back to him. You deserve better."

Hojoon's jaw dropped. That was the first time he had heard Sangwon say something even vaguely negative about his father before. Why would he- Oh god. He knew.

"Sangwon, I-"

"Can you go?" Sangwon cut Sangdo off before he could even finish his sentence, throwing a sideways glare at the brunette. "I want to talk to Daddy. Alone."

Something akin to hurt flashed through Sangdo’s eyes at the way Sangwon spoke to him, but he knew he probably deserved it. He decided to listen to his son and leave, not wanting Sangwon to be any angrier with him.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Hojoon exhaled deeply. He knew this day would come eventually. All of his other kids had found out what happened between him and his other father; it was only a matter of time until Sangwon did too.

"You were so young at the time, Sangwonnie, and I- I just could never bring myself to tell you, baby. I'm sorry."

"No." Hojoon's breath caught in the back of his throat, thinking his son wasn't accepting his apology as the crossed the room. "No, I'm sorry. I've always defended Appa and I didn't know. I didn't know he did this to you. Daddy, he broke your heart."

Hojoon's eyes began to glaze over as Sangwon wrapped his arms around his father's waist, nuzzling into his sweater. He reciprocated the hug, pulling Sangwon in closer by his shoulders.

"Baby, you have nothing to be sorry for. None of this is your fault." He pressed a soft kiss to his youngest's temple, urging him to look up at his father. "I'm really sorry I never told you, you deserved to know what really happened. I just didn't want to ruin your relationship with him; he is your Appa, after all."

"Not anymore he's not." Sangwon shook his head, blinking the tears away. "It's his fault everything is falling apart. That Taeyang got sick and Sehyuk dropped out and Byungjoo's always sad. Appa's aren't meant to do that, they're meant to look after us and make sure we're happy. He just abandoned us." He could see it now, what had truly happened. He had spent years defending Sangdo, assuring his brothers that it was just because of his job, that he had to work away so much to provide for them, that he had fallen in love with Mina after their Dad had drove him away, forced him out. But he was seeing everything in a different light now. None of this was Hojoon’s fault, he wasn't the one that tore their family apart just because it was him that asked for the divorce, he had every right to, Sangdo had cheated on him.

Hojoon sighed; this was the last thing he wanted. He never wanted any of his kids to turn against their other father, that's why he had kept it a secret for so long. He guided Sangwon over to the edge of his bed, taking the boy's hands in his as they sat down.

"Sangwon, he will always be your Appa and he will always love you, no matter what. I know you're mad at him right now, but what happened between the two of us shouldn't affect your relationship with him. I know how close you two are."

"Were." If there was one thing Sangwon was, it was stubborn. He couldn't believe Sangdo would do something like this, the man he practically idolised. "Everything I thought about him was a lie."

"Sangwon-"

"Are you getting back with him?"

Hojoon swallowed thickly. He had no idea what to do. It wasn't something he could answer just yet, he needed time to think about it, time to talk properly with Sangdo, talk without sex clouding his judgment.

"I- Maybe. I don't really know what to do, Sangwon. It's a huge decision. It’s been four years."

"Do you still love him?"

Hojoon nodded lowly, feeling almost ashamed of admitting it to his son. "I never stopped."

He laughed bitterly to himself as he was unable to hold the tears back, letting them roll down his face freely. How many times had he cried today? This was getting ridiculous. He hated himself a little bit for still being madly in love with Sangdo, even as the younger admitted to having an affair, he never stopped. He couldn't. Sangdo was everything he had ever wanted, the love of his life, he would never find anyone like that again, which was partially why he had never tried. But still, Sangdo betrayed him, clearly didn't love him back in the same way if he was more than happy to throw away their marriage and family for his personal assistant. But he said he did. He had just told Hojoon he was still in love with him despite being engaged to someone else, after four years of separation. He wanted more than anything to go back to what they used to have, but he wasn't sure they could after everything. It wasn't that easy. Maybe the damage had already been done. He had the kids to think about too. He couldn't take Sangdo back on a whim, just to see if things would work this time only for everything to fall apart again. He couldn't do that to them, they weren't strong enough to see their family fall apart twice.

Sangwon bit down on his bottom lip as his father cried in front of him. He knew Hojoon cried a lot, but he had never actually seen it. It broke his heart.

He pulled the blonde into his chest, reversing the father/son roles just for a second. Hojoon needed him right now.

"You deserve to be happy, Daddy."

Hojoon began sobbing harder as soon as Sangwon wrapped his arms around him. He couldn't help himself, even the smallest bit of contact was making him ultra-emotional due to his head being such a mess. He felt ridiculous, crying into his thirteen-year-old son's shirt over a broken heart, surely it was meant to be the other way around.

"Whatever you choose to do we'll be behind you, because we all want you to be happy no matter what. You cry too much and if...if taking Appa back will make you stop then I want you to do it."

Hojoon tried to steady his breathing as Sangwon spoke, so he could hear him properly over his hushed sobs. As if his newly-turned teenager was giving him relationship advice.

"When did you get so grown up, huh?" He sat back, thumbing a few stray tears away from Sangwon’s round cheeks with a soft smile on his lips.

"Well, I am a teenager now, Daddy." Sangwon smirked, holding his hand up to his chest, looking pretty proud of himself.

Hojoon groaned. "Don't remind me." He pulled Sangwon into a tight hug, peppering kisses across the squirming boy's forehead and cheeks. "You'll always be my baby, though."

Sangwon whined in his father's arms before giving up his fight to get away. This was actually pretty nice, he just wished he had seen how much Hojoon loved him before he tried to move away and live with Sangdo, hearing that must have ruined the blonde.

"I love you, Daddy."

"I love you too, Sangwonnie."


	9. Bedtime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GODDDD HERE IT IS THE LAST CHAPTER. WHATS GONNA HAPPEN?? HOW WILL SANGWONS BDAY END??
> 
> I was actually going to post this the other day but didn't in light of recent events. I've done nothing but cry these past couple of days and thought I would post something bc writing always makes me feel better so...here we are
> 
> ok so, writing this was very painful, but also a lot of fun and i'm so sorry I've totally ruined the sugary sweetness of undici for everyone lmao but,,,,,everyone's gotta grow up some time I guess
> 
> I have a lil question for you guys at the end in regards to what will come next in this series and I would love your feedback!!  
> please enjoy!!!

"How do you feel?" Byungjoo settled down next to her brother who had taken a seat after Mina left. No doubt he was still a bit drunk. 

"Okay." Jiho sighed, instantly gravitating towards Byungjoo. He didn't feel as ill as before; the room wasn't spinning, and he didn't feel as nauseous. "Wasn't exactly expecting to come home to this, though." 

"Yeah." Byungjoo had been dreading Sangwon finding out about what had really happened between their parents. She and Jiho had taken it hard enough, and they were nowhere near as close to their Appa as Sangwon was. "I thought we were past all this shouting and crying."

Jiho hummed, resting his head on his sister's shoulder. He could honestly do with going to sleep right about now, but considering everything that was going on that probably wasn't a great idea. 

"How about you? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I- I feel better after telling you." She smiled, fingers subtly lacing with Jiho’s. "I still don't want anyone else to know yet, though. Especially not after all of this."

Jiho nodded, he got that. He had a couple of other things on his mind though, eyes focusing on two of his brothers who were quietly talking across the other side of the room. 

"What do I do about Hansol and Dongsung?"

Byungjoo followed Jiho’s line of sight. To be honest she had forgotten about Hansol, what Jiho had done with his girlfriend. Considering what may have happened to Dongsung it paled in comparison. It was just a kiss. Sure, she was massively against cheating, but that was nothing compared to everything else that was going on right now. 

"Maybe you should wait until tomorrow, when you're sober. Or when things have calmed down here."

"I just- I have no fucking idea what to say. How do I even bring that up?"

"I don't know, Jiji." Byungjoo kept her voice low, not wanting any of the others to hear. "We can figure it out tomorrow, or whenever."

Jiho groaned. His head was banging, and all of this wasn't helping. He just wanted to go to bed but he needed to know Sangwon was alright, that his parents weren't biting one another's heads off. 

"I-I want to tell D-"

"Daddy and Appa are getting back together!" Jiho was cut off as Sanggyun bounded into the living room where the rest of his siblings still were. The nine of them turned to him with quizzical looks across all of their faces. 

"What?"

"We just saw them, me and Sangwon, they were upstairs kissing!"

"Kissing?" Hansol quirked an eyebrow. Only about an hour ago he was outside comforting his father who was on the brink of tears because of his ex-husband. Now they were getting back together? "Are you sure?"

Sanggyun sighed dramatically. Of course, he was sure; he had just seen it with his own eyes. Why were they all looking at him like he was stupid?

"Yes, I'm sure! They were kissing! They said they were going to talk about getting back together!"

The rest of the boys seemed a little less excited than Sanggyun. Honestly, the majority of them would do anything to have their parents back together, their family as a whole, how things used to be. But they knew it wasn't that easy. That the damage had been done. 

"Sanggyun-" Dongsung started, crossing the room so he could be closer to his brother. He was usually the only one that could calm him down. "I-I don't think it's that easy. They can't just get back together like that, they-"

"He can't just waltz back in here like nothing has fucking happened."

Sanggyun rolled his eyes; he should have known Hyosang would have something to say about this. It was like his older brother didn't want them to be happy. Didn't want their Dad to be happy. 

"He's our _Appa_ , Hyosang." 

"Well, he doesn't act like it." 

Great. Now Sehyuk was getting involved. But of course he was. 

"Don't you want us to be a family again?"

"We _are_ a family, Sanggyun...with or without him." Taeyang was usually pretty neutral when it came to their parents, but it was true, they didn't _really_ need him. He was worried their other father coming home would make things worse, rather than better. 

Sanggyun didn't understand what was going on. He thought they would all be as excited as he was, almost all of them at least. They could go back to what they used to have, when they were all happy, before it all fell apart. Their parents might be getting back together. Their family could be whole again. Why were they all so against the idea? 

"But-" his breath began to shudder as the stairs creaked, turning to come face to face with Sangdo. "Appa! Appa, tell them! Tell them you and Daddy are getting back together!"

Sangdo swallowed thickly, ten of his kids staring back at them, each with a slightly different expression; apprehensive, desperate, hopeful, pissed off. What was he meant to say? He had no idea what was happening between the two of them, they had just slept together, barely talked, but there was no way he could tell his kids that. 

"We- I really can't say, Sanggyun."

"B-but you have to." Sangdo’s heart dropped as his second youngest son's voice cracked. He knew how much Sanggyun wanted his family back, wanted his Appa to live with them again. But it wasn't that easy. He wished it was, but it wasn't. 

"No, they don't, Sanggyun. Why would you want Dad to get back with _him?_ " Hyosang spat. This was ridiculous. It had been four years; they were finally starting to move on. Why would Sangdo wait this long to try and patch things up? "You had your chance to make things right years ago, and you didn't. You chose her, and you broke Daddy's heart. You don't fucking deserve him. You don't deserve any of us."

"Hyosang-"

"No! It's true!" He wasn’t going to hold back. They had all been through so much because of Sangdo. He honestly couldn't understand why any of his brothers wanted anything to do with him. "You fucking destroyed this family for some slut. You don't give a shit about any of us!"

"Of course I do, Hyosang. You kids mean _everything_ to me."

"Don't fucking give me that! You wouldn't have cheated if you did. You wouldn't have gotten engaged to the woman you had a fucking affair with. You wouldn't have abandoned us. You wouldn't have forgotten your fucking kid’s birthdays!" Hyosang laughed bitterly. This wasn't the first argument he had had with his father, but it had been at least a year since they had even spoke more than a couple of words to one another and a lot of anger had built up over that time. "And now you think you can just worm your way back in after all of that?"

"Hyosang, I-" Sangdo took a deep breath, mind racing to defend himself. But he couldn't, because Hyosang was right. His fifteen-year-old son was calling him out on all the ways he had fucked up and he was completely right. "I know I've messed up, but I want to make it up to you, all of you. I love your Dad so, so much, I-"

"You _love_ him?" This time it was Hansol's turn to speak up. Sure, he hated what his Appa had done to his Dad. He didn't hate his Appa, he still loved him. But... "How can you say that? After everything you've put him through? You don't do that to someone you love, Appa."

"Yeah, do you have any idea how much he cries because of you?" A voice from the back of the room spoke up. Byungjoo. No one expected that. The elder of the twins had been so quiet recently, barely spoke to anyone. But she couldn't believe what she was hearing. She absolutely loved the idea of her parents getting back together, but realistically she knew it wasn't that easy. "Still, after four years he cries himself to sleep."

"If you love him so much - if you love _us_ so much - why did you ever leave? Why didn't you try harder to make it work? It's been four years, Sangdo. Why have you left it this long if you care that much about him?" Sehyuk may not always get on with his other father, but he felt a sense of protectiveness towards him. He hadn't actually done anything wrong in this situation, but he was the one that lost everything - the love of his life. Sangdo was the bad guy here. 

Some of the boys hummed in agreement. They knew how much their Dad had suffered over the past few years, no matter how well he hid it. They knew. 

They were right. They were all right and Sangdo knew it. He didn't deserve Hojoon, not after everything he had done to the blonde. But he would do absolutely anything to make it up to him, to have him back in his life. 

"No- I- I made a mistake, I- If I could go back I never would have-"

"A mistake?" Hyosang folded his arms across his chest, a wry smirk on his lips. Of course. It all made sense. "So, you're sick of fucking Mina or something so now you want him back? You're just being selfish. Again. Like you always are."

"Hyosang, I'm still your father, don't you dare speak to me like t-"

"Oh, so _now_ you want to play the father card? A _real_ father wouldn't put his kids through all of this. A _real_ father wouldn't only think with his dick. A _real_ father wouldn't want to overturn his kids' lives _yet again_ , because he realised he made a _little mistake_. You don't give a shit about our family getting back together," Hyosang closed in on Sangdo, ignoring a warning from Dongsung, "you just want him back because you know he's the best thing you ever had, and you fucking drove him away. You've finally realised she'll never compare to him so now you want him back."

Hyosang stood up straight, almost squaring up to his father who wore a stunned expression. 

"And if you think I'd let you go anywhere near him, then you have another thing-"

"What's going on here?" Hojoon was stood halfway down the stairs, Sangwon by his side. The air was so thick with tension it made his breath hitch. 

The eleven of them turned to face him, Sanggyun running up the stairs, arms outstretched so he could bury his face in his father's shirt. He hated fighting and arguments, especially when his family were involved. He couldn't understand why they were all ganging up on their Appa. He knew what he had done was wrong, but he wanted to make things right. 

"Daddy! They're all- They're all being mean to Appa but you two are getting back together, right?"

Hojoon inwardly groaned, he knew Sanggyun wouldn't be able to hold his water. This wasn't exactly how he wanted any of this to go. 

"I don't know, baby, it's something we all need to talk about. This isn't just about me and Appa; it's about all of you too."

"But I want us to be a family again." Sanggyun sniffled, arms wrapping tighter around Hojoon's waist. 

"We don't need him to be a family." Hyosang spat, mirroring Taeyang's words from earlier. "We're better off without him."

Hojoon had figured that would have been Hyosang's response. He honestly wasn't at all surprised to find his fifteen-year-old shouting and balling at his ex-husband. 

"Look, its late, we've all had a long, emotional day, maybe we should just go to bed and talk about this in the morning." Honestly, he was tired. Really tired. He had had a group of twelve-year-olds running around his house all day, then argument upon argument, then...sex. He just needed to sleep. He couldn't get into anything else right now. 

Most of the boys nodded in agreement. It was almost midnight, and a lot had gone on today. Poor Sangwon, this must have been the shittiest birthday ever. 

The eleven of them made their way upstairs, bidding goodnight to their parents. Hyosang was the last to go up, eyes still narrowed on his Appa as he ascended the stairs, stopping to press a kiss to his Dad's cheek. 

"Don't let him get to you."

"I won't, baby." He loved how protective his kids were of him. He honestly didn't know what he would do without them. 

It was just he and Sangdo left. Hojoon made his way down the rest of the stairs so he was just feet away from his husband. 

"I'm sorry, Joon, about everything. You know that, right?"

Hojoon bowed his head. He wanted to believe that, he really did. But he couldn't forgive Sangdo so easily, not after how riled up the kids were. He had to put them first and if they didn't want their Appa back in their lives, he couldn't force that upon them. 

"Come here." He let Sangdo pull him back into his chest, strong arms wrapping around his shoulders, fingers carding through blonde hair. He couldn't help himself. It had been too long since he had felt this warm. He didn't want to give in so easily, he wanted to make it clear that he wasn't going to let Sangdo back in so easily. But...a part of him wished he could. That they could go back to what they had in the blink of an eye. That they could be happy again. 

"It's gonna be okay, babe."

Hojoon hummed, even though he wasn't so sure. He felt like things were only going to get messier. A lot of the kids resented their other father, and he didn't want them to resent him too. 

But for now, he let himself melt into Sangdo’s arms, he let himself feel normal, feel loved. He just...he wished this had never happened. He wished Sangdo hadn't been so selfish. Wished he hadn't used the threat of divorce. Maybe they'd still be together. Maybe they could have worked things out, gotten over the affair and none of the boys would ever have had to know. Maybe this was all his fault after all. 

"You should get some sleep, baby." Sangdo pulled back from the hug, ever so slightly, just enough to urge Hojoon to look up at him. "I want to see you again, though. Soon."

Hojoon smiled bashfully. He truly believed that Sangdo still cared about him. "Are you asking me out on a date?"

"If the kids will let me, then yes." He leaned in to press a soft kiss to Hojoon's forehead, one the elder couldn't help but tilt his head up to catch Sangdo's lips in his own. Maybe he was being naive, but he had been alone so long it was difficult not to want to kiss the man he had been in love with for almost twenty-six years. 

"I should go." Sangdo pulled back completely this time, grabbing his coat. "Text me or something, yeah? We really need to talk about stuff more."

"Yeah..." Hojoon breathed out, heart breaking a little as he watched Sangdo get ready to leave. He wished he could just stay. Spend the night. They didn't have to do anything, but he would kill for the younger's arms to be wrapped around him all night. "Y-you're not going back to her, are you?"

"Of course not! I'll stay at a hotel or something. Joon I meant it, it's over. I'll break it off tomorrow. I promise. It's you that I love."

Hojoon nodded, willing the slight blush on his cheeks away. They shared one last, fleeting kiss before Sangdo left, leaving Hojoon feeling almost empty inside. 

The kids. Seeing them would make him feel better. 

He went around to each of their rooms one by one, starting with Yoonchul. The fifteen-year-old was flat out. That didn't really surprise him, arguments and raised voices tended to take it out of him, even if he wasn't directly involved. Yoonchul was the one he worried about most in regards to him getting back with Sangdo, mainly because he didn't speak about his emotions. Ever. Sure, Hyosang was going to be the most vocal about it, but he worried that Yoonchul would bottle everything up and another huge change would tip him over the edge. 

He sighed, shutting Yoonchul's door behind him as he made his way to Taeyang and Hansol's room. The two of them were sat on Hansol's bed, talking quietly between themselves. 

_"Where were you all night?"_

_Taeyang sighed; he couldn't really keep anything from Hansol._

_"Promise you won't tell Dad?"_

_"Promise."_

_"Jiho and Joo snuck out to some party so me and Sehyuk went to go get them."_

_Hansol's eyebrows shot up under his platinum hair. Byungjoo snuck out? To a party?_

_"Wait, Hunters party?" Hansol hummed as Taeyang nodded. "Emi was there, I wonder if she saw them."_

_Taeyang shrugged, settling down next to Hansol on his bed. He was tired, but he wasn't quite ready to go to sleep yet._

_"Dunno, but Jiho seems really off. I hope he's okay."_

_"Jiho? I thought it was Joo that-"_

"Hey, are you alright?" Taeyang cut Hansol off as the door cracked open. 

Hojoon nodded at Taeyang, a soft smile on his face. Surely, he was meant to be the one asking them that. 

"You know we'll support you no matter what, right Dad?"

"Yeah, we just want you to be happy."

Hojoon's heart swelled. His boys really did care about him, didn't they? 

"Thanks, babies. I love you both. Sleep well, okay?"

The two of them reciprocated the _'I love you'_ , resuming their conversation as soon as the door was shut. 

"So, what do you think is up with Jiho?"

Hojoon made his way to the next room, Sehyuk and Hyosang's. He really hoped the younger of the two had calmed down a little by now. 

_"God, I fucking hate him." Hyosang was still livid as he ripped his shirt off, getting ready for bed. Not that he was sure he could sleep. He was way too riled up for that._

_"I know you do." Sehyuk replied, scrolling through Facebook on his phone. For once he was the calmer of the two. Sure, he was pissed off at Sangdo, but honestly, he couldn't stop thinking about the twins...and that guy. Something just seemed so off about the whole situation. Why would Jiho leave his jacket and phone in that room?_

_"Does he seriously think he gets to be our Appa now? After all these years? He's pathetic, honestly." Hyosang slumped down on his bed with a huff. His head actually hurt from inwardly raging so much. He couldn't ever forgive Sangdo for what he had done. For tearing his family apart, for ruining their Dad's life. He was meant to be their Appa, meant to love and protect them, keep them happy, but apparently getting his dick wet meant more to him than they did. He really did hate him for it. "I wish he'd just leave us all alone to get on with our lives."_

_"Do you think he and Dad will get back together?"_

_Hyosang sighed. He really hoped not. Sangdo didn't deserve their Dad. Hojoon was amazing. He was the most loving, caring person Hyosang had ever known. He would do absolutely anything for them and Hyosang wanted nothing more than to return the favour by protecting him. Protecting him from Sangdo. Their Appa was still hurting him and they weren't even together anymore, what would he be capable of if they lived under the same roof again?_

_"I fucking hope not."_

_"What if it makes him happy?" Sehyuk put his phone down, trying to be the voice of reason for a change. He couldn't stand Sangdo either, but he knew how in love their parents were when he was younger, and he was pretty sure Hojoon had never grown out of that. "Wouldn't you want him to be happy?"_

_"By getting back with the man that cheated on him? That left him for someone else for four years? How could that possibly make him happy? He deserves someone better."_

_Sehyuk scoffed. "Like you'd let anyone near him."_

_Hyosang shuffled under his bed covers. Okay, Sehyuk had a point. He was pretty sure no one was good enough for his Dad, and the idea of letting another man into their family terrified him._

_He didn't trust men anymore. At all. Hyosang was bisexual, something he had known from a very young age. He had always liked girls and boys, always dated girls and boys, but over the past few years he had stuck to girls. It wasn't that his sexuality had changed, there were so many boys he'd had crushes on. Even though his parent's relationship had fell apart, it didn't mean he wasn't still a hopeless romantic at heart, that he didn't still fall for people at the drop of a hat. But, he just didn't trust any of the boys at school. He was fifteen years of age and he didn't trust the entire male species because of what their father had done._

_"Well...I want him to be happy. I just- I dunno. He deserves nothing but the best and-"_

"Hey..." Hojoon knocked on the door before pushing it open tentatively, he knew Sehyuk didn't really like him being in there and Hyosang was probably still ranting. "Are you two okay?"

Hyosang sighed. He really hated seeing Hojoon like this. 

"I'm fine, Dad." He sat up, stretching his arms or for a hug. He was never too old for a hug from his favourite father. Plus, Hojoon looked like he needed it. 

Hojoon smiled as he sat on the edge of Hyosang's bed, arms wrapping around his son's waist, whispering a soft 'thanks, baby' into burgundy hair. 

"Yeah, I'm fine too, but...are you?" Sehyuk spoke up from the other side of the room. Hojoon turned, Hyosang's arms still looped around his shoulders, it wasn't like Sehyuk to ask how he was, it made his heart flutter a little. 

"I-I'm fine. I'm sorry about all of that we- We just kind of got caught up in the heat of the moment then the kids walked in and...and Sanggyun took it the wrong way and-"

"So, you're not getting back together?" 

Hojoon flinched a little at Hyosang's tone. The fifteen-year-old really didn't want him to take Sangdo back, did he? Maybe he should put the kids first. They were his everything after all. He couldn't disrupt their lives again. 

"I- We don't know yet...I mean, there's a lot to talk about."

"But you want to." 

Hojoon avoided Hyosang's gaze, which was difficult considering how huge his son's eyes were. He just couldn't bring himself to look at him. Maybe this whole thing was stupid. Maybe he was just being naive. 

"Dad." Hojoon's eyes widened as his name came from the other side of the room. He couldn't remember how long it was since Sehyuk had called him that. "You should do whatever makes you happy. You haven't been happy for a while, so..."

Sehyuk wasn't great with words, but Hojoon knew what was best. Even his second oldest seemed to want what was best for him. The one son he thought hated him the most. 

"Thanks, sweetie." Hojoon smiled, missing the glare Hyosang was sending his brother over his father's shoulder. "I-I really don't know what to do at the moment, my head is kind of a mess. But me and your Appa have a lot to talk about, we'll just have to wait and see what happens."

Hyosang's heart dropped. Hojoon really wanted to get back with Sangdo, didn't he? This was the last thing he wanted. That man worming his way back in, living in their house, acting like he cared about their Dad. There was no way he was going to let that happen. 

"You deserve better than someone that who cheats on you, Dad." Hyosang detached himself from Hojoon, rolling over to lie down, back facing his father. 

Hojoon's face fell. The last thing he wanted was Hyosang to be mad at him, but he could kind of understand where he was coming from. Sangdo had caused them all so much heartache.

He stroked his fingers through Hyosang's hair, pressing a soft kiss to the fifteen-year-olds cheek. Not really sure of what to say, he stood, wishing them both a good night as he left. 

"Way to make him feel like shit, Hyosang." Sehyuk hissed as soon as the door clicked shut. His brother merely flipped him off from across the room, not even bothering to roll over and look at him. 

Hojoon's breath shuddered as he leaned back again Hyosang and Sehyuk's door. He was in for an intense couple of days, maybe even weeks or months while he and Sangdo tried to sort out whatever was going on between them. His head hurt just thinking about it. He needed to see the rest of the kids and get to bed before he broke down again. 

The rest of the kid's rooms were on the next floor, Hyunho and Dongsung's room was closest to the stairs so he figured he'd go see them next. Plus, he was sure he had just seen Jiho dip out of the bathroom and he wanted to give his son a little time to get ready for bed. They had barely spoken for most of the day, and as childish as it sounded considering he was the parent here, he was a little worried about talking to the fourteen-year-old. 

_"What a fucking day." Hyunho threw himself down on his bed, too tired to even get undressed. He was only wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, anyway. He'd live._

_"Tell me about it." Dongsung mirrored his brothers action, flopping down on his front. He was exhausted. All that crying earlier really took it out of him. All of those memories resurfacing. He just needed to sleep and forget about everything._

_"You okay?"_

_"I'll be fine." He mumbled into his pillow. He had coped with this for years, forcing himself to be okay was something he'd gotten good at._

_"I'm sorry...about everything. I really am." Hyunho's voice was small, he clearly didn't really know what to say. "I wish-"_

_"Hey." The door to their room cracked open, Sanggyun's head popping around the corner. "Can... can I sleep in here tonight?"_

_Dongsung sat up, heart melting as his younger brother entered the room. He often forgot Sanggyun was still so young, he liked to act like he was grown up, but he was still just a kid, really. And he knew how much the divorce had affected him. How much it was still affecting him._

_"Sure...come here." Dongsung shuffled over to the side of the bed that backed onto the wall, giving Sanggyun more than enough room to lie down next to him. It was times like this that he was extra thankful that their father had finally caved and gotten the older boys double beds. He had been hesitant at first, double beds usually meant sleeping with people...but he couldn't really deny Dongsung one, he had barely fit in the bed he had as a kid any more._

_Sanggyun curled into his side, face buried in Dongsung's chest._

_"Do you think Sangwon hates me?" He was too scared to sleep in his own room, what if Sangwon shouted at him? He had ruined his younger brother's perception of their Appa, ruined his plans to move out. Ruined his birthday._

_"Of course not. You didn't do anything wrong."_

_"We should have told him earlier, Sanggyun. We should have told all of you earlier, to be honest." Hyunho added from across the room. He was one of the first to know. After Sehyuk and Hyosang had heard their parents arguing that night they had told Taeyang and Hyunho, being the first and third eldest. It was their decision not to tell the younger kids until they were older. It was a lot to handle._

_"He'll be fine, Gyunnie, he doesn't hate you. Is that why you wanted to sleep in here?"_

_Sanggyun nodded, tears beginning to prick his eyes. "And- I dunno. I just...I want Daddy and Appa to get back together but no one else does. I just want us all to be together again. I miss how things used to be."_

_Dongsung caught Hyunho's gaze over Sanggyun's curled up form. Honestly, the majority of them felt exactly the same. Of course, they missed how things used to be, and would give anything to go back to that. But they couldn't. Sangdo had done something irreversible and things would never be the same._

_"We all do, Gyunnie. It's just- Well- Appa, he-"_

_"He messed up. Big time. And as much as we'd all love to be one big happy family again, it's not that easy. It's not fair on Dad to ask him to take back his cheating ex-husband just so we can all live in the same house."_

_Sanggyun swallowed thickly at Hyunho's words. He knew that, he did. He- He just wanted his family back more than anything. And he knew Daddy and Appa could be happy together again. They loved each other, he just knew it._

"I just came to- Sanggyun?" Hojoon tilted his head as he entered Hyunho and Dongsung's room, instantly noticing the curled-up lump in the youngers bed. He could barely see a tuft of black hair, but he knew fine well it was Sanggyun. 

"He's gonna sleep in here tonight."

Hojoon's heart practically broke. It had been years since Sanggyun insisted on sleeping in Dongsung's room. When he was younger the two of them were inseparable, but as they grew up and Sanggyun grew closer to Sangwon it made sense for the two of them to share a room since they were the same age. 

"Are you okay, sweetie?" Hojoon sat on the edge of Dongsung's bed, fingers stroking through Sanggyun's hair, hoping the younger wasn't too upset with him. 

"Yeah." Sanggyun sniffled, trying his best to stop himself from crying. "I just wanna stay with Dongsung, that's all."

Hojoon sighed. He hated this, his kids hurting so much. Yet again he was the one who had to deal with it while Sangdo was away. Though, he was pretty sure it would have made things much worse if the brunette had stayed. 

"I'm sorry about all of this, baby." He wiped away a stray tear that rolled down Sanggyun's sharp cheekbone. "I know you want me and your Appa to get back together but...I can't make any promises. I- He just sprung it on me and it's been so long and-"

"It's okay, Daddy." Sanggyun rolled over so he could look up at his Dad. He didn't want Hojoon to think he was angry or anything. He was upset, sure, but not angry. "I get that it's hard for you."

Hojoon smiled sadly. When did his babies get so grown up? Acting all mature and stuff. They were all going to have to talk about this properly in the morning, hopefully with minimal shouting and tears. 

"I'll see you in the morning, okay?" Hojoon felt it was best to leave it at that, not wanting to stir up any more drama this late at night. He pressed a kiss to Sanggyun's head, fingers stroking through the boy's hair once more. His hair was so silky and soft, and getting so long Hojoon absolutely loved it. 

"Can we have pancakes tomorrow?"

Dongsung half-scoffed, half-laughed as he settled down next to Sanggyun. It didn't take much for his younger brother to get over things. 

"If that's what you want, baby." Hojoon chuckled as Hyunho complained that he was already hungry and could do with some right now. He wished the three of them goodnight, figuring he should go check in on the twins, he had been planning on doing that earlier but got...distracted. 

_"Jiho?"_

_"Yeah?" The younger of the twins was curled up in bed, pillow already soaked from wet hair. As soon as he stepped into their room he felt sick, dirty even, and had jumped straight into the shower. He just needed to feel clean again._

_"What were you going to say downstairs? Before Sanggyun came down screaming about Dad and Appa?"_

_"Hm?" Jiho let his eyes flutter shut as he thought back. Honestly, the last thing he wanted to do was to replay any of this day. "I just- I think I'm going to tell Dad."_

_"Really? But you'll get in trouble."_

_"Yeah." Jiho knew that. He also knew he'd be risking getting Byungjoo and Sehyuk in trouble. But he couldn't cope with this alone. He needed his Dad's love and support. "And I'm sorry if you do too - but just say I was the one that dragged you there. I just...I can't do this without him, Joo."_

_Byungjoo sat up, weight on her elbow as she looked over at her brother via the dim street lighting outside. He sounded so fragile. This wasn't something she was used to at all with Jiho. Her brother was confident and outgoing, he had no problem speaking to new people or socialising. But now she was scared how much this would affect him. That everything about Jiho would change. That he would become more like her._

_"Can...can I sleep in your bed tonight?"_

_She was struggling for something to say when Jiho interrupted her train of thought. She had been so wrapped up in thinking of something comforting to reply to her brother with she hadn't even realised he was sitting up now, pillow clutched to his chest._

_"Of course you can, Jiji." She shuffled across the bed, giving Jiho enough room to slide in, on her left side, like always._

_"This- This isn't weird now, is it?" Jiho seemed a little hesitant. He really didn't want anything to change between him and Byungjoo, but he was worried she might feel more uncomfortable around him now._

_"Don't be silly, get in." Jiho could just about make out her smile as she folded the corner of her duvet over, inviting him in. Jiho obliged, inwardly sighing. He wasn't sure he could sleep without Byungjoo tonight. "You're still my other half. I don't want anything to change between us now you know."_

_"It won't." Jiho snuggled into his sister, head resting on the elder's shoulder. "As long as you're comfortable it won't."_

Jiho was just about to nod off when their bedroom door opened, whining softly as light streamed into his vision from the passageway. 

"Sorry, did I wake you up?" Hojoon whispered, noticing the scrunched-up eyes of his twins. 

Byungjoo shook her head. "Nah, we weren't asleep yet. Are you okay?"

Hojoon hummed softly. There was no way he was going to tell the kids what had just gone on downstairs between him and Sangdo. Not tonight. Plus, he was more concerned that Jiho and Byungjoo were sharing a bed. He could see why Sanggyun would want to sleep with Dongsung, but he had hoped the twins wouldn't be as affected by tonight's events. 

"I'm fine. How about you two?"

Jiho and Byungjoo exchanged a look, not really sure what to say. They had both lied to Hojoon enough tonight already, but it was too late, and they didn't want to pile any more on his plate right now. It could wait. 

"We're fine. I just needed a cuddle." Jiho partially lied before taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry about before, Daddy. I was acting like a brat and... well, I'm sorry."

Hojoon smiled softly. He wished he had seen Jiho sooner but so much had gone on tonight he just hadn't had time. 

"It's okay, baby, we'll talk tomorrow, yeah?"

Jiho nodded, stomach churning a little at the thought. He wanted to open up to his Dad about what happened, but the idea terrified him. 

"Night, Daddy." Jiho nuzzled further into Byungjoo's chest, eyes falling shut. He just really wanted tonight to be over. 

"Night, kids. Sleep well." Hojoon shut the door behind him, blowing Byungjoo a kiss before she settled down. Something seemed off...he couldn't remember the last time the twins were this close. They had been slowly drifting apart over the year, and- Maybe they were just stressed about everything that was going on and they needed one another. 

Hojoon sighed. He only had Sangwon to check on then he could finally get some sleep. 

"Sangw-"

His heart dropped as his youngest's room was empty. 

"Sangwon?"

No. 

He began to panic. He had seen all of his kids head upstairs, so where was Sangwon? He knew how upset his son was. His birthday had been ruined, he had found out his father had been cheating and his family was on the brink of completely falling apart. 

And now he was gone.

Hojoon had already been in all of the other kid's rooms, where could he be? 

He checked the remaining rooms on that floor; the study, the bathrooms, heart racing as he ran back down to the first floor. Maybe he had went to see one of his brothers without Hojoon realising, or maybe he went downstairs for a drink or-

What if he had gone? What if he went with Sangdo after all. Or what if he had run away? 

Fuck. This had seriously been the worst birthday ever for him, he almost wouldn't blame him, Hojoon himself would have done a lot worse when he was Sangwon's age. But he just wanted his baby to be home and safe, tucked up in bed, ready to fall asleep and having lovely, peaceful dreams that had nothing to do with tonight. 

"Sangwon?" Hojoon's voice was beginning to waver as he headed back upstairs. Maybe he had just missed him coming out of the bathroom or something. He had to be here. He just _had_ to. "Sangwonnie?"

"Yeah?" 

Hojoon's heart almost leaped out of his chest as he heard his son's voice, coming from his bedroom. He pushed the door open, sighing with relief as the thirteen-year-old was nestled under his covers, already dressed for bed. 

"Can I sleep in here tonight?"

Hojoon smiled softly. He couldn't remember the last time one of them asked to sleep in his bed. It had been a pretty common occurrence after he and Sangdo split up, he'd often find himself with up to three kids in his bed, inches from falling out and onto the floor. 

"Of course, you can, sweetie, just let me get changed."

Hojoon sighed as he looked over his reflection in the mirror of his en suite as he got ready for bed. He felt...old. Like, really fucking old. It was like this day had taken such a toll on him he had aged a fucking decade in a few hours. He made a mental note to himself to get a facial sometime next week while the kids were at school. And maybe a massage. He deserved it. 

"Dad! Hurry up, I'm tired!"

He laughed to himself as he pulled a new t-shirt over his head. Sangwon had never let anything get between him and sleep. 

"I'm coming, calm down." 

He closed the bathroom door behind himself, turning off the bedroom light as he made his way to bed, sliding in next to Sangwon, who instantly gravitated towards him, head resting on his father's chest. 

Hojoon wrapped an arm around his son's shoulders, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. This was nice. Really nice. 

"Remember when you were about six and you'd insist on sleeping in here with me so Appa had to sleep in the attic?"

Sangwon chuckled, he wasn't quite ready to talk about Sangdo yet, but that did make him laugh. It was something their parents would always tease him for as he was growing up. 

"Jiho was so mad when we ended up turning it into a spare bedroom because he liked keeping all of his trophies and crowns up there."

Sangwon snorted. "He always was a drama queen. It's no surprise he's got the lead role in the end of term play."

Hojoon had forgotten about that actually, the stress of everything had erased it from his memory. He loved watching Jiho perform. He made another mental note to himself to find out when it was. 

"Do I have to go to school tomorrow?"

Hojoon scoffed. "Is that why you wanted to come cuddle? To butter me up?"

"No!" Sangwon giggled, arm tightening around his father's waist. "I just didn't want to put up with Sanggyun's snoring."

The two of them lay in a comfortable silence for a couple of minutes. Hojoon didn't want to break it, he really didn't, he wanted Sangwon to get some rest, to be happy, but he had to know he was okay. 

"How are you holding up, anyway? After...everything."

Sangwon sighed. He honestly didn't know how to respond to that. His entire world had fell apart, on his birthday. The man he admired, his father, had turned out to be someone totally different, someone he despised, and his other father, the one who he had blamed for everything, the one whose fingers were currently stroking through his gingery hair had gone through hell and back. He hated that Hojoon had managed to hide everything so well. He wished he had known earlier, that he had picked up in things earlier. 

"I'm okay. I'm still mad at him, but...I dunno. Is he- Is he going to leave her?"

Hojoon's stomach churned at the sheer mention of Mina. Sangdo had said he was going to stay in a hotel tonight, that he was going to break up with her, but he wasn't really sure what to believe anymore. Was this just another lie that Sangdo was telling him? He found it difficult to tell anymore. 

"I don't know."

"Do you want him to?"

Hojoon swallowed thickly, nodding slightly, hoping Sangwon would feel it against the crown of his head because he wasn't sure he could say it aloud. 

"Do you?"

"Yeah. I hate her. I don't want her to have anything to do with this family. I can't believe I wanted to go live with them and leave you. Daddy, I'm so so-"

"Shhh, baby, it's okay." Hojoon pressed his lips to Sangwon's hair again, arms wrapping around the thirteen-year-olds shoulders as he began to sob again. He hated seeing Sangwon like this. He hated that his son seemed to be blaming himself, when the two of them - his parents - shouldn't have lied to him in the first place. "Don't think about her, okay? You have me and all of your brothers and your Appa still loves you so much, okay? We don't need anyone like that in our lives."

Sangwon sniffled, nodding against Hojoon's chest. He felt like such an idiot for being sucked into all of her lies. She seemed so nice, would always go out of her way to make him feel welcome in her home and buy him gifts. But it was all bullshit. And his Dad was right, they didn't need her. 

"Daddy?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"Are we gonna be okay? Like, all of us? Are Byungjoo and Taeyang and... you- Are you gonna be okay?"

Hojoon cast his gaze out of the window, unable to look at Sangwon despite the fact the teenagers head was tucked under his chin. Were they going to be okay? He wasn't so sure. He really hoped so. He hated seeing any of his kids suffering. 

He hated watching Taeyang starve himself. He hated watching Sehyuk throw his life away. He hated seeing Hyunho come home covered in cuts and bruises after getting in some fight. He hated the way Dongsung had went from his gentle, fun loving giant to a shadow of his former self. He hated how angry Hyosang was at his Appa. He hated watching Yoonchul struggle to make friends. He hated that Hansol was in and out of hospital. He hated that Byungjoo would barely leave her room, barely speak to any of them. He hated the way Jiho was drifting away from all of his brothers. He hated that Sanggyun was so intent on finding out who his real parents were, because he knew the truth would destroy him. And he hated that Sangwon had had his eyes opened to all of the flaws in their family. 

He just wished he could make everything better, for all of them. But he had no idea how to do that. 

"I'll be fine." He breathed out, after so long it hardly seemed convincing. But if he didn't say it aloud then he really wouldn't be. Plus, he couldn't add anymore worries to Sangwon's list, he was just a kid, really. "We all will."

Sangwon hummed as he nuzzled into his father's t-shirt. He wanted to believe that, he really did, but he wasn't so sure. Everything seemed so...broken. Beyond repair. 

"I wish I had another birthday cake."

Hojoon quirked an eyebrow. That came out of nowhere. 

"I think you've had enough sugar for one day, mister."

"No, not for that. I just wanna change my wish."

"Oh? To what?"

"Well, I can't tell you or it won't come true."

He wanted to wish for his family to be happy again. Really happy, like they used to be. He wanted to take back his dumb wish for a new phone and replace it with that. Because that was way more important. 

But it was too late, so he would have to try his hardest to make it happen himself. 

He was going to put aside his feelings towards his Appa if the two of them getting back together was what his Dad wanted. Because, at the end of the day, he was his Appa. The man that raised him. The man that loved him. And it was painfully obvious to him that Hojoon was still madly in love with Sangdo, and he missed seeing him smile. Like, really smile. The way only his ex-husband could make him smile. 

He was going to help his brothers too. He wasn't quite sure how, but he would. He was going to talk to Byungjoo and Taeyang more, to make sure they were feeling okay. He was going to talk to Sanggyun at school more, because, although the elder would never admit it, he knew he was struggling with fitting in at the minute. He was going to argue with Hyosang and Jiho less. He was going to - despite being the youngest - try his absolute hardest to help make this family happy again. Really happy. Like they used to be. 

Sangwon let his eyes flutter shut, his father's steady heartbeat lulling him to sleep. He felt a lot better than he had earlier, even this little pact he had made with himself seemed to lift his spirits. 

They were going to be okay. 

He was going to make sure of it. 

"I love you, Daddy." Sangwon whispered, fingers tightening in the soft material of the blondes oversized t-shirt. 

Nothing matter more to Hojoon than those three words. 

"I love you too, Sangwonnie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so!!! I hope you enjoyed this even tho there was LITERALLY no resolution lmaooo (i'm awful, I know)
> 
> so that leads onto: what do I do next?  
> I can't leave the teens like this, I cant leave sangjoon like this?? so where do I go next?
> 
> a) do I just carry on the fic? just keep going w the morning after and jiho opening up to his parents and maybe Dongsung and joo telling Hojoon about her gender dysphoria etc etc all the stuff that wasn't resolved in this fic? but like, I feel like it'll read weird, jumping from 9 chapters based around 1 day and then the time frame being way different on the rest? does that make sense?
> 
> b) do I write the rest of the fics about the kids as oneshots? like in undici? like one about each of them maybe? or like based on different themes? like coming out and jiho telling Hojoon about what happened to him or maybe a prom or MAYBE SOMEONE KNOCKS A GIRL UP WHO KNOWS??
> 
> okay and also
> 
> do I just add the oneshots onto the end of this work or do I make a whole new one? like,,,what would I call it? this entire thing is abt them as teen while theyre kids in the other one and omg literally my least favourite part of writing is choosing a title and I kinda like having everything in one place but will that read properly?? 
> 
> I DUNNO  
> so I would appreciate ur feedback guys an thank you so much for reading this and sticking with me through all of the pain thank you so so much ily all!!!

**Author's Note:**

> pls dont hurt me lol


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